The intention of this blog is for me to have a place to process my life and the trauma that has shaped my life and also as a means to let people who are suffering to know they are not alone and that they can keep moving forward and lead the life they want. Lately I am being plagued by the same flashback over and over again. I have not talked to my supports about this as I do not want to burden them with this. I know they would tell me I am not burdening them but seeing the looks that come to their faces is something I can’t deal with today. If you have survived sexual assault you may want to stop reading now as I will be pretty graphic in the rest of this post…. So here it goes.
I have having this flashback and nightmare often over the last few weeks. Please be aware that I am still trying to sort all the details out so if this appears randomly put together that is why.
This memory I think is from around the age of 11 or 12. I was at home with Ron and I am not sure where my mom or little brother were. I just know it was just the two of us. I can remember being called into Ron’s room and feeling a sense of dread came over me. We lived in a trailer and the room was at the end of the hall. I can feel my stomach growing more and more sickly. The walk down that hallways was the longest walk ever. When I get to the door of the room he tells me to come in and shut the door. I knew better then to argue with him because it would just be worse for me. I walked in and slowly shut the door why he called me a slut and told me I was going to suck his dick because that was the only thing I was good at. I already knew better by this time not to cry. I knew if I cried it would make him happier. He got on the bed and undid his pants and told me to get it done. I was still working hard not to cry I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to just be done and left alone. I got on the bed as I was ordered to and he grabbed me by the hair and started pushing me down and told me to open my mouth. He forced me to suck him off until he Ejaculated in my mouth. Like every other time I throw up in him. While I managed not to cry getting sick was worse then if I cried. You would have thought that after this happening so many times before he wouldn’t have kept forcing me to go down the on him. The name calling just continued from there and I would be forced to follow him into the bathroom to watch him clean himself up. I was then sent to my room until my mom got home. I knew that I had to continue playing the part and this meant being a good girl and pretending nothing was wrong. I got pretty good at keeping my emotions in check even when I struggled in the outside.
I know that if y continued to read that you are probably sickened. I know that’s how I always feel when I have this flashback. I still feel like that helpless little girl. My hope that putting this here and not being ashamed of it will allow me to end this video taped play back in my head. I will say I am sorry if you read this and it causes problems for you. Remember we are all not alone one day, one hour, one second at a time.