I know that my blog helps me so much and this week I should have came here. This week was one of the worse weeks I have had in a long time. Let me explain…
With not going to deep into the situation as this started at work. This week I dealt with being threatened while working. I am the type of person who works hard to keep my shit together when dealing with a stressful situation. I don’t like to store my vulnerability because that is not safe, at least not for me. I let myself break down in front of people at work. Don’t get me wrong I have those very few people at work that I will be completely vulnerable with. This day it was in front boss and other members of my administration. Not only did I break down in front of people I was not about to pull myself together after the fact either.
I ended up leaving work scared to drive home alone. I got home put my car garage hurried into my home locking the door behind me. I was shaking, scared, and completely in high alert. When I got house I closed my house up tight! Curtains pulled tight buried myself under a blanket and completely broke down. My dogs got on top of me and wouldn’t leave my side. I realized at summer point I couldn’t do this alone. I sent a message to my therapist and asked her to call if she had a chance.
While waiting I found myself having flashback to things I have not dealt with in a long time! My dogs needed to go outside and I couldn’t make myself do it. I had to put them in their kennels I just couldn’t do it. I hated myself that I let myself fall back to this hole. My therapist did call me and we talked for awhile and she told me to stop beating myself up that wasn’t helping. We made a plan I could stay locked up and closed in but only until my hubby got home. I had to go outside with him and take the dogs out so I was taking the first steps. She also told me to give myself a minute and to not be so hard on myself. So my first step was going out side with my safe person. When my husband got home I did go out but couldn’t stop looking over my shoulder. I was shaking and sweating. It hurt to breathe and I just became more upset with myself. I did finish thought I did stay out side.
The next day I did stay home post of the day again but before I left the house I took another step and opened one curtain in my house. That made me feel I was in control again. Then I went to work. At work I had so much support and I made it through my half day. I still had not slept because I was afraid to close my eyes the flashbacks were more then enough without the nightmares.
Friday I went to work for the whole day. I started to feel stronger. I was tired but at least I was taking my power back. Friday night I used my weighted blanket and I did sleep but made sure I didn’t sleep too deep. Even though it wasn’t s good sleep I woke up this morning feeling a little stronger. Tonight even my hubby got find I decided it was time to go out into public. We went to dinner and I felt myself relaxing and enjoying myself. I think tonight I may be able to really sleep. I am feeling like me again. I am not a victim but I am a survival and I will keep living!