Wish I Knew the Right Answer

My life has been crazy for the last few weeks. This is how I normally process, but I have been avoiding and trying to push everything down again. My therapist told me to get back on here because it has helped so much in the past.

On April 12 I lost my amazing mom to pancreatic cancer. It happened suddenly the week before her femur snapped due to the cancer spreading. I brought her home on a Wednesday and had a great day with her on Thursday. I went to bed that night and happened to forget my phone because I had been keeping it close for her to get me in the middle of the night. Thursday night she ended up having to bang on the wall to get my attention. I came out to her and saw she was struggling to breathe so I helped her do a breathing treatment and called her hospice worker. When the worker got there it was decided we would take her to the ER to figure out what was going on. In a very short time I watch my mom struggle to be able to talk, stay awake, or move. As I sat there watching the monitor I watched her blood pressure slowly decreasing. I decided at that time to call my brother so he could get here in time. The ER wanted to admit her but mom repeatedly told me she wanted to be at home. She really was not able to make any decision anymore at that time. I told the doctor it was time for me to take her home. The paramedics where amazing and helped me to get my mom into the house and into her chair so she would be comfortable.

Many of her brothers and sisters came down to see her and say goodbye. I was happy when everyone left and it was just mom, me, my husband, and my brother with mom. She was always a tough chick and she was not going until unless it was on her terms. On Saturday night we are all with her and her breathing slowed down to 4 breaths a minute and we thought the time was there. We held her hand and played her favorite music. She decided Saturday was not the day and her breathing came back to her baseline. We continued to keep her medicated so she would not be in any pain. On Monday morning everything felt different. My dog who had been trying every minute to get in grandma’s lap, suddenly sat down in front the chair and gave out one little whine. My mom took her last breath in that moment. This was the worst moment of my life. I proceeded to get very drunk and blacking out and thankfully my amazing support people were there for me and helped myself and my family.

I really did not have time to process before I was again sent into an emotionally stressful hurtful day. April 29 was my mom’s birthday then not to much later was mothers day. You would think this would be enough for anyone to deal with. However, that is not how my life tends to go. I learned my husband had a relapse, a friend relapsed, my husband’s truck engine needs to be replaced. All of this has to be handled with the grief because I have a business and my business is to help people and provide them good quality therapy. I struggled to stay on top of everything. I am still struggling to stay on top of everything. My husband has started treatment for his relapse and I know that if he is doing that we will be okay.

Couple of weeks ago now, I woke to some disturbing and scary messages from a friend. I learned that this friend just up and left and no one knew where. I was able to reach out to my friend’s significant other and get into the house. That is when we all learned that this friend had been lying to us for a long time. We ended up calling the police as we were worried for my friend’s safety. The police were able to find my friend and deemed that this friend was safe. The next day, this friend decided to come home and get help. Went inpatient for a bit and came home Wednesday. I am very angry and hurt by this situation. I get it, this is a disease but that is not where the anger is coming from completely. I had wrote a letter and shared it when my friend was released. I feel that the friendship will never be the same again. I have also seen over the last couple of weeks that this friend and significant other do not agree with the persons friendship with me. I have decided to walk away and hope that my friend continues to get the help needed. I feel like I have lost another important person in my life again. I feel myself shutting off from everyone except my husband because one thing I have been able to count on for 23 years is that he will be there at the end of the night and I will be safe.

Having supports in your life is very important but I have also learned that I should not have any expectation of what this will look like. I don’t know that I can continue to have these people around me and look at all of them waiting to prove me right and let me down as everyone always has. I wish there was an answer. For now I plan to protect me.

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Hello I am a strong woman who has experience trauma and disappointment. I thought my story and dreams are over but that might now be the case...

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