I need to remember that using my blog is something that helps me and I need to start using it again. I continue to struggle, I am sure everything going on with year is not helping. I also see that we have a full moon and that never helps a person out. I have been so tired lately that last night I actually went to bed at 6:30. It is never a good feeling when you body and mind is so tried you can’t even function in your normal life. I am hoping today will be better.
Yesterday at work I had a complete emotional break down. This is something I hate doing because I never want people to think I am weak. I always project strength and confidence. I feel that when I break down in front of people I can no longer pretend I am these things. It is also hard to think about censoring myself. I have learned over the last couple of days that its not okay to just be me all the time. I have to watch how I respond to people who I always felt safe with. I no longer feel safe with people who use to be my safety net. While that feels normal to me because thats how I have always lived, it still sucks because I felt that I could change that and now realize that is not the case.
One thing that is my constant is my husband. I do not know what I would do without him. I know I am safe and I know who I am when I am with him. It is hard to believe we have been together for 22 years and I still seek him out when I need comfort and safety. I rely on him now as much as I when we first got together. I am grateful for him and all the sacrifices he has made to help me meet my goals and dreams. I hope that I show him this and tell him this enough.
The nightmares did not come last night. I am always so grateful when they do not come. Sometimes though I know I am avoiding sleep just to make sure they do not come. Sometimes I just need a break and no sleep is easier to deal with then the sleep with nightmares. I always wonder how can someone who is dead still cause so much harm to the living. This person has been dead and gone for 21 years and he has not been able to physically hurt me. Sometimes I wish for the abuse because it is easier to handle than fighting off something I can’t see and touch. I don’t know if that makes sense but I feel like I am being robbed of the ability to fight for myself. Maybe that is my punishment. Maybe I am not suppose to fight it, because I did not try and fight when he was alive. Maybe I am going to live the rest of my life fighting something that is no longer there. That sounds so exhausting actually, but maybe thats what this is all leading me up to. Getting me prepared to live the rest of my life in fear. Maybe this is really all my fault. Maybe I did ask for this punishment. Ugh I am just so lost.