No mater how much you feel that you do the best you can in all areas of your life, but things are not going well it is clear that others will never feel you are good enough. I work hard in all things I do in my life. I try hard to keep my marriage good, I work hard to assure that I am doing the best I can, I try hard to keep relationships good in all aspects of my life.
One day when things are at they’re worse you learn really fast that there is not a lot of people in many aspects of your life that you cannot trust. I am so thankful that my husband is my rock. We have had our struggles and we have had to work hard to keep our marriage strong in the last 21 years but one thing I am sure about he will always have my back and I will always have his.
I also have some really amazing people in my life who I really did not even realize they had my back, but with the things I have dealt with over the last 6 months I have come realize they are there. I do not have to pretend to be okay with them. I can have a bad day or 6 and they will not judge me. Instead they will do what they can to pick me back up when I am not able to do so myself.
Then there are the parts of my life where I thought people were true and had my back and I have come to find out that is not the case. People who like to pretend to my face that they are there and they are people I can trust, but when my back is turned they are the people I have to watch out for the most. Now I have to deal with my mom being sick, struggling with my mental health, and dealing with my PTSD and second guess what I should do with my life because I have enough to deal with and now I have to watch my back. My job has always been stressful, duh I have expected that I work in the mental health field, but now I realize my job is more stressful because I have lost a lot of trust in those I work with.
I always went to work and felt that I could trust and know that what was needed would be taken care of. Now I find that I have to watch to assure that things are being done, that people are doing what they need to do, and the worse part of all having people undermine and question me at every turn. There is a lack of respect for my job and my position and it makes me question myself. This pisses me off more than anything because I know my job and I know what I am doing. My license is on the line so I always question and think about what I am doing. This apparently is not good enough for most anymore. I fear this is only going to get worse now that I am committed to taking care of my mom and will to be at my job as much as I would like to be. This has led me to thinking I may need to reconsider where I am going from here.
As I sit here writing this post and processing, as this is what I use this for, I realize that if I give up that I really give up on myself. I realize that I need to find away to make a change and take my position back. One thing that will change is I will no longer confide in people. I will do my job, make the decisions I need to, and put them into action without anyone else’s thoughts and opinions. I also need to work on not caring what people think about my policies and guidelines. One day, one minute, and one second at a time. This is my new normal for now…..