I think I use to like it better when I locked myself away in my house and did not leave it. I did not have to see anyone, make nice, or take the chance of being left feeling unsafe. Lately I feel like I am all of the above and it is hell. There is always something or someone who is going to let you down or try and drag you down. I always hope that I am in a place that this does not happen, but lets be real I am still in that place all the time. It is worse with the nightmares, because leaves me feeling emotional and vulnerable and these feels seem to follow me the rest of the day. I don’t get a break and I do not get to just have peace in those days.
It is hard to spend every day looking over your shoulder and trying to avoid anything that could through me into a bigger tailspin. I am fearful and numb most of the days and it is hard work to try and pretend that everything is okay. I say I am fine, but really I am screaming in my head I am not fine. I am in Hell right now. I am lucky in many ways I have a great support system, but really they can only do so much when I am feeling this way. I even find I pretend with them so no one knows what is actually going on with me.
The stupid thing is that I know that when I shut people out I am letting the evil back into my head. I am reminded again and again, that I am no good, not lovable, and will never truly be wanted by anyone. I live in the belief that no one would want me expect to get their own needs met. Logically I know this is not completely true, but that does not stop the insecure or illogical part of me believing this. I hear his voice saying these things to me over and over through my day. It is hard to not believe it when there are people in your world that show you that it is true.
I would love to have a day where my confidence is real, that I truly feel loved, where I know I am needed just because of who I am. Will this be how it is for the rest of my life? When will I have the chance to stop pretending I am happy and actually be happy. Don’t get me wrong there is happiness in my life, but there are a lot of days I have to pull myself out of the place I have been thrusted into to feel it.