Sometimes the universe just give you the big fuck you all at once. That is what it feels like right now. Its stupid where my head is going but I just can’t stop it. I wrote a blog last night about my abuser dying. My first reaction was I hope the asshole suffered. Then I felt guilty for saying and thinking that. Why should I feel guilty for hoping he suffered my life has never been the same and I have worked so hard to take back all the hurt and suffering I had to deal with because of him. Why can’t i hope for some suffering right now. This is not where it ended though and I decided to go look at his obituary, well that was the stupidest thing I did. I ready it and my brother was listed in the obituary. Yes I get he was his biological son, but that man had adopted me at the age of 5. My brother and I both were adopted by my mom’s 3rd husband. After everything I dealt with why was not I listed at a survive. These were my thoughts. Then I belittled myself because why would I want to be listed as his child. He was never a father to me. Shit I never had a real father in my life. I wouldn’t know a real father if he bit me in the ass. The man will rot in hell so why do I can, but do I need to be recognized? I am still so fucked up!
Then this morning a get a message from a friend who also has PCOS and she wants to have another baby and her husband does not. Talking to her brought all the feelings right back to me, and again I tell myself you did not deserve a baby thats why you did not get to have one. She told me it’s so hard seeing all my friends posting about being pregnant and then not being able to. She felt bad after saying this because she knows the struggles I have went thought. She actually said she was sorry, I told her never be sorry for being allowed to have that precious baby. It was just today on top of everything else it was just one more thing that twisted that knife. I just want to find a hole and burry myself in it for a little while until this all goes away. But will it ever really go away? Sorry for rant.
Today I had a great day. It was busy at work and things continue to improve in that area. My mom continues to come to the office and do her best to help out myself and the business. Then it’s time to go home and things changed quickly.
My mom got a call from my brother. His biological father died over the weekend. At first all I could think was good I hope he suffered. This man made my life hell. This was my first abuser. He is where my life went off the rails for so long. So why did I feel the need to google and find his obituary. What did I think would come out of that. First thing I saw was his picture, and it sends me to a dark place. Then I continue to read farther big mistake!
You see when I was a child this man adopted me and while I am glad I no longer carry his name; it was hard to see that my brother was listed but I was not. My mom’s third husband adopted my brother and I both and never had any contact with him again on my part. I know my brother did, but I don’t know why I give a fuck that I was not listed. How does this asshole still have any power of me? I feel so weak and ridiculous to even care. When will that end. I fear going to sleep tonight because I know I have been triggered and will have a nightmare. Sometimes it works be easier to just give up!
I continue to struggle with the little things lately. I struggle to smile and pretend. Lately I wake up and I hate everyone and everything. I find I have to isolate because really the only thing I want to do is punch someone. Does not even matter who the person is. I’m not sure how much longer I can continue like this.
I am not enjoying anything and the little things I need to do feel like the hardest things in the world. I was hoping the change in weather would help today but no not even a little. I need to get out of this space but do not know where to start. Tomorrow I will wake and do my best to pretend I’m ready to face the day.
I feel like my life is crushing me. I do not know where to turn anymore. I feel like I am one person and have to try and be 20 other people all at once. Every day I get it up and its a struggle. I do not know what the day will bring or what fresh hell I will encounter! I have no one to turn to and no safe place to fall right now. Don’t get me wrong my husband is amazing but he is working so hard and we do not see each other much between his work schedule and my business.
I have always done well in those crazy moments. I have always been able to keep my head above water and get done what needed to be done. I have always done this on my own. Why, why am I drowning now. Why can’t I get my self together and do what I have always done. When did I become this shell who can no longer do the things that need to be done.
I have an amazing support system, something I never had in the past. However; I feel that now that I have this support system I have become soft, and lazy. I need to find myself again, I fear if I do not I will drown. I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew if it was better to walk away from the support system and go back to how I always did things before, maybe I would not be so weak now. Maybe I could handle all the things in my life like I use to. I just need to know what the answer is I am lost and can’t find it myself.
How many of you reading this blog try to live your life with no regrets. I mean bad things happen, do I wish they did not happen of course; but if those things did not happen in life who would I be today. For so many years I just wished away my life. Nothing good would ever come of my life anyways. Until that day I started my therapy, and realized I could be a better version of myself. It has taken many years for me to realize that I am okay. I will be okay and I will be the best version of myself because of these things.
Every day I wake up and I have been dreading the days. I either don’t sleep or I sleep and have the nightmares come back full force. I do get up though and try and put a smile on my face and pretend all is good. Why do I do this? I do this because there is no one to trust with how I am really feeling. There is no one who will not compare what I am dealing with to their own life. So pretending save me from all of this. I really want to say, I DO NOT CARE!
No matter the struggle I am expected to wake up and do good things. I put myself through hell to prove to the world that anything is possible as long as you pretend your way through it. I come up with these big ideas and get so tangled up in them that at the end of the day they are all I have. Why do I feel the need to do this? Isn’t working full-time, taking care of my marriage, being a daughter, and a caregiver enough. Of course it is not because I have to be super human. I have to make sure I do not let myself down because the world will kick your ass every time and remind you that you are alone in the world. You Are Alone!! Maybe that is the point I am missing. Maybe I am only suppose to work, take care of my marriage, be a daughter, and a caregiver. Everything and everyone else is just distracting me from these pieces of myself.
So usually I live with no regrets but right now I am feeling a lot of regret. Right now I am feeling defeated. Right now I am wondering why. Maybe it’s time to go back to who I was, who I use to be. I need to be the only one who expects anything from me. One day I hope everything I need finds me because I am tired of searching for them. Tomorrow morning I will get up and continue to do what I always do, that is not going to change, but I can promise that my mind set is changing and I will figure out what my purpose is again.
Tonight when I close my eyes I just want one thing to sleep and rest without the nightmares or fears.
Have you ever lived with your head in the sand and suddenly realize that maybe things are not as you would like to think they are. Have you ever given so much of yourself to a person and then suddenly realize that it is all bullshit. It takes one moment to open your eyes and realize that it’s not okay.
Do you have that one person in your life that has to think their life is worse then your own? Do you feel like you have to defend yourself all the time. It’s exhausting! I need to keep reminding myself that I need to continue to revolve and change my life. Part of that is reminding myself the only person who truly gives a shit about my life is me.
I think I need to make a few person goals around changing my idea of the person I want to be. First goal needs to be giving less of myself to people outside of my intimate world. Goal 2 needs to be looking at myself and figuring out why I feel the need to give more of myself to those around me instead of myself. Last goal is learning to care a lot less about what people think and feel about me.
I want to find out a way to be happy with myself. I want to love myself more then other people. I also need to find away to read those around me to see just how important I am in their lives. I need to stop being so naive about the world.
I had put in to much work on myself and over the last few months I have stopped. Why do we do these things to ourselves. Why are we never enough for ourselves? Maybe this is the question that leads to being finding out what happiness is really is
It’s amazing to me how much I continue to learn about myself and those around me, even at my age. I want to continue and grow and more importantly I want to continue to be a stronger me. I am learning to be my own biggest support. I am learning that I have made a lot of mistakes thinking about those people around me and just how much a try and fix and take care of those around me.
Thinking about this lately has made me examine my reasons behind this. Why do I feel the need to take care of people around me. Why do I feel the need to push myself into someone’s life to try and help when it really isn’t wanted or needed.
Of course I know the answer to these questions I still keep doing this to myself. Even though time and again it is clear it’s not appreciated. It usually isn’t reciprocated either but I allow myself to push that aside.
So I said this year is about more growth and I need to be clear with myself. I do these things for everyone else to avoid. If I am helping others and loving others I don’t have to do the same for myself. So now how do I fix this and make the growth I want to make.
First thing I need to do is get my ass back into therapy I have been avoiding that for months. I think I need to work on finding away to not take on everyone else’s hurt and therapy is my first place to work on that. Second I think I need to go back to thinking about myself first and hopefully feel less of a need to “save” everyone else. I need to be my own best friend and remember that as humans we are selfish creatures and it’s okay.
Then I need to focus on the important things in my life, such as my husband, my mom, my family, and my business. I am the only one who can be the change I want to see.
Last night was not a good mental health night. Today I am going okay but I realize something needs to change. I need to change and grow. I cannot change most of the situations going on in my life but there are some I can control. First thing I need to do is start taking better care of my physical health. My physical health alters my mental health and I know this and really have not cared. My plan is to get back to taking my meds regularly and watching what I eat. My diabetes needs to be better managed and only I can do that, this will help manage my moods so much better.
I need to next take restock of those in my life. I give way to much to people and most of the time I don’t feel like I get the support back when I need it. I want to make my circle smaller and have those people that I can count on, not the people who say I can count on them or the people I have been stupid enough to think I can count on.
I need to work on getting my needs met instead of making sure everyone else is happy. I need to be the most important person to myself. I need to learn that I don’t have to give and bend for others in my life if they want to be there they will accept it and love me anyways. If anyone can’t I need to move on and keep them at a distance. I need to be my own BFF because no one else can or will be what I need.
Every day and every year my marriage is so important for my sanity and my happiness. My husband is my safe place to fall and snuggle into when I feel scared or in a bad place. I also realize my marriage needs work always. I need to be strong enough to ask for what I need, give of myself what is needed, and believe that we can do anything together. I also know I need to be strong enough to ask for what I need to keep my marriage strong.
The last thing I plan to focus on is my business. My business gives me so much sense of purpose. It’s hard right now but every day I know that the business will get better and will be amazing. It’s part of who I am and the passion I have for my future!
This is what I wrote today on Facebook.
I know many people are reflecting on 2020 and can’t wait to see it go. While it has not been the easiest year I can’t say it was a awful year. In February we learned my mom has stage 4 cancer. This sucks completely but I look at this and I am thankful she was able to move back to Wisconsin and move in with me. I have gotten to spend the last 10 months making amazing memories. Then there has been COVID. The world went into lock down. When this happened I was forced to reflect on my life and decide if I was happy or needed to make changes. Starting with my professional life being in an office while everyone worked from home was eye opening! I came to realize I worked at a job that did not give me any sense of purpose or fulfillment, I came to realize that I worked with people who did not share the same passion as I did, my eyes were open to see who had the passion I did. This helped me plan my next adventure. I decided to take my passion from the dead end job to open my own practice with two people who have the same passion for the work we do. It was a lot of hard work but we are open and every week we are growing. I put in long hours but it’s because I love my work not because I have to play catch up all the time. My business has helped me find my purposes. This year I also made the decision to reevaluate the choices I have made in my life and reach out to fix the mistake I made. I have reconnected with someone in my life that I allowed others to cloud my own judgement. This reconnection has been amazing and I have been so luck this person answered when I reached out. Then I have to reflect on the family that I have reconnected with. I have isolated myself from most of my family to protect myself well I have opened my circle and let some back in and I am glad I have!This year has not been easy but it isn’t suppose to be and I have grown so much because if it. I will celebrate the end of the 2020 year but not because it was awful but because of the person I am because of it. The last thing that 2020 has given me is a stronger marriage and so much love for my husband. With Jamie Bowyer by my side I can do anything!! Here is to the end of 2020 and the start of another adventure in 2021. Be safe and much love!
I’m sitting here tonight emotional and depressed. I’m sitting here and wondering why I have to be so strong. I’m sitting here wanting to cry but I won’t because my mom is right here with me and I have to be strong. I’m sitting beee thinking about letting my husband down and myself down because I didn’t plan my life better. I wrote that Facebook post and I look at it now and it’s a lot of bullshit. I am a fake and a fraud.
What I really want to say is I’m tired of being strong, tired of letting everyone around me down. I’m tired of the nightmares that will not leave me alone, I’m tired of pretending I’m okay. I am not okay, I am not strong!
I keep everything to myself I don’t ask for help because I don’t want to be weak also. I don’t tell the people around me that I’m just done and tried and don’t care. I don’t tell them how my heart is broken and tried. I keep the smile on my face because that’s what I am supposed to do. I feel so alone even in a room full of people. Sitting here and writing them I feel pathetic and stupid, because at the end of the day is my life that bad. I sit here thinking about all the people around me who say God is with you. Where is he, where has he been. I hate when people say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. How much more can I take. Am I stronger for being raped at starting at the age of 6 until I was 13. Am I stronger from being groom from 13 to the age of 19. Am I stronger because I still have nightmares and still blame myself. Watching my mom fucking die how is that going to make me stronger. Oh yea I know because tomorrow I will get up put the smile on my face, do what needs to be done, and fall into bed at the end of the day more exhausted because being strong is exhausting. Here is to another day oh yea and another year wish I could say only goes up from here but that is a load of shit!
How much can one person handle before she breaks. How much can see take and still hold her head up high. At what point will she break.
No matter how strong I am, I have a breaking point. I’m ready to cut everything out of my life and focus on my marriage, my mom, and being successful. All the outside chaos is becoming to much. Defending myself in everything is taking its toll. I need to go back to basics. Make my circle smaller and keep myself safe.
Fixing the issues I have and finding away to heal da to be my priority. For once in my life I need to remember I am important. I need to make my goals the first step. I need to speak up and stop being afraid to speak up and have my needs met. I do this in all areas of my life. Stop to say fuck it and make myself happy. The rest will fall into place or fall away neither way it’s okay to put me first. It’s okay to find my happy. It’s okay to take back my power. Starting today and moving forward I will do me and screw the rest. I can be happy and first is to put myself first. Back to basics here we go!
Last night was rough. I did my best to pick a fight with a friend. Not because I wanted to actually fight but because if I am angry then I can normally ignore my other feelings. Well that didn’t work so well for me yesterday. I wanted someone to hurt as bad as I was hurting, but at the end of the day I felt guilty and crappy. I started talking to this friend and I found I couldn’t hold my emotions back anymore. I talked to my friend for a while and then wrote my post last night. I crawled into bed with my husband and ended up breaking down all over again. I don’t think he knew what to do with me at that time. He does not realize he was exactly what I needed. He held me while I cried and just let me be with my feelings.
Then today I went with some other amazing friends and we went and spent the evening seeing Christmas lights and then having dinner. I needed their laughs and love to help me gain my strength again. It amazing to me how lucky I am to have an amazing support system. I am not alone and when I can’t pick myself up I know my support will hold me up until I am strong enough to do it myself. When things are hard I need to remember I’m never alone. Tonight I go to bed with my heart full and ready to face tomorrow!
This week has been a struggle. With everything going on with my mom, I have not been able to just keep pushing things down. Sitting in the office with my partners I had to walk away because I broke down. I do not have time to break down and cry and feel weak. That will not help my mom and the situation. She is dying and I just keep over doing everything so I can avoid thinking about it. When I do this the mean in me comes out. I was mean to someone important to me most of the week. I know I was mean and all I wanted was someone else to hurt as much as I am right now. It is so easy to just let the mean out instead of just admitting I am not doing okay. I want to find a deep hole and lay into and pretend that nothing in life exists anymore.
The worse part is I want to make someone else hurt the way I am hurting. What kind of a person thinks like that. I am a therapist and I am thinking this way. Then I have these amazing people in my life who are there to support me, love me, and try and pick me up and what do I do just pretend I am okay until I am not. I hate that these people in my life have this false sense idea that I am strong, and driven, and amazing when it is all an act. I live by the moto fake it until you make it. Apparently I am good at faking it because no one sees the real me. The hateful, angry, ugly person who is living inside this false sense of reality. Most of the time people figure me out but I have still managed to keep these few people on the hook thinking I have my shit together. One day they will figure out who I really am and they will be free. It always comes out at the end. For some reason it is just taking longer with these amazing people. I will fuck it up sooner or later. I always do!! Time to stop whining and go to bed have to get up and be amazing again in the morning! By the way Pancreatic Cancer SUCKS and sucks the soul out of the patient and the family who is there to watch is take over.
Lately things have been going pretty well. Of course nothing is perfect, but at least lately I have felt pretty balanced. One thing that helps is I love my work. I love owning my own business and getting to work with people I want to work with and help them be successful in their lives. Every day I come to work knowing I am not making any money yet but that I can make a difference for people in my way and that feels amazing.
Every day I do worry about my mom. In case I have not mentioned it she has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She stopped chemo back in August. She was not enjoying life at all and it just was not worth it for her. For the first couple of months after she stopped chemo she was getting her energy back and eating like crazy. Over the last few weeks I have slowly seen her have less energy. She has lost her spunk. This last week she had to start using a cane and she is no longer able to get in and out of her pickup. We have made adjustments in life. She now drives my Buick because it is easier for her to get and out of. I feel one of the most important things is that she keeps her independence as long as possible. At this time it is just one moment at a time and we keep making those memories.
For the first time in a lot of years we are celebrating Christmas in my house because I want to make sure that she has the best holiday and we can make great memories that I can hold on to when she is gone. Considering all of this I can still look for the positives and take every moment that I can get
I think I use to like it better when I locked myself away in my house and did not leave it. I did not have to see anyone, make nice, or take the chance of being left feeling unsafe. Lately I feel like I am all of the above and it is hell. There is always something or someone who is going to let you down or try and drag you down. I always hope that I am in a place that this does not happen, but lets be real I am still in that place all the time. It is worse with the nightmares, because leaves me feeling emotional and vulnerable and these feels seem to follow me the rest of the day. I don’t get a break and I do not get to just have peace in those days.
It is hard to spend every day looking over your shoulder and trying to avoid anything that could through me into a bigger tailspin. I am fearful and numb most of the days and it is hard work to try and pretend that everything is okay. I say I am fine, but really I am screaming in my head I am not fine. I am in Hell right now. I am lucky in many ways I have a great support system, but really they can only do so much when I am feeling this way. I even find I pretend with them so no one knows what is actually going on with me.
The stupid thing is that I know that when I shut people out I am letting the evil back into my head. I am reminded again and again, that I am no good, not lovable, and will never truly be wanted by anyone. I live in the belief that no one would want me expect to get their own needs met. Logically I know this is not completely true, but that does not stop the insecure or illogical part of me believing this. I hear his voice saying these things to me over and over through my day. It is hard to not believe it when there are people in your world that show you that it is true.
I would love to have a day where my confidence is real, that I truly feel loved, where I know I am needed just because of who I am. Will this be how it is for the rest of my life? When will I have the chance to stop pretending I am happy and actually be happy. Don’t get me wrong there is happiness in my life, but there are a lot of days I have to pull myself out of the place I have been thrusted into to feel it.