Why just Why

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I feel so lost and hopeless. I wish I could pinpoint when this feeling started because maybe then I could turn this around. I feel like I am either losing or pushing those around me away. I feel the need to protect myself but from what!? I hate that the last two days I have let down my BFF she has worked so hard and it was my job to be there to support her and encourage her, but what did I do instead I bailed. She tries to tell me I am a strong woman and it will all be ok. I’m not strong I’m not wanting to fight anymore. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere like I always use to. When did I allow outside influences to change who I am and how I feel. It’s not just my BFF I am pushing away. There is my male BFF who I have connected with over the last couple months. I am pushing him away to say it’s to protect him but really it’s to protect me. Of course I don’t want to cause him any anxiety or stress it would be easier to just back away from him. Then there is my husband who I love more then life itself and I find myself anxious and worried that I will say or do the wrong thing and loss him. I use to know what I wanted and what I needed. Now I am just a lost child like I was when my abusers would use me for their pleasure. This is the place I never wanted to be at again. I am survive it again because that’s what I do but fuck it gets harder and harder every time. I always fear I will not be able to pull out of that he darkness again. I have dealt and continue to deal with so much hurt, pain, and struggles just for once I would like the universe to just give me a break. Well I think it’s time to go to bed and sleep so I am ready to face a new day….

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