If you have ever faced a trauma that has stopped you in your tracks then you will probably understand me and my feelings to some point as everyone faces life different. More and more I am learning how my trauma has shaped my life and in most ways I am happy with the person I am today, but I am also seeing a lot of pieces of myself I am not happy with. Life most people I want to be that good well rounded person but I am falling short. When I say I am falling short these are my words no alone else. The person I would like to be is the person I pretend to be and hide from the world. I can’t allow anyone to sees what is under my pretend outside projections. I want to be the person who has it all together, but if I am being truthful I am the person who second guesses herself at every turn. I look at people in my life and think these people are only there because I pretend to be nice and helpful and strong. However the truth is I am lonely, self-conscious, envious, person who does not know how much longer she can continue to not feel like enough. My time in therapy has been the saving grace in my life because I am not sure where I would be today without the work I have already put in. Every time I go I see more truth in my thoughts and realize I am not a person anyone should want to put themself into my life. I always remind myself that is why I am working so hard on my trauma so when I get to the other side I can try and be the person I truly want to be. Lately I have been having more flashbacks and dreams. The other night my husband and I went to bed together and in the middle of the night I find myself standing in my dinning room calling for my husband because I thought he was gone. The truth is he was in bed where I just was but my nightmare made me feel like he was gone and finally done dealing with all of my issues. I long to feel less alone in my world and long for my trauma to stop defining my life. Thank you for reading my blog I have been finding this process very freeing for me. I am no longer allowing myself to keep everything in. This blog is important to my recovery from a life of trauma.