It’s been two months since I saw your eyes.
It’s been two months since I heard your voice
It’s been two months since your last hug
It’s been two months since the last I love you
It’s been two months since I heard your laughter
It’s been two months since I saw your smile.
It’s been two months since you called me Jennie Raye
It’s been two months since I last heard you were proud of me
But worst of all in 3 days it will be two months since you left me.
It’s been two months and it is still hard
It’s been two months of signs that you are still with me
It’s been two months, but I have years to come without you
It’s been two months and I still struggle to believe you are gone
It’s been two months and I still say I love you everyday.
Love you Mom
I don’t know what or where I belong anymore. I am so lonely and have lost so much in the last few months. I have lost my mom and continue to struggle with who I am or what I do next. It was one lose but I keep losing more of the things that use mean something to me.
When I was taking care of my mom my life had purpose. Now that she is gone I sit in my house without any idea what comes next. I have an amazing husband, who works so hard to keep our heads above water. He loves me is always there for me. While I always want to be with my husband, I miss the people who I use to talk to and spend time together. People I use to count on and lean on are not longer available to me.
The one person outside of my husband who I use to be close to and talk to is no longer someone there for me. I sit in my house alone and have no one to talk to anymore. Everything changes so quickly. The last two months have sucked and there is no end in sight. I’m right back to being alone and I need to find away to go back to being okay to that.
Maybe I need to make a big change in my life. Maybe I need to make a drastic change that will throw my world out of balance again and that may be the one thing that makes my life okay again. First I need to figure out how to be okay just being my husband and I alone again. This way I never have to go through the disappointment again.
I find myself asking this question a lot in my life. It would be nice to have to think about what happens next. I do though and have to have a plan for anything that could come up. If I don’t plan I can prepare and if I can’t prepare my world will spin out of control. I should say out of my control. This is pretty fun to me when I writer this, because anytime I have had a plan for anything the world looks and my and laughs and it is time to just figure it out on the fly. Which of course I do every time. I am strong and stubborn to not make things work.
Let’s look at a few things that have been out of my control. I never thought I would lose my mom as quickly as I did. I had plans and I was determined that these plans would happen so I could make one more memory. This all changed on Good Friday which started with my mom waking screaming in pain. The cancer had ate at her femur and when she got up the bone could no longer support her and it snapped. This is the start of the end. She had surgery on her leg and did very well. I got to take her home the Wednesday after Good Friday. We had great day together on Thursday and she was doing great. An hour after I went to bed I was woke by her hitting my bedroom wall to wake me. In just a few hours my mom went from being able to talk and communicate to not being able to understand her. That Friday when she was home from the hospital because we knew the end was near, we got one last gift from mom. She reached out and hugged all the people she loved and wanted with her. This was the last time she had her eyes open.
Another look at how crazy I can get sometimes. I opened my own business last year with 2 partners. I have spent a lot of time worrying that I would not be good enough and I would be voted out of the business I worked so hard for. There has never been any indication that anyone has even thought about that, but since I am always waiting for the next issue I had become paranoid about this. Over the last few weeks I have been working on looking at what I have done in my life. I need to stop worrying about something that may never happened, but at the end of the day it would be okay because I did it once I can do it again. I would never stop living this dream. Just might look a little different.
So much has changed in the last 2 months and I am waiting for the next roller coster. I worry that this time it may be my marriage. My husband and I are struggling to connect again and figure out how to move forward in life right now. He works a lot, most of my time is spent at the business, and for the last year I have been a caregiver. I am not sure what is next or how to figure out how to hold on to the things and people I have in my life.
I continue to cut myself off from people. My people reach out to make plans and in the moment I agree to the plans, but when the day actually comes I can’t even make myself leave the house. I try not to confide in people because then I have to be vulnerable all over again. Some of these people seen me at my worst, and I know they did not judge but I let my guard down and that is the worst thing for me. I get up and leave my house and put the smile on my face and people think I am doing okay. By the end of the day when I get home I am so exhausted from pretending I sit on the couch and do nothing until I can go to bed. Do you ever wonder just how long you can continue to pretend before the weight of it just does you in. I am broken and I can’t figure out how to put me back together again. Maybe I am not suppose too. Maybe I did everything I was suppose to in this life and now it’s just about pretending and hanging on. I guess time will tell. For now I will keep asking myself the question, what happens next?
This has been a rough couple of months. I lost my mom April 12 and really was not prepared for it. While I knew it would be sometime in the near future due the cancer, I did not expect it to happen in a few short hours. At 11:30 Thursday I was. woke to my mom hitting the wall to get my attention. I got up and went to see if she was okay. She was struggling to breath and had already tried a breathing treatment. I made the call to hospice to have them come and see her. When the nurse arrived she asked mom if she wanted to go to the ER and see if they can manage the breathing. My mom decided to do that so an ambulance was called. We got to the ER and were there for about 5 hours. I watched my mom’s blood pressure fall every time they took her vitals. Her communication became harder and harder to understand. I finally pulled the doctor aside and asked him if this was it. He told me it was, and I told him he needs to explain that to her as she wants to die at home. He went in and talked to her and she decided to go home. They had an ambulance come and help me get her home. I called my brother and husband first to get them moving towards home. All of Friday my mom was not able to talk, but she would smile and giggle if anyone would say anything to her.
Later that night when it was just myself, my husband, my brother, and two friends she reached out for hugs from all of us and that was the last time she opened her eyes. My mom was always a strong amazing woman and she was letting us know she would be going out on her terms. On Saturday night her breathing declined to about 4 breaths a minute and we wrapped ourselves around her chair so she would not be alone. She decided that Saturday was not the day. Her breathing came back up, but she still was no longer responding to us. On Monday morning we all woke up and she appeared to be doing worse so we all gathered around her. AT 9 am my dog let out a huge cry and my mom took her last breath, again on her terms.
I did not handle her death very well. I ended up taking a pill for my anxiety and then started to drink. My drink of choice is always tequila. I am embarrassed to admit, that once they took my mom out of the house I got wasted and do not remember the rest of that day. I also was told my family was very worried about my state of mind due to comments I made.
I am so thankful for the last year I got with her and would not trade that for anything. I do still wish i could hear her voice one last time. I love you mom.
I’m trying to figure out how to move forward and live with the knowledge that nothing will be the same again. I’m not sure things can ever be the same again. How does one learn to trust again? It’s even harder due to my trauma to find a way to trust again.
Want to know the hardest thing? The hardest part is my trust isn’t just gone with the person that broke my trust, but now I don’t feel safe with anyone, I don’t trust anyone.
I keep trying to process everything and normally I can work through things with writing. I feel like my writing is only making the process worse. Not sure how that is even possible but here I am.
Maybe trust is just an illusion. we go through life looking for connections and love, but In just an instant it’s all gone. I think the worse part of this is someone who you told a lot to and processed with is no longer available to be that person anymore. Even though that person still wants to be, but sadly probably will likely never be again. Need to figure out how to let others in again. Sorry this post is just a rambling mess, but that’s my head right now a mess.
My life has been crazy for the last few weeks. This is how I normally process, but I have been avoiding and trying to push everything down again. My therapist told me to get back on here because it has helped so much in the past.
On April 12 I lost my amazing mom to pancreatic cancer. It happened suddenly the week before her femur snapped due to the cancer spreading. I brought her home on a Wednesday and had a great day with her on Thursday. I went to bed that night and happened to forget my phone because I had been keeping it close for her to get me in the middle of the night. Thursday night she ended up having to bang on the wall to get my attention. I came out to her and saw she was struggling to breathe so I helped her do a breathing treatment and called her hospice worker. When the worker got there it was decided we would take her to the ER to figure out what was going on. In a very short time I watch my mom struggle to be able to talk, stay awake, or move. As I sat there watching the monitor I watched her blood pressure slowly decreasing. I decided at that time to call my brother so he could get here in time. The ER wanted to admit her but mom repeatedly told me she wanted to be at home. She really was not able to make any decision anymore at that time. I told the doctor it was time for me to take her home. The paramedics where amazing and helped me to get my mom into the house and into her chair so she would be comfortable.
Many of her brothers and sisters came down to see her and say goodbye. I was happy when everyone left and it was just mom, me, my husband, and my brother with mom. She was always a tough chick and she was not going until unless it was on her terms. On Saturday night we are all with her and her breathing slowed down to 4 breaths a minute and we thought the time was there. We held her hand and played her favorite music. She decided Saturday was not the day and her breathing came back to her baseline. We continued to keep her medicated so she would not be in any pain. On Monday morning everything felt different. My dog who had been trying every minute to get in grandma’s lap, suddenly sat down in front the chair and gave out one little whine. My mom took her last breath in that moment. This was the worst moment of my life. I proceeded to get very drunk and blacking out and thankfully my amazing support people were there for me and helped myself and my family.
I really did not have time to process before I was again sent into an emotionally stressful hurtful day. April 29 was my mom’s birthday then not to much later was mothers day. You would think this would be enough for anyone to deal with. However, that is not how my life tends to go. I learned my husband had a relapse, a friend relapsed, my husband’s truck engine needs to be replaced. All of this has to be handled with the grief because I have a business and my business is to help people and provide them good quality therapy. I struggled to stay on top of everything. I am still struggling to stay on top of everything. My husband has started treatment for his relapse and I know that if he is doing that we will be okay.
Couple of weeks ago now, I woke to some disturbing and scary messages from a friend. I learned that this friend just up and left and no one knew where. I was able to reach out to my friend’s significant other and get into the house. That is when we all learned that this friend had been lying to us for a long time. We ended up calling the police as we were worried for my friend’s safety. The police were able to find my friend and deemed that this friend was safe. The next day, this friend decided to come home and get help. Went inpatient for a bit and came home Wednesday. I am very angry and hurt by this situation. I get it, this is a disease but that is not where the anger is coming from completely. I had wrote a letter and shared it when my friend was released. I feel that the friendship will never be the same again. I have also seen over the last couple of weeks that this friend and significant other do not agree with the persons friendship with me. I have decided to walk away and hope that my friend continues to get the help needed. I feel like I have lost another important person in my life again. I feel myself shutting off from everyone except my husband because one thing I have been able to count on for 23 years is that he will be there at the end of the night and I will be safe.
Having supports in your life is very important but I have also learned that I should not have any expectation of what this will look like. I don’t know that I can continue to have these people around me and look at all of them waiting to prove me right and let me down as everyone always has. I wish there was an answer. For now I plan to protect me.
This week has been very difficult. On Friday in woke to my mom screaming in pain. U bolted to her and she told me she hear a loud pop in her leg. I tried to move her and she just screamed. I had to call an ambulance and watch my mom in so much pain while they did everything they could to get her into the ambulance without making everything worse for her. We learned that the cancer has moved into her leg and weakened her bones causing the break. She went in for surgery on Saturday. It had been a long painful process for her but she is on the mend which is good. She finally came home yesterday day is getting stronger every day. Well as strong as she will get with cancer eating away at her body. I hate watching her go through all this.
Then on top of all this I have been feeling so inadequate in my marriage. I’m so exhausted and best down that when I get home I really just go through the motions. It’s not fair to my husband but I’m not sure how to make things better right now.
I have been struggling with work also. I am not sure why I am so fearful about work. I am so paranoid that I sit here all day wondering if today is the day I’m out. Logically I know that probably isn’t the case but you know sometimes logic goes right out the window. I feel so alone and struggle to trust anyone. I can’t even talk about it with anyone because then I am a horrible person. Sometimes I just need to talk but again jennie needs to be strong and not have any negative thoughts. So what do I do so I don’t make anyone bad or hurt or question me. Yes I know what to do. I always know what I need to do. Just tried of having to pretend but I will keep it to myself. I will go it alone. Do what I need to do and block out everything and everyone but those I am responsible for. I’m so tired of being lonely. Screw it!
PTSD can make you feel alone in a room full of people. PTSD makes you think that those around you are not to be trusted. PTSD makes you question everything and everyone, even those who you shouldn’t. PTSD can make a person paranoid over the smallest things. This is something I still struggle with and hate about myself.
Mix PTSD with insecurities and dreams can make things a nightmare. I keep having this dream over and over has been happening for about 2 weeks now. This dream plays out every night in the same way. First a little background, in August of last year I opened a private practice with 3 other partners. I left my good paying county job. In November things started to go down hill and fast. One of the partners ended up learning the practice. Now I am running the business with my other two partners. For the last year this business has been a labor of love. I have worked so hard to assure that we were opening our doors and doing everything right so as not to make any huge mistakes. Things are really starting to come together. We have clients coming in every week, we just got approved for our state licensing for substance treatment. Things are in the best play they can be considering we are only 7 months into the business. So now here comes the problem. With the other partner who left the business she was pushed out at the end of the day. We had to do this to assure that the business survived. It was not an easy thing for me as I was friends with her for many years and of course that has all ended.
So now back to the dream. I keep dreaming that once everything is working and running smoothly. This would be our certification, billing, and clients coming in regularly I will be pushed out of the business. Once I have put all of myself into this I have nothing left to show for it. This dream and my increased PTSD symptoms have made it very hard for me at work. I do not trust those around me. I listen for the whispering that I fear is happening. I worry about the conversations being had when I am not here to hear them. I find myself holding back a lot of parts of me and pretending all is well. I do not feel that all is well. I feel like time is ticking and just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Let me be clear about one thing. I am not crazy but I am very insecure and do not trust well. I like to tell others I trust them, because seriously that is what people always expect and want to hear. There are days when I am so exhausted or overwhelmed and things slip out to those around me. When this happens I belittle myself and hate that I let any vulnerability show. I try never to let on to others how bad things really are for me right now. I hurt every day watching my mom slowly slip away from the fucking cancer. I can’t control this and it kills me. Control is the only way I know how to survive. Yes it does get exhausting but this way I know I am safe and do not have to count on anyone. I find it so funny when I talk to my therapist and she reminds me that I need to slow down and take care of me. Yea okay! When is there time to do that, I am a wife, daughter, business owner, therapist, and caregiver. Oh ya and I am also in school to improve myself for my business. The only way I know I am living and surviving is by doing everything in my power to take care of everything around me. Once I loss that control my life will forever be changed and it will go spinning off the rails without me being able to bring it back to steady.
Everyday I think about the day to come and I wonder to myself how different the world would be if I just walked away and found a deserted beach somewhere. I know the world would continue on and probably not even realize that I am gone from the day to day. Maybe all the responsibility is just to much for me at this time. Maybe I am just to much for me at this time. I also know that tomorrow morning is a new day and I will wake up and continue being the person I need to be. At least here I can be real and know it does not matter at the end of the day.
Sometimes the universe just give you the big fuck you all at once. That is what it feels like right now. Its stupid where my head is going but I just can’t stop it. I wrote a blog last night about my abuser dying. My first reaction was I hope the asshole suffered. Then I felt guilty for saying and thinking that. Why should I feel guilty for hoping he suffered my life has never been the same and I have worked so hard to take back all the hurt and suffering I had to deal with because of him. Why can’t i hope for some suffering right now. This is not where it ended though and I decided to go look at his obituary, well that was the stupidest thing I did. I ready it and my brother was listed in the obituary. Yes I get he was his biological son, but that man had adopted me at the age of 5. My brother and I both were adopted by my mom’s 3rd husband. After everything I dealt with why was not I listed at a survive. These were my thoughts. Then I belittled myself because why would I want to be listed as his child. He was never a father to me. Shit I never had a real father in my life. I wouldn’t know a real father if he bit me in the ass. The man will rot in hell so why do I can, but do I need to be recognized? I am still so fucked up!
Then this morning a get a message from a friend who also has PCOS and she wants to have another baby and her husband does not. Talking to her brought all the feelings right back to me, and again I tell myself you did not deserve a baby thats why you did not get to have one. She told me it’s so hard seeing all my friends posting about being pregnant and then not being able to. She felt bad after saying this because she knows the struggles I have went thought. She actually said she was sorry, I told her never be sorry for being allowed to have that precious baby. It was just today on top of everything else it was just one more thing that twisted that knife. I just want to find a hole and burry myself in it for a little while until this all goes away. But will it ever really go away? Sorry for rant.
Today I had a great day. It was busy at work and things continue to improve in that area. My mom continues to come to the office and do her best to help out myself and the business. Then it’s time to go home and things changed quickly.
My mom got a call from my brother. His biological father died over the weekend. At first all I could think was good I hope he suffered. This man made my life hell. This was my first abuser. He is where my life went off the rails for so long. So why did I feel the need to google and find his obituary. What did I think would come out of that. First thing I saw was his picture, and it sends me to a dark place. Then I continue to read farther big mistake!
You see when I was a child this man adopted me and while I am glad I no longer carry his name; it was hard to see that my brother was listed but I was not. My mom’s third husband adopted my brother and I both and never had any contact with him again on my part. I know my brother did, but I don’t know why I give a fuck that I was not listed. How does this asshole still have any power of me? I feel so weak and ridiculous to even care. When will that end. I fear going to sleep tonight because I know I have been triggered and will have a nightmare. Sometimes it works be easier to just give up!
I continue to struggle with the little things lately. I struggle to smile and pretend. Lately I wake up and I hate everyone and everything. I find I have to isolate because really the only thing I want to do is punch someone. Does not even matter who the person is. I’m not sure how much longer I can continue like this.
I am not enjoying anything and the little things I need to do feel like the hardest things in the world. I was hoping the change in weather would help today but no not even a little. I need to get out of this space but do not know where to start. Tomorrow I will wake and do my best to pretend I’m ready to face the day.
I feel like my life is crushing me. I do not know where to turn anymore. I feel like I am one person and have to try and be 20 other people all at once. Every day I get it up and its a struggle. I do not know what the day will bring or what fresh hell I will encounter! I have no one to turn to and no safe place to fall right now. Don’t get me wrong my husband is amazing but he is working so hard and we do not see each other much between his work schedule and my business.
I have always done well in those crazy moments. I have always been able to keep my head above water and get done what needed to be done. I have always done this on my own. Why, why am I drowning now. Why can’t I get my self together and do what I have always done. When did I become this shell who can no longer do the things that need to be done.
I have an amazing support system, something I never had in the past. However; I feel that now that I have this support system I have become soft, and lazy. I need to find myself again, I fear if I do not I will drown. I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew if it was better to walk away from the support system and go back to how I always did things before, maybe I would not be so weak now. Maybe I could handle all the things in my life like I use to. I just need to know what the answer is I am lost and can’t find it myself.
How many of you reading this blog try to live your life with no regrets. I mean bad things happen, do I wish they did not happen of course; but if those things did not happen in life who would I be today. For so many years I just wished away my life. Nothing good would ever come of my life anyways. Until that day I started my therapy, and realized I could be a better version of myself. It has taken many years for me to realize that I am okay. I will be okay and I will be the best version of myself because of these things.
Every day I wake up and I have been dreading the days. I either don’t sleep or I sleep and have the nightmares come back full force. I do get up though and try and put a smile on my face and pretend all is good. Why do I do this? I do this because there is no one to trust with how I am really feeling. There is no one who will not compare what I am dealing with to their own life. So pretending save me from all of this. I really want to say, I DO NOT CARE!
No matter the struggle I am expected to wake up and do good things. I put myself through hell to prove to the world that anything is possible as long as you pretend your way through it. I come up with these big ideas and get so tangled up in them that at the end of the day they are all I have. Why do I feel the need to do this? Isn’t working full-time, taking care of my marriage, being a daughter, and a caregiver enough. Of course it is not because I have to be super human. I have to make sure I do not let myself down because the world will kick your ass every time and remind you that you are alone in the world. You Are Alone!! Maybe that is the point I am missing. Maybe I am only suppose to work, take care of my marriage, be a daughter, and a caregiver. Everything and everyone else is just distracting me from these pieces of myself.
So usually I live with no regrets but right now I am feeling a lot of regret. Right now I am feeling defeated. Right now I am wondering why. Maybe it’s time to go back to who I was, who I use to be. I need to be the only one who expects anything from me. One day I hope everything I need finds me because I am tired of searching for them. Tomorrow morning I will get up and continue to do what I always do, that is not going to change, but I can promise that my mind set is changing and I will figure out what my purpose is again.
Tonight when I close my eyes I just want one thing to sleep and rest without the nightmares or fears.
Have you ever lived with your head in the sand and suddenly realize that maybe things are not as you would like to think they are. Have you ever given so much of yourself to a person and then suddenly realize that it is all bullshit. It takes one moment to open your eyes and realize that it’s not okay.
Do you have that one person in your life that has to think their life is worse then your own? Do you feel like you have to defend yourself all the time. It’s exhausting! I need to keep reminding myself that I need to continue to revolve and change my life. Part of that is reminding myself the only person who truly gives a shit about my life is me.
I think I need to make a few person goals around changing my idea of the person I want to be. First goal needs to be giving less of myself to people outside of my intimate world. Goal 2 needs to be looking at myself and figuring out why I feel the need to give more of myself to those around me instead of myself. Last goal is learning to care a lot less about what people think and feel about me.
I want to find out a way to be happy with myself. I want to love myself more then other people. I also need to find away to read those around me to see just how important I am in their lives. I need to stop being so naive about the world.
I had put in to much work on myself and over the last few months I have stopped. Why do we do these things to ourselves. Why are we never enough for ourselves? Maybe this is the question that leads to being finding out what happiness is really is
It’s amazing to me how much I continue to learn about myself and those around me, even at my age. I want to continue and grow and more importantly I want to continue to be a stronger me. I am learning to be my own biggest support. I am learning that I have made a lot of mistakes thinking about those people around me and just how much a try and fix and take care of those around me.
Thinking about this lately has made me examine my reasons behind this. Why do I feel the need to take care of people around me. Why do I feel the need to push myself into someone’s life to try and help when it really isn’t wanted or needed.
Of course I know the answer to these questions I still keep doing this to myself. Even though time and again it is clear it’s not appreciated. It usually isn’t reciprocated either but I allow myself to push that aside.
So I said this year is about more growth and I need to be clear with myself. I do these things for everyone else to avoid. If I am helping others and loving others I don’t have to do the same for myself. So now how do I fix this and make the growth I want to make.
First thing I need to do is get my ass back into therapy I have been avoiding that for months. I think I need to work on finding away to not take on everyone else’s hurt and therapy is my first place to work on that. Second I think I need to go back to thinking about myself first and hopefully feel less of a need to “save” everyone else. I need to be my own best friend and remember that as humans we are selfish creatures and it’s okay.
Then I need to focus on the important things in my life, such as my husband, my mom, my family, and my business. I am the only one who can be the change I want to see.