Work is over and here I am still sitting here. I know that I could just go home, but really I am not wanting to do that because the house is empty. So instead I will sit here and write a new post. There has been a lot of talk around the people I care about lately on what is considered healthy behaviors and unhealthy behaviors. Most importantly where I also fit into those behaviors. We all know already that I am not the most mentally healthy person in the world. So I have two amazing friends in my life and it is so easy for me to want to help them and get them both to a place where they are using healthy coping skills, but as one of these people just pointed out I am also guilty of the things I am wanting them to work on. So I have one friend who does anything and everything that this person is asked to do, to the detriment of this persons own stability. My other person likes to isolate and hid from the world when struggling. I get the wanting to isolate and also the wanting to avoid but that does not really help anything, ya that is until I do the same things without noticing what I am doing..lol One of my peeps reminded me that I also tend to isolate myself. My isolation does look different but it is still not what is best for me. My conversation with this person involved being reminded I am still screwed up and got me thinking about if there is a difference between avoiding and isolation.
Well considering I do not want to admit this to myself this is hard for me to step back from and see it from the outside. Really and truly avoiding and isolation are the exact same thing with just slightly different mechanisms. It drives me nuts when people point out to me that I am not as okay as I like to think I am. It is easy to be that person who can look at someone else situation and say yup I don’t do that. Complete bullshit is what it is. Maybe instead of spending so much time trying to help others I should take my own advice and deal with my own shit. So much easier to look outside of yourself though. Maybe I am not as okay with myself as I like to think I am. Time to take a step back and re-evaluate where I am in this life. Maybe I need to be more careful with myself and those around me. Maybe the problem is not everyone else but really the problem is me.
Maybe I have recreated this whole persona that I use to hide behind. I wonder if I just stopped and seen what was really underneath if I would see something different. Would the world around me continue to circle and make me under what life is really about. Would I be less anxious, less depressed, less fixated on bullshit. The drama that goes on around me I need to wonder how much of it is my own doing. I like to think I am not part of the cycle but again this might be complete bullshit. I think instead of isolating and avoiding it is time for me to look very closely and see who I really am. That is just as scary though. Did my abuse fuck me up more then I like to admit to? Did the good pieces of me get lost in all the bullshit? I wonder if the good pieces of me were all taken by the fucking men in my life who thought it was okay to use and fuck a child. How do I get the pieces back, can I even get them back? Do I want them back? Why does the violation have to continue after the act has ended? Sorry today I am full of questions and no damn answers! I AM ANGRY and I don’t even know why or if I have the right to be angry. Sorry readers this post went way off course before I even realized it. I have some thinking to do…Until next time!