Time to go backwards

I decided when I started this blog I was going to be completely open with myself and my story.  I need a reminder that I am who I am because of the things I had to endure in my life.  That being said as you follow my story it may take time before you understand why I started this blog in the present and some content might be hard for people to read.

Has there been a time in your life where you do not have a lot of memories, such as in your childhood.  This is something I struggle with I do not remember much of my childhood, don’t get me wrong its not that I have no memory of it but I have a hard time with any recall.  Since starting therapy I realize this is how I have been able to deal with my trauma. I am just going to jump right in or I might now be able to put this into words.  Starting at the age of 7 years old my mom’s second husband molested me.  It is around this time that my childhood memories become few and far between.  Our mind is amazing in its capacity to protect our self, but unfortunately it does not just suppress the bad memories.  The hardest part of not remembering much is it feels to me that there was never any happy moments but I know that cannot be true. 

There was years of abuse during this time and like most victims of molestation I dealt with it on my own.  I have had questions asked by people, such as why did you not just tell you mom or someone at school.  God if only it was that easy.  My abuser, same as anyone’s abuser knew how to keep me quiet.  I have a little brother and a mom that I loved and I did not want them to get hurt.  I was just a child but to me it was my job and my fault so I need to protect them.  The abuse continued until I was 12 years old.  When I was 12 years old my mom divorced my abuser and since I was not his biological child he did not make much effort to have visitation with me.  Thank God!!  Since that day my mom took us out of that house I was able to put my abuse deep down and make it a memory so buried that there was days I could convivence myself it was all in my imagination.   Sorry that is it for tonight.

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