If you know anything about trauma you know that the hardest thing to deal with is the triggers! I go a long time doing well and then one of those triggers will come up and hit me square in the face. It still catches me off guard the triggers that will set me off. When I think about how far I have come and the small things that can set me off I get so angry with myself. I cannot keep letting the men, if that is what they should be called, continue to have this much power over me. I think my biggest confusion is why do I continue to punish the 7 year old me. Why does she continue to be the one I blame? She is my shadow who is always with me and when I see her all I can see is a penis in her mouth. Logically I know that she should not be to blame but the irrational side of me continues to blame. I have realized over time that part of my issue with the 7 year old is she is the one that made me vulnerable to the continued abused that I face with the second abuser. This abuse left me an easy target to be groomed and made to feel that I was in a relationship but no really this person just knew I was an easy target. The hardest part of all of this for me is that I am left feeling shame and that some how I either asked for it or wanted it. I can hear my therapist in my head right now and I know what she would say but the feels are still there. When will I be able to let the 7 year old go and stop blaming myself for the horrible abuse I had to endure by two men who were selfish and played off my vulnerability.