Do you ever get to a place where everything and anything just seems like to much work, takes too much energy. I have been in the place for awhile now. I think it started about the time I lost my mom. For a year I was her caregiver. Took her to appointments, drove her where she needed to go, and was always worried about when the time would come and I would lose her.
One thing I am really good at is making my life crazy so I can avoid all the shit I should not be avoiding. So when mom died I had my business, which takes a lot of my time, then I decided it was a good time to go back to school and work towards my doctorate. While these are great reasons they are just a symptom of the things I am avoiding. People like to ask me why I do so much and why I don’t like to ask for help. Well if I do not live in a state of chaos then I do not know how to survive. I survived my life because of the chaos I put myself into. If I am to busy to notice danger then I don’t have to be controlled by it.
Asking for help has always been a sign of weakness to me. No one helped me survive my life. I did that on my own so I don’t need anyone to help me now. I do this to the point that I ended up making myself sick or driving into a deep despair. Plus if I ask for help the voices that tell me I am nothing and will never be anything are right and I can’t let them be right. Logically I get that they are not right, but if it was just about being logical I would be fine but it is not.
I find I am doing a lot of hiding in many areas of my life. I have amazing supports and friends, but I have stopped talking to them. Well, not like stopped stopped, but I do not talk about my fears, anger, or rejection anymore. There is a lot of time I feel judged or worse that when I do talk to someone, some how it turns into their issues and I am helping them when I am the one who reached out for help. There is a lot of things that my “peeps” do not know about and I don’t know if I will ever get back to the place that I can feel safe again. Every time I start to feel safe another thing comes and hits me in the face. So if I stay to myself and just continue to pretend then I will not have to wait for the hit. I just live in the constant state of discomfort. At this this is familiar and I know how to deal with it. Might not be healthy but I have been doing it for 44 years so some how and some way it is working for me. I can’t let anyone else hurt me again, I do not know if I will survive another hurt.
I know I am not alone in this feeling and I know that I need to stop avoiding using this outlet because it really does help me. The problem is I feel vulnerable after I post. Today I reminded myself that I need to use this platform for myself and also to hopefully let other people know they are not alone. I keep trying to remind myself that tomorrow is another day, maybe things will be different tomorrow. Thanks for reading and understanding!