Sometimes I sit here thinking about what I should do in certain situations. I hate seeing people in my life suffer. I hate seeing people in my life hurting. The helper in me what’s to make things better if at all possible.
I don’t care at what cost it comes to me to help others. Helping others is what has given my life purpose. Ok I know I am not making a lot of sense here but this is my process.
First thing I want to talk about is the fact that I’m 2 days my husband and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage. If you would have asked me a couple months ago if I thought we would make it past 21 years I would have told you it was not looking good. Today I see this differently. Well I wish our marriage would not have hit a huge brick wall I will say at the end of the day it was needed. I think we needed to get to our breaking point so we could start living in our marriage again. For many years we just went through the motions it got so we were just roommates because honestly neither of us knew what we needed. This huge struggle has gotten my marriage moving forward again. We are talking and listening to each other. We are learning about each other’s needs and wants and how they have changed over the last 21 years. We are having all those hard conversations and coming up with compromises. We are becoming a team again! I love that!
So while my marriage is getting better there are other parts of my life that I am struggling to figure out. While I have changed and I am looking for many things in my life they come at a cost. It’s easy to look at things in my life and like where they are going. I look at the affects it has on others around me and the helper and fixer in me hates that. I have started to look around me and see what I can do to make things better. The only way I can see that I can protect people is to walk away and go back to the way life was before. I also need to except a lot less from people who have helped me in important ways in my long journey. Making the change now will be easier because I am already losing one person from a big part of my life. I know this person will not disappear completely but it will change as this person is leaving the place I work and no matter how close people are that big change will change our relationship. The other person who has changed my outlook of life and who helped me see that the world does not always have to be a scary place. I think that the lessons I have learned will allow me to be ok with pulling away. My pulling away I hope will make other things easier.
Now I just need to figure out how to keep myself busy and find other hobbies to keep me busy as I adjust. I have this week off and it will allow me to figure out what I need and want to do, plus while I am away from everyone this week I hope that life will change for many people. Time to find my way in a world I have never completely felt comfortable in. Therapy tomorrow this will help me figure out how to make changes that will be good for me and those around me. Im also going to start using this outlet again to process things around me. I stopped do that for awhile as people who would read my posts were taking it out of context and without all the information it is easy to read more into these posts. I am not longer going to worry about others. If you are reading this then know you may not understand where I am at but it’s for me not for you. Jennie is taking back her own power and taking care of my own needs. Nothing else matters! Goodnight…