The last couple of weeks have been tough for sleeping. I don’t know how much more I can take of these nightmares. They go away for awhile and I think I am in the clear. Things start to go well and bam all of a sudden I am a teenager again living out the same nightmare. These nightmares are so vivid and real I feel like I am right back in that life. I have worked so hard and it is so hard to be taken right back.
I know I am not alone in this, but I wonder if I am the only one that continues stay stuck even though I have put in so much hard work to move forward. When do I just get to be happy. When do I get to have complete control of my whole world. I hear so many people talking about the meaning of life, or what they think they were meant to do or be in this life. For me I feel that my life is about pain and suffering and always being in that whole fighting very minute to get back out and hope that I can make it back to the top before my life is over.
I am one of those people that hates being emotional and vulnerable but lately that is all I am. I cry so easy and feel so exposed to the world. The nightmares go away and give me a fucking false sense of security. I think yes it has been 2 weeks they are gone maybe I am finally free. I will never be free I will also have to struggle to get to the top. I am so tired and sometimes wish I could just stop climbing. I would hate myself if i stopped trying, but still I wonder will it ever end. Will I ever reach the top? Will I ever be able to own my life and my power. This asshole is dead and he is still making my life miserable.
You know what is even more exhausting is pretending. Getting up and pretending that you are happy and great and nothing is going to keep you down. When actually smiling through my day is harder than the nightmares. By the time the day is over I have nothing left because I used up all my energy to pretend to the world that Jennie is strong and capable. That is a bunch of bullshit actually. Jennie isn’t any of these fucking things. Jennie is a liar and a fake. PLEASE I just want peace.