Lately the nightmares have been coming back again a few times a week. I have tried to ignore them and push through my day but I know better so I turned to my coping skill making a post.
I am sure a lot of it has to do with stress. Working my normal job plus trying to get my new business off the ground is taking its toll. Ok I think I’m ready to put my dream down in writing in the hopes that the nightmare ends.
For the last few weeks the same nightmare finds me in the dark. It’s my first memory of being molested by my groomer. Please know that I was 13 and already suffered tears of being molested before this day. I didn’t know any different or better. When my groomer first came into my life I was very cautious about getting to close. This changed fast not because I wanted it to but because I had no other choice. Living in a very, and I mean a very small space didn’t allow for me to keep my distance easily. Have you ever lived in a camper? I don’t mean a camper that sleeps many people. I am talking a camper on the back of a pick up truck. There wasn’t a lot of room to escape.
Being 13 I am not sure how things really started to evolve, I wish I did maybe I would be able to save someone else but I just don’t remember. What I do remember is the first time it went past that line. I don’t remember how it started but I remember the first time he touched me. I remember how my body reacted and I think back on that now and I want to vomit. The worse part of all of this is we were not alone. He didn’t care that we were not alone. My brother was there, he already thought the sun rose and set because of this guy. He was also so young he wouldn’t have understood anyways. Even if I wanted to tell anyone how could eye. No one would believe me once they learned that it wasn’t in private. No one would believe that this guy who everyone loved would do such a thing. That really doesn’t even matter at this point because he had been preparing me for this moment. He know what to say to my insecure self who had been molested for years. He know that I wouldn’t tell anyone because it was what I wanted. After he finished touching me he told me he loved me and that this is how dads show love. Shit I didn’t know any different so he was able to twist everything and make me think I was special. Ya I was fucking special alright.
I have worked so hard to deal with this but now it’s all coming back and haunting me again. How much more work do I need to do? How much more do I have to suffer before I don’t have to think about him. When do I get to finally live a life free of the torment that I loved for so many years. He is dead but he still holds power over my life. Not during my waking hours but during the darkness. Just like all those times he would sneak into my room at night. He would sneak in take what he wanted and leave me in the night feeling that it was my fault that I wanted this it was me who caused all this. He is dead but I still feel violated. I want to feel free. He is dead and I pay the punishment!