Trauma and the lasting effects

Let’s go back a little ways to when I was a child. Imagine being 7 years old the first time a person who is suppose to take care of you violates not just your body but your mind and soul. How does a child of 7 deal with that? How is adult who was that child suppose to deal with that? Well if you have not dealt with this type of trauma let me tell you how we deal with that! First we avoid anyone as a child and as a adult who could cause the same shame and degrading feelings that stay with you. For me, I just isolated myself. If I never left the house no one could get to me, no one could be allowed to hurt me. Well this worked amazingly well for many years. Then one day at 32 you have no option but to stop the isolation and get out into the scary fucked up world. Now what am I suppose to do. I look over my shoulder, I make sure I am always in a position to get away fast. That gets exhausting after awhile and it becomes harder to feel safe. All I wanted to do was go home and close and lock that door, but that is no longer an option. So shit what’s next how do I keep going? I kept going by taking a lot of meds for anxiety and depression but they only helped to a point. I needed to find away out of the darkness that has been so safe for me. The more meds I took and the more I had to leave my house I started to get angry! I was angry with myself. I would say, “Jen stop being a baby stop whining your an adult act like one!” Easier to say then actually do. So I need to make my next step. How do I move into the world and out of my house? Well I decided to just go for it and went back to school. OMG the first few months were the hardest thing I have ever done! It also became the one thing that saved me. I finally would have a purpose!!

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