If you have ever struggled with trauma and mental health issues then you will probably understand this post.
The last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I am not that person who cries but the last two weeks it seems to be all I have been doing. Last week was my tipping point. I spent two days just crying and feeling at my lowest. I did a couple things I would not normally do, I left work I guess you can say I ran away, I called my psychiatrist because I am clearly not stable at this time, then I called my therapist to try and get in to see her ASAP.
So this morning I saw my therapist and we talked about the last couple weeks and while processing the events over the last couple weeks she said something that scared the hell out of me. She pointed out to me that over the last couple months the people in my life have done the one thing for me she has never been able to do. These people found a way to break through what was left of my wall. This wall has protected me for so many years and the thought of no longer having that protection scared the fuck out of me. Now all I keep thinking about is what if the people who have broke though that wall hurt me and my protection is gone. Will I survive or will that just pushing backwards to where I was. I don’t want to be that scared, lonely, timid person I was. How is it I am 42 years old and I still don’t have my life figured out!? For now I am going to take the ride and deal with the consequences when they come….