Time to Just Deal with it.

This has been a rough couple of months. I lost my mom April 12 and really was not prepared for it. While I knew it would be sometime in the near future due the cancer, I did not expect it to happen in a few short hours. At 11:30 Thursday I was. woke to my mom hitting the wall to get my attention. I got up and went to see if she was okay. She was struggling to breath and had already tried a breathing treatment. I made the call to hospice to have them come and see her. When the nurse arrived she asked mom if she wanted to go to the ER and see if they can manage the breathing. My mom decided to do that so an ambulance was called. We got to the ER and were there for about 5 hours. I watched my mom’s blood pressure fall every time they took her vitals. Her communication became harder and harder to understand. I finally pulled the doctor aside and asked him if this was it. He told me it was, and I told him he needs to explain that to her as she wants to die at home. He went in and talked to her and she decided to go home. They had an ambulance come and help me get her home. I called my brother and husband first to get them moving towards home. All of Friday my mom was not able to talk, but she would smile and giggle if anyone would say anything to her.

Later that night when it was just myself, my husband, my brother, and two friends she reached out for hugs from all of us and that was the last time she opened her eyes. My mom was always a strong amazing woman and she was letting us know she would be going out on her terms. On Saturday night her breathing declined to about 4 breaths a minute and we wrapped ourselves around her chair so she would not be alone. She decided that Saturday was not the day. Her breathing came back up, but she still was no longer responding to us. On Monday morning we all woke up and she appeared to be doing worse so we all gathered around her. AT 9 am my dog let out a huge cry and my mom took her last breath, again on her terms.

I did not handle her death very well. I ended up taking a pill for my anxiety and then started to drink. My drink of choice is always tequila. I am embarrassed to admit, that once they took my mom out of the house I got wasted and do not remember the rest of that day. I also was told my family was very worried about my state of mind due to comments I made.

I am so thankful for the last year I got with her and would not trade that for anything. I do still wish i could hear her voice one last time. I love you mom.

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Hello I am a strong woman who has experience trauma and disappointment. I thought my story and dreams are over but that might now be the case...

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