It doesn’t seem to matter how much effort and time I put into my trauma treatment. It does to take much for it all to come crashing back down on me. The last few weeks have been pretty stressful with a lot of changes in my business life. Since everything started I have not been sleeping. The reason I am not sleeping is because when I being stressed it increases my anxiety. When my anxiety increases the nightmares come back stronger then ever. There are times when i feel like I am right back in that world. Every night I feel like I am being raped over and over again. That part is not even the worse part. The physical pain from the rapes are so much easier then hearing the voice again and again saying the same thing over and over again. “NO one will ever want you! No one will except you and take care of you the way I do.” “I mean look at you, you are so broken no one would ever take the time to try and find you’.
It still takes my breath away every time I hear those words. I use to hear those words in person while he raped me, but nothing compares to hearing them now. Nothing compares to the power those words still have over me. He has been dead for over 20 years and I still close my eyes and hold by breath waiting for the door to open. I am married to an amazing man and I still lay next to him waiting for the nightmare to start and feeling the intense fear just like it was over 20 years ago.
I still hate myself and think I am weak. Why did I let this person control me so much that I did not see what was going on until I was free. How could I be old enough to realize it was wrong but I did not stop it. What kind of person allows themselves to do something that was so wrong and not stop it. I was molested for years and I have been able to move past that, but I can’t let go of the abuse that comes with grooming. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the nightmares before I break (no I do not plan to hurt myself). How much can one person survive and still be able to manage being a decent person in life. I feel so lost, angry, hurt, an broken and I hate that I feel this way. He is dead why am I still suffering. Well that is easy I am just continuing what was started and do not know how to stop it. Please I need peace and I need to feel whole for the first time in my life.