PTSD can make you feel alone in a room full of people. PTSD makes you think that those around you are not to be trusted. PTSD makes you question everything and everyone, even those who you shouldn’t. PTSD can make a person paranoid over the smallest things. This is something I still struggle with and hate about myself.
Mix PTSD with insecurities and dreams can make things a nightmare. I keep having this dream over and over has been happening for about 2 weeks now. This dream plays out every night in the same way. First a little background, in August of last year I opened a private practice with 3 other partners. I left my good paying county job. In November things started to go down hill and fast. One of the partners ended up learning the practice. Now I am running the business with my other two partners. For the last year this business has been a labor of love. I have worked so hard to assure that we were opening our doors and doing everything right so as not to make any huge mistakes. Things are really starting to come together. We have clients coming in every week, we just got approved for our state licensing for substance treatment. Things are in the best play they can be considering we are only 7 months into the business. So now here comes the problem. With the other partner who left the business she was pushed out at the end of the day. We had to do this to assure that the business survived. It was not an easy thing for me as I was friends with her for many years and of course that has all ended.
So now back to the dream. I keep dreaming that once everything is working and running smoothly. This would be our certification, billing, and clients coming in regularly I will be pushed out of the business. Once I have put all of myself into this I have nothing left to show for it. This dream and my increased PTSD symptoms have made it very hard for me at work. I do not trust those around me. I listen for the whispering that I fear is happening. I worry about the conversations being had when I am not here to hear them. I find myself holding back a lot of parts of me and pretending all is well. I do not feel that all is well. I feel like time is ticking and just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Let me be clear about one thing. I am not crazy but I am very insecure and do not trust well. I like to tell others I trust them, because seriously that is what people always expect and want to hear. There are days when I am so exhausted or overwhelmed and things slip out to those around me. When this happens I belittle myself and hate that I let any vulnerability show. I try never to let on to others how bad things really are for me right now. I hurt every day watching my mom slowly slip away from the fucking cancer. I can’t control this and it kills me. Control is the only way I know how to survive. Yes it does get exhausting but this way I know I am safe and do not have to count on anyone. I find it so funny when I talk to my therapist and she reminds me that I need to slow down and take care of me. Yea okay! When is there time to do that, I am a wife, daughter, business owner, therapist, and caregiver. Oh ya and I am also in school to improve myself for my business. The only way I know I am living and surviving is by doing everything in my power to take care of everything around me. Once I loss that control my life will forever be changed and it will go spinning off the rails without me being able to bring it back to steady.
Everyday I think about the day to come and I wonder to myself how different the world would be if I just walked away and found a deserted beach somewhere. I know the world would continue on and probably not even realize that I am gone from the day to day. Maybe all the responsibility is just to much for me at this time. Maybe I am just to much for me at this time. I also know that tomorrow morning is a new day and I will wake up and continue being the person I need to be. At least here I can be real and know it does not matter at the end of the day.