First day back to work after my break down a week and a half ago, or whatever you want to call it. I missed work in many ways but also came to realize work can’t be my everything. So I have made a few changes at work and have let go of some of my responsibilities and trusting things will be okay. This is going to take a little time to adjust to.
This last week has also had me thinking about my self-care and my lack of it outside of my crocheting. I have always been interested in photography so I am taking the steps to learn how to use my camera in something other then auto. I am looking forward to editing my photos and growing my abilities.
Things are a little better emotionally at work as my people removed many items that were my moms. One day I will be ready to have them around but not right now. This last week also made me realize it’s time for a change in my environment also. There are so many emotions connected to my house and while there are a lot of good ones, my mom died in this house and it’s time for a fresh start. I also want to love to a new city so my husband is closer to work allowing us more time together.
Changes are good and much needed to continue to grow in life. I am ready!
It has been over a week since I admitted to myself and others that I was not okay. Well let’s be really I was more then not okay. I was fucked up. I probably still am to a point, but not where I was last week. Don’t get me wrong I am still trying to figure out what is next. I am still trying to figure out how I make changes and find myself again. I am still doing the soul searching I need to do to figure out what I need and want out of this life. There are a few things I know, such as I know my marriage is solid and no matter how hard it is we will continue to make our lives together. I know I am committed to completing my doctorate program, because the work and learning are essential for me. These are the things I am certain of at this time.
My mom is dead, she is gone and I have realized that other then Jamie she is the one person who understood me. She could see my dreams and always knew how to remind me to live them and work for them. Even when my dreams were crazy and I found myself wondering if my dreams are even the right one. She always supported me.
There are things I still need to figure out. I think I need to move and get away from the place that I spent the last year of my mom’s life at. I think I need to leave the house where she took her last breath. I need a clean slate. I have wanted to live in Madison for awhile now but it has not worked out to this point. Maybe it’s time I work with Jamie and we find away to make it happen
As far was my work life, well I am stuck there. I think I still made the right decision, but did I really? I have no idea anymore. I do know that part of my problems with my work is that when mom was alive she was there. When she was in the office she was alive and it was easy to forget she was sick and dying. I had hopes that by now we would be making enough money to pay ourselves and all would be okay. Well that is not the case yet. I feel like I am letting my husband down, he is working so hard and so much to assure we can pay our bills. If I had stayed at my other job we would be doing great. We had all the money we needed then. I’m also sure that I have screwed things up in the business and that it’s my fault we are not making the money I thought we would be. So not only do I feel like I am letting my husband down, myself down, but also my partners and business manager.
Other then my work, school, and marriage I have nothing else. If I am not with my husband, at work, or doing stuff for school there is nothing else in my life. I sit at home and just keep pretending everything will be okay. I do not know how I am outside of these areas.
I think big changes need to happen. I think I need to figure out who I really am. I think I need to change this up drastically to see who I am again. I don’t know where to start or go from here but that is the next thing I plan to work on. At the end of it all I have to put myself first before anything and everyone. Stay tuned we will see what happens in the near future.
Today I started to feel more like myself. I and my husband cleaned the house. Sometimes it helps to change your perspective. I mean it’s always good to do that, but sometimes it actually helps to physically change your perspective. So with the help of my hubby I rearranged the living room. It felt like a fresh start.
I will say that Saturday was still a pretty rough day. My company was part of an event. I was not planning to attend but it was not certain that everyone would be showing up so again I stepped up and did what was needed even though it wasn’t needed by me.
It was just like every other day of putting myself together and putting the smile on my face and pretending all is good. Things have to change because I realize I can’t do this any longer. I need to make changes in my personal life and also in my business life or I fear next time I may not be able to protect myself.
I no longer can be or what to be the one that has it all together. I will be making a lot of changes to protect myself in all areas of life.
I will say that last Wednesday I hit a lone I never knew I would get to. I was suicidal and had a plan. I knew exactly how I was going to end the pain. Not sure why but my plan was botched by an unexpected text message.
I was planning on telling my ride that my husband was going to pick me up later and send him home. My plan was to take a bunch of meds and find a secluded place and just go to sleep. My husband texted me and said he was on his way to me. That was it our plan. I was suppose to get a ride from one of my partners. I tried to redirect him but he would not.
I have no idea why he changed the plan, but today I am glad he changed the course I was heading on. I have work to do but it’s a start and I know I will get there. One day at a time right now!
I have been spending so much time the last few months trying to pretend I am okay. I have shit everyone out and just suffered with my mental health and my desire to just give up on everything.
Today I had therapy and I went in person because I can’t avoid if I’m in the same room as her. During my session I completely broke down. I didn’t have a complete idea just how bad I was really doing. My therapist reminded me that I would use this as part of my therapy, and I needed to stop avoiding and use this coping skill.
It all became very clear I am not okay. Something has to give and she was going to force me to give or she was going to admit me for my safety. Sitting there I felt like so a failure. How can I have gotten to this point. I thought I was doing okay, I guess I was lying to myself also. Having to safety plan for my own safety was a very humbling experience. I know understand my clients on a different level.
Right now I am feeling so empty, nothing is making me happy or make me feel alive. Now I have got to this place that I hate. I am letting myself down, my husband, my partners, my business and right now I feel nothing. Right now I just don’t care. Right now I feel like I am a wasted space in my own body.
Having to call my husband and tell him what was going on was so hard. Then having to face my partners and admit I am so fucked up. I am at home and really I am just hating myself so much more. I going to do what I was told to do, but I hope at the end of it all I will feel like myself again. That’s all I have the energy for right now. I will do my best to use this for coping like I use to.
Do you ever get to a place where everything and anything just seems like to much work, takes too much energy. I have been in the place for awhile now. I think it started about the time I lost my mom. For a year I was her caregiver. Took her to appointments, drove her where she needed to go, and was always worried about when the time would come and I would lose her.
One thing I am really good at is making my life crazy so I can avoid all the shit I should not be avoiding. So when mom died I had my business, which takes a lot of my time, then I decided it was a good time to go back to school and work towards my doctorate. While these are great reasons they are just a symptom of the things I am avoiding. People like to ask me why I do so much and why I don’t like to ask for help. Well if I do not live in a state of chaos then I do not know how to survive. I survived my life because of the chaos I put myself into. If I am to busy to notice danger then I don’t have to be controlled by it.
Asking for help has always been a sign of weakness to me. No one helped me survive my life. I did that on my own so I don’t need anyone to help me now. I do this to the point that I ended up making myself sick or driving into a deep despair. Plus if I ask for help the voices that tell me I am nothing and will never be anything are right and I can’t let them be right. Logically I get that they are not right, but if it was just about being logical I would be fine but it is not.
I find I am doing a lot of hiding in many areas of my life. I have amazing supports and friends, but I have stopped talking to them. Well, not like stopped stopped, but I do not talk about my fears, anger, or rejection anymore. There is a lot of time I feel judged or worse that when I do talk to someone, some how it turns into their issues and I am helping them when I am the one who reached out for help. There is a lot of things that my “peeps” do not know about and I don’t know if I will ever get back to the place that I can feel safe again. Every time I start to feel safe another thing comes and hits me in the face. So if I stay to myself and just continue to pretend then I will not have to wait for the hit. I just live in the constant state of discomfort. At this this is familiar and I know how to deal with it. Might not be healthy but I have been doing it for 44 years so some how and some way it is working for me. I can’t let anyone else hurt me again, I do not know if I will survive another hurt.
I know I am not alone in this feeling and I know that I need to stop avoiding using this outlet because it really does help me. The problem is I feel vulnerable after I post. Today I reminded myself that I need to use this platform for myself and also to hopefully let other people know they are not alone. I keep trying to remind myself that tomorrow is another day, maybe things will be different tomorrow. Thanks for reading and understanding!
It’s been two months since I saw your eyes.
It’s been two months since I heard your voice
It’s been two months since your last hug
It’s been two months since the last I love you
It’s been two months since I heard your laughter
It’s been two months since I saw your smile.
It’s been two months since you called me Jennie Raye
It’s been two months since I last heard you were proud of me
But worst of all in 3 days it will be two months since you left me.
It’s been two months and it is still hard
It’s been two months of signs that you are still with me
It’s been two months, but I have years to come without you
It’s been two months and I still struggle to believe you are gone
It’s been two months and I still say I love you everyday.
Love you Mom
I don’t know what or where I belong anymore. I am so lonely and have lost so much in the last few months. I have lost my mom and continue to struggle with who I am or what I do next. It was one lose but I keep losing more of the things that use mean something to me.
When I was taking care of my mom my life had purpose. Now that she is gone I sit in my house without any idea what comes next. I have an amazing husband, who works so hard to keep our heads above water. He loves me is always there for me. While I always want to be with my husband, I miss the people who I use to talk to and spend time together. People I use to count on and lean on are not longer available to me.
The one person outside of my husband who I use to be close to and talk to is no longer someone there for me. I sit in my house alone and have no one to talk to anymore. Everything changes so quickly. The last two months have sucked and there is no end in sight. I’m right back to being alone and I need to find away to go back to being okay to that.
Maybe I need to make a big change in my life. Maybe I need to make a drastic change that will throw my world out of balance again and that may be the one thing that makes my life okay again. First I need to figure out how to be okay just being my husband and I alone again. This way I never have to go through the disappointment again.
I find myself asking this question a lot in my life. It would be nice to have to think about what happens next. I do though and have to have a plan for anything that could come up. If I don’t plan I can prepare and if I can’t prepare my world will spin out of control. I should say out of my control. This is pretty fun to me when I writer this, because anytime I have had a plan for anything the world looks and my and laughs and it is time to just figure it out on the fly. Which of course I do every time. I am strong and stubborn to not make things work.
Let’s look at a few things that have been out of my control. I never thought I would lose my mom as quickly as I did. I had plans and I was determined that these plans would happen so I could make one more memory. This all changed on Good Friday which started with my mom waking screaming in pain. The cancer had ate at her femur and when she got up the bone could no longer support her and it snapped. This is the start of the end. She had surgery on her leg and did very well. I got to take her home the Wednesday after Good Friday. We had great day together on Thursday and she was doing great. An hour after I went to bed I was woke by her hitting my bedroom wall to wake me. In just a few hours my mom went from being able to talk and communicate to not being able to understand her. That Friday when she was home from the hospital because we knew the end was near, we got one last gift from mom. She reached out and hugged all the people she loved and wanted with her. This was the last time she had her eyes open.
Another look at how crazy I can get sometimes. I opened my own business last year with 2 partners. I have spent a lot of time worrying that I would not be good enough and I would be voted out of the business I worked so hard for. There has never been any indication that anyone has even thought about that, but since I am always waiting for the next issue I had become paranoid about this. Over the last few weeks I have been working on looking at what I have done in my life. I need to stop worrying about something that may never happened, but at the end of the day it would be okay because I did it once I can do it again. I would never stop living this dream. Just might look a little different.
So much has changed in the last 2 months and I am waiting for the next roller coster. I worry that this time it may be my marriage. My husband and I are struggling to connect again and figure out how to move forward in life right now. He works a lot, most of my time is spent at the business, and for the last year I have been a caregiver. I am not sure what is next or how to figure out how to hold on to the things and people I have in my life.
I continue to cut myself off from people. My people reach out to make plans and in the moment I agree to the plans, but when the day actually comes I can’t even make myself leave the house. I try not to confide in people because then I have to be vulnerable all over again. Some of these people seen me at my worst, and I know they did not judge but I let my guard down and that is the worst thing for me. I get up and leave my house and put the smile on my face and people think I am doing okay. By the end of the day when I get home I am so exhausted from pretending I sit on the couch and do nothing until I can go to bed. Do you ever wonder just how long you can continue to pretend before the weight of it just does you in. I am broken and I can’t figure out how to put me back together again. Maybe I am not suppose too. Maybe I did everything I was suppose to in this life and now it’s just about pretending and hanging on. I guess time will tell. For now I will keep asking myself the question, what happens next?
This has been a rough couple of months. I lost my mom April 12 and really was not prepared for it. While I knew it would be sometime in the near future due the cancer, I did not expect it to happen in a few short hours. At 11:30 Thursday I was. woke to my mom hitting the wall to get my attention. I got up and went to see if she was okay. She was struggling to breath and had already tried a breathing treatment. I made the call to hospice to have them come and see her. When the nurse arrived she asked mom if she wanted to go to the ER and see if they can manage the breathing. My mom decided to do that so an ambulance was called. We got to the ER and were there for about 5 hours. I watched my mom’s blood pressure fall every time they took her vitals. Her communication became harder and harder to understand. I finally pulled the doctor aside and asked him if this was it. He told me it was, and I told him he needs to explain that to her as she wants to die at home. He went in and talked to her and she decided to go home. They had an ambulance come and help me get her home. I called my brother and husband first to get them moving towards home. All of Friday my mom was not able to talk, but she would smile and giggle if anyone would say anything to her.
Later that night when it was just myself, my husband, my brother, and two friends she reached out for hugs from all of us and that was the last time she opened her eyes. My mom was always a strong amazing woman and she was letting us know she would be going out on her terms. On Saturday night her breathing declined to about 4 breaths a minute and we wrapped ourselves around her chair so she would not be alone. She decided that Saturday was not the day. Her breathing came back up, but she still was no longer responding to us. On Monday morning we all woke up and she appeared to be doing worse so we all gathered around her. AT 9 am my dog let out a huge cry and my mom took her last breath, again on her terms.
I did not handle her death very well. I ended up taking a pill for my anxiety and then started to drink. My drink of choice is always tequila. I am embarrassed to admit, that once they took my mom out of the house I got wasted and do not remember the rest of that day. I also was told my family was very worried about my state of mind due to comments I made.
I am so thankful for the last year I got with her and would not trade that for anything. I do still wish i could hear her voice one last time. I love you mom.
I’m trying to figure out how to move forward and live with the knowledge that nothing will be the same again. I’m not sure things can ever be the same again. How does one learn to trust again? It’s even harder due to my trauma to find a way to trust again.
Want to know the hardest thing? The hardest part is my trust isn’t just gone with the person that broke my trust, but now I don’t feel safe with anyone, I don’t trust anyone.
I keep trying to process everything and normally I can work through things with writing. I feel like my writing is only making the process worse. Not sure how that is even possible but here I am.
Maybe trust is just an illusion. we go through life looking for connections and love, but In just an instant it’s all gone. I think the worse part of this is someone who you told a lot to and processed with is no longer available to be that person anymore. Even though that person still wants to be, but sadly probably will likely never be again. Need to figure out how to let others in again. Sorry this post is just a rambling mess, but that’s my head right now a mess.
My life has been crazy for the last few weeks. This is how I normally process, but I have been avoiding and trying to push everything down again. My therapist told me to get back on here because it has helped so much in the past.
On April 12 I lost my amazing mom to pancreatic cancer. It happened suddenly the week before her femur snapped due to the cancer spreading. I brought her home on a Wednesday and had a great day with her on Thursday. I went to bed that night and happened to forget my phone because I had been keeping it close for her to get me in the middle of the night. Thursday night she ended up having to bang on the wall to get my attention. I came out to her and saw she was struggling to breathe so I helped her do a breathing treatment and called her hospice worker. When the worker got there it was decided we would take her to the ER to figure out what was going on. In a very short time I watch my mom struggle to be able to talk, stay awake, or move. As I sat there watching the monitor I watched her blood pressure slowly decreasing. I decided at that time to call my brother so he could get here in time. The ER wanted to admit her but mom repeatedly told me she wanted to be at home. She really was not able to make any decision anymore at that time. I told the doctor it was time for me to take her home. The paramedics where amazing and helped me to get my mom into the house and into her chair so she would be comfortable.
Many of her brothers and sisters came down to see her and say goodbye. I was happy when everyone left and it was just mom, me, my husband, and my brother with mom. She was always a tough chick and she was not going until unless it was on her terms. On Saturday night we are all with her and her breathing slowed down to 4 breaths a minute and we thought the time was there. We held her hand and played her favorite music. She decided Saturday was not the day and her breathing came back to her baseline. We continued to keep her medicated so she would not be in any pain. On Monday morning everything felt different. My dog who had been trying every minute to get in grandma’s lap, suddenly sat down in front the chair and gave out one little whine. My mom took her last breath in that moment. This was the worst moment of my life. I proceeded to get very drunk and blacking out and thankfully my amazing support people were there for me and helped myself and my family.
I really did not have time to process before I was again sent into an emotionally stressful hurtful day. April 29 was my mom’s birthday then not to much later was mothers day. You would think this would be enough for anyone to deal with. However, that is not how my life tends to go. I learned my husband had a relapse, a friend relapsed, my husband’s truck engine needs to be replaced. All of this has to be handled with the grief because I have a business and my business is to help people and provide them good quality therapy. I struggled to stay on top of everything. I am still struggling to stay on top of everything. My husband has started treatment for his relapse and I know that if he is doing that we will be okay.
Couple of weeks ago now, I woke to some disturbing and scary messages from a friend. I learned that this friend just up and left and no one knew where. I was able to reach out to my friend’s significant other and get into the house. That is when we all learned that this friend had been lying to us for a long time. We ended up calling the police as we were worried for my friend’s safety. The police were able to find my friend and deemed that this friend was safe. The next day, this friend decided to come home and get help. Went inpatient for a bit and came home Wednesday. I am very angry and hurt by this situation. I get it, this is a disease but that is not where the anger is coming from completely. I had wrote a letter and shared it when my friend was released. I feel that the friendship will never be the same again. I have also seen over the last couple of weeks that this friend and significant other do not agree with the persons friendship with me. I have decided to walk away and hope that my friend continues to get the help needed. I feel like I have lost another important person in my life again. I feel myself shutting off from everyone except my husband because one thing I have been able to count on for 23 years is that he will be there at the end of the night and I will be safe.
Having supports in your life is very important but I have also learned that I should not have any expectation of what this will look like. I don’t know that I can continue to have these people around me and look at all of them waiting to prove me right and let me down as everyone always has. I wish there was an answer. For now I plan to protect me.
This week has been very difficult. On Friday in woke to my mom screaming in pain. U bolted to her and she told me she hear a loud pop in her leg. I tried to move her and she just screamed. I had to call an ambulance and watch my mom in so much pain while they did everything they could to get her into the ambulance without making everything worse for her. We learned that the cancer has moved into her leg and weakened her bones causing the break. She went in for surgery on Saturday. It had been a long painful process for her but she is on the mend which is good. She finally came home yesterday day is getting stronger every day. Well as strong as she will get with cancer eating away at her body. I hate watching her go through all this.
Then on top of all this I have been feeling so inadequate in my marriage. I’m so exhausted and best down that when I get home I really just go through the motions. It’s not fair to my husband but I’m not sure how to make things better right now.
I have been struggling with work also. I am not sure why I am so fearful about work. I am so paranoid that I sit here all day wondering if today is the day I’m out. Logically I know that probably isn’t the case but you know sometimes logic goes right out the window. I feel so alone and struggle to trust anyone. I can’t even talk about it with anyone because then I am a horrible person. Sometimes I just need to talk but again jennie needs to be strong and not have any negative thoughts. So what do I do so I don’t make anyone bad or hurt or question me. Yes I know what to do. I always know what I need to do. Just tried of having to pretend but I will keep it to myself. I will go it alone. Do what I need to do and block out everything and everyone but those I am responsible for. I’m so tired of being lonely. Screw it!
PTSD can make you feel alone in a room full of people. PTSD makes you think that those around you are not to be trusted. PTSD makes you question everything and everyone, even those who you shouldn’t. PTSD can make a person paranoid over the smallest things. This is something I still struggle with and hate about myself.
Mix PTSD with insecurities and dreams can make things a nightmare. I keep having this dream over and over has been happening for about 2 weeks now. This dream plays out every night in the same way. First a little background, in August of last year I opened a private practice with 3 other partners. I left my good paying county job. In November things started to go down hill and fast. One of the partners ended up learning the practice. Now I am running the business with my other two partners. For the last year this business has been a labor of love. I have worked so hard to assure that we were opening our doors and doing everything right so as not to make any huge mistakes. Things are really starting to come together. We have clients coming in every week, we just got approved for our state licensing for substance treatment. Things are in the best play they can be considering we are only 7 months into the business. So now here comes the problem. With the other partner who left the business she was pushed out at the end of the day. We had to do this to assure that the business survived. It was not an easy thing for me as I was friends with her for many years and of course that has all ended.
So now back to the dream. I keep dreaming that once everything is working and running smoothly. This would be our certification, billing, and clients coming in regularly I will be pushed out of the business. Once I have put all of myself into this I have nothing left to show for it. This dream and my increased PTSD symptoms have made it very hard for me at work. I do not trust those around me. I listen for the whispering that I fear is happening. I worry about the conversations being had when I am not here to hear them. I find myself holding back a lot of parts of me and pretending all is well. I do not feel that all is well. I feel like time is ticking and just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Let me be clear about one thing. I am not crazy but I am very insecure and do not trust well. I like to tell others I trust them, because seriously that is what people always expect and want to hear. There are days when I am so exhausted or overwhelmed and things slip out to those around me. When this happens I belittle myself and hate that I let any vulnerability show. I try never to let on to others how bad things really are for me right now. I hurt every day watching my mom slowly slip away from the fucking cancer. I can’t control this and it kills me. Control is the only way I know how to survive. Yes it does get exhausting but this way I know I am safe and do not have to count on anyone. I find it so funny when I talk to my therapist and she reminds me that I need to slow down and take care of me. Yea okay! When is there time to do that, I am a wife, daughter, business owner, therapist, and caregiver. Oh ya and I am also in school to improve myself for my business. The only way I know I am living and surviving is by doing everything in my power to take care of everything around me. Once I loss that control my life will forever be changed and it will go spinning off the rails without me being able to bring it back to steady.
Everyday I think about the day to come and I wonder to myself how different the world would be if I just walked away and found a deserted beach somewhere. I know the world would continue on and probably not even realize that I am gone from the day to day. Maybe all the responsibility is just to much for me at this time. Maybe I am just to much for me at this time. I also know that tomorrow morning is a new day and I will wake up and continue being the person I need to be. At least here I can be real and know it does not matter at the end of the day.
Sometimes the universe just give you the big fuck you all at once. That is what it feels like right now. Its stupid where my head is going but I just can’t stop it. I wrote a blog last night about my abuser dying. My first reaction was I hope the asshole suffered. Then I felt guilty for saying and thinking that. Why should I feel guilty for hoping he suffered my life has never been the same and I have worked so hard to take back all the hurt and suffering I had to deal with because of him. Why can’t i hope for some suffering right now. This is not where it ended though and I decided to go look at his obituary, well that was the stupidest thing I did. I ready it and my brother was listed in the obituary. Yes I get he was his biological son, but that man had adopted me at the age of 5. My brother and I both were adopted by my mom’s 3rd husband. After everything I dealt with why was not I listed at a survive. These were my thoughts. Then I belittled myself because why would I want to be listed as his child. He was never a father to me. Shit I never had a real father in my life. I wouldn’t know a real father if he bit me in the ass. The man will rot in hell so why do I can, but do I need to be recognized? I am still so fucked up!
Then this morning a get a message from a friend who also has PCOS and she wants to have another baby and her husband does not. Talking to her brought all the feelings right back to me, and again I tell myself you did not deserve a baby thats why you did not get to have one. She told me it’s so hard seeing all my friends posting about being pregnant and then not being able to. She felt bad after saying this because she knows the struggles I have went thought. She actually said she was sorry, I told her never be sorry for being allowed to have that precious baby. It was just today on top of everything else it was just one more thing that twisted that knife. I just want to find a hole and burry myself in it for a little while until this all goes away. But will it ever really go away? Sorry for rant.
Today I had a great day. It was busy at work and things continue to improve in that area. My mom continues to come to the office and do her best to help out myself and the business. Then it’s time to go home and things changed quickly.
My mom got a call from my brother. His biological father died over the weekend. At first all I could think was good I hope he suffered. This man made my life hell. This was my first abuser. He is where my life went off the rails for so long. So why did I feel the need to google and find his obituary. What did I think would come out of that. First thing I saw was his picture, and it sends me to a dark place. Then I continue to read farther big mistake!
You see when I was a child this man adopted me and while I am glad I no longer carry his name; it was hard to see that my brother was listed but I was not. My mom’s third husband adopted my brother and I both and never had any contact with him again on my part. I know my brother did, but I don’t know why I give a fuck that I was not listed. How does this asshole still have any power of me? I feel so weak and ridiculous to even care. When will that end. I fear going to sleep tonight because I know I have been triggered and will have a nightmare. Sometimes it works be easier to just give up!