How many of you reading this blog try to live your life with no regrets. I mean bad things happen, do I wish they did not happen of course; but if those things did not happen in life who would I be today. For so many years I just wished away my life. Nothing good would ever come of my life anyways. Until that day I started my therapy, and realized I could be a better version of myself. It has taken many years for me to realize that I am okay. I will be okay and I will be the best version of myself because of these things.
Every day I wake up and I have been dreading the days. I either don’t sleep or I sleep and have the nightmares come back full force. I do get up though and try and put a smile on my face and pretend all is good. Why do I do this? I do this because there is no one to trust with how I am really feeling. There is no one who will not compare what I am dealing with to their own life. So pretending save me from all of this. I really want to say, I DO NOT CARE!
No matter the struggle I am expected to wake up and do good things. I put myself through hell to prove to the world that anything is possible as long as you pretend your way through it. I come up with these big ideas and get so tangled up in them that at the end of the day they are all I have. Why do I feel the need to do this? Isn’t working full-time, taking care of my marriage, being a daughter, and a caregiver enough. Of course it is not because I have to be super human. I have to make sure I do not let myself down because the world will kick your ass every time and remind you that you are alone in the world. You Are Alone!! Maybe that is the point I am missing. Maybe I am only suppose to work, take care of my marriage, be a daughter, and a caregiver. Everything and everyone else is just distracting me from these pieces of myself.
So usually I live with no regrets but right now I am feeling a lot of regret. Right now I am feeling defeated. Right now I am wondering why. Maybe it’s time to go back to who I was, who I use to be. I need to be the only one who expects anything from me. One day I hope everything I need finds me because I am tired of searching for them. Tomorrow morning I will get up and continue to do what I always do, that is not going to change, but I can promise that my mind set is changing and I will figure out what my purpose is again.
Tonight when I close my eyes I just want one thing to sleep and rest without the nightmares or fears.