Trauma, it’s that thing that no matter how hard you try never seems to let go of a person. Many days I get up and go through my day a different am ok. Then suddenly things come back and hit me in the face and don’t let go.
I hate the place that my trauma sends me down to. I hate that this place sends me down the path to blow up everything in my life. It’s not like I wake up one morning and say yup today is the day I push everyone and everything as far away as possible. I don’t want to do that but I get to that place where it is so much easier.
Lately I have had to much time to think. I have used this time to think about different things in my life. Starting with my job. I’m at a place where I don’t know why I keep busting my ass. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone and I don’t feel like anyone respects what I do. Why keep going back to a place I don’t feel confident in anymore.
Then there is the health issues with my mom. I’m so glad that I am in a position where I can be there to help her and support her as she goes this new situation. It is so hard to see my mom struggle with all of this. I feel helpless and know I have no control over any of this. I’m so glad I get to be there even though it’s going to be hell for her. Even though all of this is going on and I know that note then anything I need supports around me. I don’t want them though. I find myself pushing everyone away. Why? Because no one ever completely ever stays anyways. Move people along now because it’s easier at the end of the day. Trauma has taught me that no one is ever really 100% there anyways. There is always a catch or something else.
You know who you are and you probably want to stop reading here. It really sucks when someone calls themselves your friend, that friend who says they have your back. That friend who says no matter what I am there. I think this person probably means all of the things said, but what about the fact that actions are not always the same. I get it having a friend of the opposite sex is not easy. Fuck it causes a lot of problems! Its not a situation that can ever just be easy, but when you have so much time to think about things and analyze things a person starts to wonder.
Writing this maybe I am fucked up. Maybe the problem has always been me. Most people don’t stick it out and the commonality is really me. Trauma allows me to always be scared, skeptical, untrusting, and leaves me feeling out of control. Maybe instead of thinking about the fact that my life isn’t easy I need to think about how to make things easier.
I use to be the person who stayed home, never left the house unless I had to. Being the person who to protect never trusted or believed anyone would really want to be around me allowed me to just rely on me. I couldn’t be hurt if I didn’t allow anyone the chance to mean enough to me to ever hurt me. Jamie he has always been that one person that I never felt the need to push him away. He came into my life and took his spot in my world and wouldn’t allow me to push him out. Instead he pushed his way in. I’m so lucky Jamie didn’t just run away. No matter how awful I have been to him he still stayed. Jamie is my life and my true love because even when my trauma takes over it can’t take Jamie away from me. I’m so lucky to have this amazing person in my life who loves me, protects me, cheers me in, and loves me without boundaries. Now if the rest of me to find this I would be unstoppable.
How do I bottle what Jamie has become in my life to eliminate the rest of the crap in my life that trauma has control over? One thing I do know for sure if I can everything else in my life I can’t change my love for Jamie. I can change anything and everything else but that. Think instead of using all the down time I have to worry about work, friends, and insecurities I need to figure out what is next for me…
That was a lot of rambling but sometimes this is my best outlet for processing. Plus I am sure I am not the only one out there who deals with the crazy affects of trauma. Many will think I’m ridiculous but I know many will understand in ways no one else can.