The simplest things in life can tigger you right back to your pass. Always heard that when a person deals with trauma in childhood that person can stop changing moving forward. Sometimes our stages of growth stop where in whatever stage we were in when the abuse started. I have really come to see that this is true. I am a social worker who works with mental health consumers and I have told them this all though my career, I never really understood it though until I started my own journey. Lately I have found myself stepping into my adolescent stage. I have come to realize that because of my abuse I did not successfully gone though all the stages of development in a healthy way. It has been more apparent as of late. I find myself letting the words of my abuser start to make me doubt myself and those around me. I find that the more I start to doubt the louder the words become. The louder my abuser becomes and I allow that person to continue to steal my power and my ability to know that I am good enough. I hate letting someone who is dead to continue to have this much power. I am not sure how to stop the voice in my head that continues to tell me I cannot survive without him to take care of me. I hate myself at times for allowing him to get so far into my head that I can’t get him out of it. When will I find that I am good enough and that the people around me see that I am good enough. I keep pushing people away lately to protect myself because I truly do not want to be hurt over and over so if I push and they leave then guess what my abuser is right. As a social worker I know that logically my thoughts are bullshit but it is not always was to be logical but it is very easy to be irrational and judge yourself. The part I struggle with is no matter how many times people try and reassure me it does not help. Hearing my friends tell me I am enough just continues to push me away because that voice in my head (I am not crazy this is the words my abuser would tell me) never allows me to forget that I am not good enough and that I cannot survive without him. I will keep pushing myself forward and continue my therapy and take things as they come. One day my life will be mine again!