Nothing left to give!

Today I had therapy which always does me a lot of good. Today’s session was intense. By the end I was mentally exhausted and did not have anything to give anyone. I kept to myself at work and did my best to get through the day without offending anyone. It is hard to make it through the day trying to keep it all together and now that I am home I no longer have to pretend I can just be. At least my husband is home and he always calms me and allows me to just recharge. I do hope that I will soon figure out what is causing this feeling of dread and not belonging. I want to enjoy life and my friends again. At this point I don’t know that I will have friends left but I can’t worry about that.

After my therapy I do realize that part of the problem is I am feeling vulnerable and loss of control which is probably causing me to push everyone away before they chose to leave. Because of my trauma I still struggle to keep people close without pushing them away because I know it is a matter of time before someone realizes that I am a broken person who can never be available 100%. It is also a matter of time before the next person takes advantage. Sometimes it is just easier to be alone and go to work help those who need help and then go home. I am working hard to move past this feeling but I know I have to be patient with myself. I will continue to pretend until I don’t have to anymore…

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