Me!

I am sitting in the parking lot of my therapist office. Once again I got my time confused so I have an hour to myself and I plan to use it to talk to myself and anyone who needs to know they are not alone.

Question have you ever found yourself just surprised at what you are capable of? Well I feel like a child waking up from a 42 year nap. Due to my abuse there are certain thinks I have never experience because of being afraid of anyone and everyone around me. One of the big struggles I have had for years is fearing men. This fear has kept me from not engaging with friends if there husband or boyfriend will be there. I have never had any male friends that I would consider being open with or trusting. Imagine being 42 and never knowing how it feels to have a friend of the opposite sex. I would always avoid any situation that could leave me in danger if a man was around. Rationally I know this is stupid that not all men are awful, but the fear does not allow me to think rationally!

Now imagine being 42 and having a friend enter your life who is male and not knowing how to feel about the relationship. I have only connected on this level with my husband he makes me feel safe and not alone. Well over the last month my life has started to change. It’s scary as hell! There is a guy who I have been able to open up to who does not judge me or make me feel uncomfortable. I have struggled with this thinking does this mean that I have more then friendship feeling so this guy. Do I not still love my husband? I feel like a child who is just learning what a friendship is. Thankfully I have people in my life who listen to my concerns and remind me that it is ok to have friendships that include those of the opposite sex. My problem is I get so frustrated with myself because I shouldn’t have to struggle with this. I should have learned as a kid that friendship can be just that and nothing more. I know my marriage is secure and I love my husband more then ever. In fact he has been so supportive of my new experiences and he knows that I am not doing anything wrong. Now I just need to keep remembering that!

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