Thursday night I came home late from an amazing speaker. I felt the need to wake my husband and share my trigger post with him. It would have been easy to have had him read it to himself but I am working on being more vulnerable with my husband, so I decided to read the post to him. Of course I became pretty emotional while reading it to him. Once I finished reading it to him I was surprised by his reaction. First I saw pity in his eyes and that about killed me. After a couple minutes I asked him what he was thinking and he said, “ I am trying to process”. He then got up from the couch and went to the bedroom and got dressed. He said he needed a smoke now. We did go out and smoke and I struggled to look at him. One I was feeling vulnerable and second I was still confused by his reaction. We ended up going to bed and didn’t talk about it anymore.
The next morning I got up and still was not feeling good about the interaction. My husband reached out to me in a sexual way and I pulled away from him. I was still feeling unsettled and he took this personally which made me angry. I tried to explain why I pulled away but I was still salty about the night before. I held this all day until that evening.
It was at that point that I talked to one of my favorite people and was able to process and look at the situation logically. While talking to this person I was able to step back and look at the night before from my husbands side of things. I was surprised he was not angry last night. While talking I came to realize that he probably was angry but was afraid to show me that because of the situation a few weeks ago when he scared me. So I knew I needed to talk more about this with Jamie.
Last night while we were chatting I talked to him about his reaction that night. I learned that his reaction was his way of assure he didn’t make me feel afraid of him. He worries that if he told me he was pissed and wanted to find the person and hurt that person as much as I was hurt that he would scare me again. This allowed Jamie and I to really talk about how he was feeling and how important it is to me that he continue to express his feelings because if he holds back then to me it feels like he doesn’t care. Every time we talk I feel more and more hopeful. One day at a time and I know we will be stronger in the end!