The Lowest of the Low

I know there is so much uncertainty in this world right now.  I wish that I had the capacity lately to look outside of my own world and really say I care about those around me.  I can honestly say that I can’t remember at time where I wake every morning and wish I could put the covers over my head and ignore everything.  However, I know the real world does not give two shits about what I need at this time.  I need to figure out how to move forward on my own.

I have never been a person who cries over much.  Lately I am so overwhelmed and isolated and scared.  I am not scared for me, I am not scared of covid-19 for myself.  I fear for my mom who just learned she has cancer and is in treatment, I fear for my husband who is out there delivering to grocery stores, I fear for the people I work with, and the people I work to support. 

Everyday I come to the office to see my consumers and assure they are doing well because that is what I am suppose to do.  When I say I am suppose to do, I do not mean that my agency is forcing me to be here.  When I took this job I took this job knowing it would not be an easy job.  I knew I was the person who had to keep my team doing what they need to be doing to protect our consumers, and I know that it was my job to be there for my consumers.  I took this job know that it would not always been in the best ideal circumstances but the way I look at it I am not allowed to let them down.  I am not allowed to let my consumers fall apart because I am to afraid to be there for them. 

This is not to say that I do not do everything I can to assure that I am keeping people around me safe, because I am doing that as best as I can.  I will not hide away and not take responsibilities for the needs of my consumers. 

This is all taking a toll on my in many ways.  I am not eating as I should be.  While I am losing weight it is not in the way I would like to be.  I am either sleeping way to much or not at all.  By the time I get home I have nothing left to give my husband, my mom, my pets, and lastly myself.  I am numb and I have come to a point where I just question myself about why I continue to get up everyday and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I question why I even get out of bed.  It would be so easy right now to just give up on everything and walk away or hope not to wake again.  Please don’t think I am saying I am going to hurt myself that is not where this is at.  I just need to be able to express that I just don’t care anymore, I just don’t have a lot of fight left in me, I just want to be left alone.  These are all things that are not possible for me. 

Remember when you are looking at a person you think is strong and has it all together, WE DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER!  We just smile through it and hope to make to the end of the day.  If I can make it through 8 hours I can then go home and lay on my couch and be numb again.  I favorite thing to always say is “Strong Like Bull” one day I hope to believe that again. 

Most important in all of this is remember to love yourself, love your neighbors, lets build each other up because I know I am not the only who is struggling right now so lets help each other. 

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Hello I am a strong woman who has experience trauma and disappointment. I thought my story and dreams are over but that might now be the case...

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