Feeling lost

I know everyone goes through times when they just are not sure who they are. When these times happen to me I end up doing something stupid and hurting myself. I do not mean physically hurting myself. What I mean is I will do or say something that will end up in me being hurt by my own hand emotionally. I am always ready to lose someone important to me in my life, but it always happens because I make it happen by doing or saying something stupid. Well surprise surprise I did it again yesterday. I have a friend who is going through a hard time. This person and I have been very close friends for about a year now. There is someone in my friends life that does not like me being friends with this person. This last year I have tried to change the dynamic, but I have come to realize that will probably never happen and I just need to move on and let it go. Well recently my friend told me that lately there has been a lot of struggles in their life. I want to support my friend, but I think it is more important for my friends significant other to be there to support and also during this time not have to worry about my being part of my friends life. Time for my friend to focus on that relationship along with my friends current struggles. I told my friend that its probably time to end out friendship so that the significant other can focus on the support my friend needs without worrying about me being part of my friends life. Pretty sure that today my friend is going to tell me that I am right and our friendship will end. At the end of the day I will have no one to blame but myself because I am my own worse enemy.

It is not easy living a life where you push everyone aside and hurt them before someone can hurt me. I am not sure if this will ever change or maybe this is just what my life is going to be. One good thing about pushing people alway is they never learn who you truly are and that secret gets to stay with me. I long for the days I never left my home and never really had any friends. It was so much easier. Yes it was lonely and yes it sucked at times, but I was safe and there was no one to worry about but myself. The biggest positive for living that way also is I never had to worry about hurting someone or letting someone down.

I am sure before the day is done I will be heartbroken and emotional, but I will reread this and remind myself that I have no one to blame but me. No matter what all I want is for my friend to have the best life possible and I know that is only possible for I am out of this persons life as much as possible so that there is no fear from the significant other and that person can support my friend. Sorry this probably appears a little cryptic but again this is to protect this person and lets be real myself included.

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