Need to pull myself up!

The last few weeks have been hard for me, which has been apparent in my posts. I am stronger then the person I have been lately. I need to find away to remember that strength and live my life again. I think I have been feeling sorry for myself and being a victim. I never want to be a victim. I hate that word because it has been a label pinned on me by others. I am not a victim but a survivor who needs to remember she survived! I have been having more nightmares and flashbacks lately. Sometimes it is hard to decide which abusive person was worse. Most of the nightmares have been about the abuse I dealt with in my teen years. Until the last few months I never connected grooming to my situation. For many years I was groomed by my abuser to be made to believe that what was happening was a relationship and that is was ok. This person was charming and everyone loved this person, so I was able to be manipulated into believing I was in a relationship that was good. I was a teenager who is easy to manicure and control. There were many many times where I tried to get out of the situation, but I was a kid and being ignore and not being talked to was worse. I am able to write about this today only because of the work I have been doing in my therapy. Until this year I had told NO one about this situation because I feared people would blame me and ask what I did to encourage the abuse. After being married for 20 years I found the courage to tell my husband. I was so afraid to tell him because I didn’t want to see the love in his eyes change to horror. I didn’t want him to see me differently and feared he would no longer be interested or attracted to me. Of course this didn’t happen he was amazing and special and did everything right. I know this post went way off course but for me it didn’t. It’s a reminder that I did SURVIVE and will continue to survive. I own my happiness, my abusers don’t get to keep their power. I know I have to be patient with myself and the struggles today will be a memory in the near future.

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