This title makes me smile because I am 42 and still just can’t get my shit together. I’m more confused and anxious now then ever. I have actually been avoiding my blog for a long time but I realize I need this outlet again. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks while reading this!
Everyday continues to be a struggle of trying to figure my life out. It’s been bad enough that lately I wake up every morning with a lot in my stomach. This pit will either last all day or I will end up vomiting in the morning. My marriage continues to be a big stressor for me. I wish I could just wake up and everything would be back to the way it was. I want to feel secure and happy again with who I am in my marriage. I know one way to fix my marriage and it’s time to decide if I can do this or not. if only I could be the person I use to be, even just the person I was a couple years ago that would help my marriage. There are days I sit here and think how easy it would be to fix all this. I mean it was good enough for me the last 20 years so I think I could be that person again.
I think about how selfish I am being lately. What right do I have to expect my partner to just be on board with my changes. He married the girl he loves 21 years ago and lately she has completely disappeared. This new person in my marriage and decided it is okay for her to be selfish and not think about her husband. I am part of a couple I am not single and answer only to myself so maybe it’s me who is wrong. The worse part of this is it’s not just me screwing with my marriage but other people are having to deal with my selfishness.
How can I truly be someone’s friend know that this person is also struggling due to our friendship? What right do I have to be a reason someone else is struggling and hurting. Well I know how to fix all this and I think I can do this. I go back to relying on myself, I go back to keeping more to myself, I go back to focusing on my husband and my job. Those are the important things that I should be focusing on. See I know what to do and I know how to do it but am I selfless enough to actually do it? I can do this I can put others before myself, I can assure that things go back to the way they were. It will take some time to find the right box but it’s possible. One day, one moment, and one minute at a time. At the end of it all being an adult will be easier.
I plan to stop avoiding this outlet and using it asshole I intended to use it all along. At least the few people who read this will have a good story to follow!