This week has been very difficult. On Friday in woke to my mom screaming in pain. U bolted to her and she told me she hear a loud pop in her leg. I tried to move her and she just screamed. I had to call an ambulance and watch my mom in so much pain while they did everything they could to get her into the ambulance without making everything worse for her. We learned that the cancer has moved into her leg and weakened her bones causing the break. She went in for surgery on Saturday. It had been a long painful process for her but she is on the mend which is good. She finally came home yesterday day is getting stronger every day. Well as strong as she will get with cancer eating away at her body. I hate watching her go through all this.
Then on top of all this I have been feeling so inadequate in my marriage. I’m so exhausted and best down that when I get home I really just go through the motions. It’s not fair to my husband but I’m not sure how to make things better right now.
I have been struggling with work also. I am not sure why I am so fearful about work. I am so paranoid that I sit here all day wondering if today is the day I’m out. Logically I know that probably isn’t the case but you know sometimes logic goes right out the window. I feel so alone and struggle to trust anyone. I can’t even talk about it with anyone because then I am a horrible person. Sometimes I just need to talk but again jennie needs to be strong and not have any negative thoughts. So what do I do so I don’t make anyone bad or hurt or question me. Yes I know what to do. I always know what I need to do. Just tried of having to pretend but I will keep it to myself. I will go it alone. Do what I need to do and block out everything and everyone but those I am responsible for. I’m so tired of being lonely. Screw it!