This is what I wrote today on Facebook.
I know many people are reflecting on 2020 and can’t wait to see it go. While it has not been the easiest year I can’t say it was a awful year. In February we learned my mom has stage 4 cancer. This sucks completely but I look at this and I am thankful she was able to move back to Wisconsin and move in with me. I have gotten to spend the last 10 months making amazing memories. Then there has been COVID. The world went into lock down. When this happened I was forced to reflect on my life and decide if I was happy or needed to make changes. Starting with my professional life being in an office while everyone worked from home was eye opening! I came to realize I worked at a job that did not give me any sense of purpose or fulfillment, I came to realize that I worked with people who did not share the same passion as I did, my eyes were open to see who had the passion I did. This helped me plan my next adventure. I decided to take my passion from the dead end job to open my own practice with two people who have the same passion for the work we do. It was a lot of hard work but we are open and every week we are growing. I put in long hours but it’s because I love my work not because I have to play catch up all the time. My business has helped me find my purposes. This year I also made the decision to reevaluate the choices I have made in my life and reach out to fix the mistake I made. I have reconnected with someone in my life that I allowed others to cloud my own judgement. This reconnection has been amazing and I have been so luck this person answered when I reached out. Then I have to reflect on the family that I have reconnected with. I have isolated myself from most of my family to protect myself well I have opened my circle and let some back in and I am glad I have!This year has not been easy but it isn’t suppose to be and I have grown so much because if it. I will celebrate the end of the 2020 year but not because it was awful but because of the person I am because of it. The last thing that 2020 has given me is a stronger marriage and so much love for my husband. With Jamie Bowyer by my side I can do anything!! Here is to the end of 2020 and the start of another adventure in 2021. Be safe and much love!
I’m sitting here tonight emotional and depressed. I’m sitting here and wondering why I have to be so strong. I’m sitting here wanting to cry but I won’t because my mom is right here with me and I have to be strong. I’m sitting beee thinking about letting my husband down and myself down because I didn’t plan my life better. I wrote that Facebook post and I look at it now and it’s a lot of bullshit. I am a fake and a fraud.
What I really want to say is I’m tired of being strong, tired of letting everyone around me down. I’m tired of the nightmares that will not leave me alone, I’m tired of pretending I’m okay. I am not okay, I am not strong!
I keep everything to myself I don’t ask for help because I don’t want to be weak also. I don’t tell the people around me that I’m just done and tried and don’t care. I don’t tell them how my heart is broken and tried. I keep the smile on my face because that’s what I am supposed to do. I feel so alone even in a room full of people. Sitting here and writing them I feel pathetic and stupid, because at the end of the day is my life that bad. I sit here thinking about all the people around me who say God is with you. Where is he, where has he been. I hate when people say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. How much more can I take. Am I stronger for being raped at starting at the age of 6 until I was 13. Am I stronger from being groom from 13 to the age of 19. Am I stronger because I still have nightmares and still blame myself. Watching my mom fucking die how is that going to make me stronger. Oh yea I know because tomorrow I will get up put the smile on my face, do what needs to be done, and fall into bed at the end of the day more exhausted because being strong is exhausting. Here is to another day oh yea and another year wish I could say only goes up from here but that is a load of shit!