Trauma what it does to someone!

If you have ever faced a trauma that has stopped you in your tracks then you will probably understand me and my feelings to some point as everyone faces life different. More and more I am learning how my trauma has shaped my life and in most ways I am happy with the person I am today, but I am also seeing a lot of pieces of myself I am not happy with. Life most people I want to be that good well rounded person but I am falling short. When I say I am falling short these are my words no alone else. The person I would like to be is the person I pretend to be and hide from the world. I can’t allow anyone to sees what is under my pretend outside projections. I want to be the person who has it all together, but if I am being truthful I am the person who second guesses herself at every turn. I look at people in my life and think these people are only there because I pretend to be nice and helpful and strong. However the truth is I am lonely, self-conscious, envious, person who does not know how much longer she can continue to not feel like enough. My time in therapy has been the saving grace in my life because I am not sure where I would be today without the work I have already put in. Every time I go I see more truth in my thoughts and realize I am not a person anyone should want to put themself into my life. I always remind myself that is why I am working so hard on my trauma so when I get to the other side I can try and be the person I truly want to be. Lately I have been having more flashbacks and dreams. The other night my husband and I went to bed together and in the middle of the night I find myself standing in my dinning room calling for my husband because I thought he was gone. The truth is he was in bed where I just was but my nightmare made me feel like he was gone and finally done dealing with all of my issues. I long to feel less alone in my world and long for my trauma to stop defining my life. Thank you for reading my blog I have been finding this process very freeing for me. I am no longer allowing myself to keep everything in. This blog is important to my recovery from a life of trauma.

Isolation…

I am still in that space where I want to be left alone. I can hear my therapist telling me that if I do I am giving up on my power. I give and pretend a lot and that can be exhausting. When I am at home it’s me just me. At home I don’t have to pretend even if my husband is home because he understands who I am. Even the smallest change from my routine sends me in a spiral.

I have also been having more flashbacks and some nightmares. I am not sure what the triggers are lately other then my mood. The flashbacks are debilitating at times. My husband is the only one can make me feel safe and lately he has been working later which does not help me. How can I ask him to give to me when he is so tried himself. Whatever this episode is I hope I work through it soon because I am not sure how much more I will be able to handle at this point….

Long week but I made it.

It is finally Friday and I am starting to feel more like myself than I have in a long time.  I have learned that my last Cushing’s test has come back negative.   My doctor is now consulting with a specialist to see if there are more tests that need to be ran.  She has also decided to go back and do more testing for my PCOS.  I was diagnosed years ago for PCOS without having any testing done. I am hoping that if we learn more about my PCOS there may be some options to help with some of my symptoms.  It is frustrating not know where I am going next but I know this is a process and I have to be patient.  It helped having therapy and talking about the issues and feelings I have been having lately.  My last session left me raw and vulnerable but has helped me move forward.  It is amazing to me that I still do not realize just how much my trauma continues to affect my life.  I truly understand now that the studies are correct we stunt in our personality development at the age abuse started.  I can start to see my adolescent side come out at times and fighting to take control as a means to protect myself.  That is why this blog has become so important to me.  This is a place that I can truly process my thoughts and feelings when I am triggered.  This is the way I can take my power back when I feel powerless. 

Nothing left to give!

Today I had therapy which always does me a lot of good. Today’s session was intense. By the end I was mentally exhausted and did not have anything to give anyone. I kept to myself at work and did my best to get through the day without offending anyone. It is hard to make it through the day trying to keep it all together and now that I am home I no longer have to pretend I can just be. At least my husband is home and he always calms me and allows me to just recharge. I do hope that I will soon figure out what is causing this feeling of dread and not belonging. I want to enjoy life and my friends again. At this point I don’t know that I will have friends left but I can’t worry about that.

After my therapy I do realize that part of the problem is I am feeling vulnerable and loss of control which is probably causing me to push everyone away before they chose to leave. Because of my trauma I still struggle to keep people close without pushing them away because I know it is a matter of time before someone realizes that I am a broken person who can never be available 100%. It is also a matter of time before the next person takes advantage. Sometimes it is just easier to be alone and go to work help those who need help and then go home. I am working hard to move past this feeling but I know I have to be patient with myself. I will continue to pretend until I don’t have to anymore…

Good intentions…

Well I wanted to start this week by handling myself better but I just can’t shack this mood. I just don’t want to deal with anyone and this includes the people who are always there to support me. I decided that a missed therapy session was a big mistake so I called and my therapist is going to squeeze me in first thing in the morning. I hope after talking to her I can figure out what is going on with me. I did call my best friend on my way home and I knew she would understand. She knows what to say and do to make me realize I am not crazy and that the way I am feeling is ok. She centers me almost as well as my husband. I sure hope my session helps tomorrow. I want to get back to writing my story on my blog not continue to feel sorry for myself.

New Week!

This weekend I took a lot of extra time for self-care. I went and got my hair done new cut and fun color. My husband took me to get my nails done since the accident I got in derailed my plan to get them done on Friday. The best part of the weekend was all the quality time I got with my husband. He works so hard and at times we don’t get enough time for us but this weekend was great. I am still not myself but I feel ready to deal with a new week. No matter how I feel this week I am going to fake it until I make it. Stay tuned tomorrow I will be getting my test results and hope to finally have some answers!

Need to pull myself up!

The last few weeks have been hard for me, which has been apparent in my posts. I am stronger then the person I have been lately. I need to find away to remember that strength and live my life again. I think I have been feeling sorry for myself and being a victim. I never want to be a victim. I hate that word because it has been a label pinned on me by others. I am not a victim but a survivor who needs to remember she survived! I have been having more nightmares and flashbacks lately. Sometimes it is hard to decide which abusive person was worse. Most of the nightmares have been about the abuse I dealt with in my teen years. Until the last few months I never connected grooming to my situation. For many years I was groomed by my abuser to be made to believe that what was happening was a relationship and that is was ok. This person was charming and everyone loved this person, so I was able to be manipulated into believing I was in a relationship that was good. I was a teenager who is easy to manicure and control. There were many many times where I tried to get out of the situation, but I was a kid and being ignore and not being talked to was worse. I am able to write about this today only because of the work I have been doing in my therapy. Until this year I had told NO one about this situation because I feared people would blame me and ask what I did to encourage the abuse. After being married for 20 years I found the courage to tell my husband. I was so afraid to tell him because I didn’t want to see the love in his eyes change to horror. I didn’t want him to see me differently and feared he would no longer be interested or attracted to me. Of course this didn’t happen he was amazing and special and did everything right. I know this post went way off course but for me it didn’t. It’s a reminder that I did SURVIVE and will continue to survive. I own my happiness, my abusers don’t get to keep their power. I know I have to be patient with myself and the struggles today will be a memory in the near future.

I just don’t understand..

Day after day for the last few weeks i do not feel like myself.  I am a mental health professional I should be able to figure it out but I just can’t.  I am not enjoying life as I use to.  I am isolating myself from my amazing friends and can’t figure out why.  Have you ever had that feeling of just not feeling like you belong anywhere but can’t place why?

I feel like an outcast in my own circle but I know this is my issue not anyone elses.  I just want to feel loved and wanted but I have to give that to myself and I just don’t know how anymore.  I find myself falling into my old patterns and I have not been that person for a long time.  I don’t know if it is all the medical things going on or the stress of my job, but I have always been able to deal with my stress from work.  I don’t know I just wish I could figure things out.  At least it is Friday and the week is almost over.  Hopefully things will get better soonl. 

Out of sorts.

I am not sure what has been going on with me lately. I am struggling to figure out where I belong. I have amazing friends who are always there for me but lately I don’t feel like being around people. I am sure with everything going on with my job and my health that is a part of the problem. If you have ever worked for a program for a few years and built friends with your coworkers and then took the supervisor position it’s hard to figure out to make it all work.

I have always been that person to never feels good enough. I convince myself a lot that the people in my life are there out of sympathy. Logically I know this is probably not true but growing up being molested it really kills your ability to not look at everyone in your life and wondering what they will want from me eventually. I continue to work on this in therapy but I worry I will never feel secure in my relationship or in my ability to nurture a relationship. Oh well I will continue faking it until I make it. I missed therapy today and apparently I needed it this week. This has been a great way to process my thoughts.

Let the fun continue…

My journey continues starting tomorrow morning. Since I have had two positive saliva test and one negative blood test the doctor wants another type of test. So I have taken tomorrow off of work to do a 24 hour urine collection. All day I will have to pee and collect it and deliver it for testing on Wednesday morning. My hope is this will be enough testing to have some answers. One positive of being off tomorrow is so is my husband it will be nice to have the day with him. There never seems to be enough time for us lately. Well I will continue to update as I learn more…

Mentally Exhausted!

Today I wake up feeling like this journey is not going to end the way I hope it would.  I know most people do not wish to learn they have a pshycial health condition, but I really wish to have Cushing’s and here is why.  It would mean that my life would change drastically and I would finally feel like a human.  It would mean that I finally have answers and not just questions.  At least my doctor is not stopping with the last test.  Now I get to complete a really fun test called the 24 hour urine sample.  Yes you read that right 24 hours of collecting my urine so one more test can be ran.  I am not looking forward to this at all.  Men have no idea how easy they have it when it comes to a urine same. 🙂  I plan to continue searching for answers and hope one day I will know what is happening and how to fix it.  I have never been very good at being patient, but this is out of my hands so we will see what comes.

Roller Coaster Continues

Just when I think things are becoming clearer I find out that is not the case.  So I have taken to saliva test to check my cortisol levels and they  both came back positive for Cushing’s Disease.  Last night I had to take a steroid at midnight.  Then I had to get a blood draw this morning at 8 am.  This was suppose to be the end of the tests, but again the roller coaster of my life continues.  This blood test came back normal.  I don’t get it but now I have to do another test because before I can be diagnosed with Cushing’s I have to have 2 abnormal tests that are from two different type of testing.  So now I get to have the fun part of doing a 24 hour urine test.  I have no idea what this is going to be like.  My doctor is gone for the day now so I will have to wait for tomorrow to start the next step.  I am so frustrated right now and just want to have an answer so I can move forward.  I should be use to things not being easy because my whole life has been one test after another.  So stay tuned hopefully there will be real answers soon!

Results 2

As you can see this blog is not going to flow from day to day.  Today the lab results came back for my second cortisol test.  I am not sure if I mentioned before that they do the same test twice because it is possible to have a false positive.  So a week after the first test I submitted a second test.

Today the results and a note from my doctor came through on mychart.  The second test has come back positive.  The doctor left a note to update me on the next step.  I will be put on a steroid that I will take one night and the next day I would go in and have a blood test.  This will be the final test to answer the question if I have Cushing’s Disease. For me I have excepted that since two have come back I am pretty sure the 3rd test will also come back.  I have been doing a lot of research and I am ready to get started on the treatment.  I am excited to see how much my life changes for the better.  While I am still extremely upset that I have suffered for so long and missed out on amazing adventures, I am ready to feel human and get to enjoying my life without all the symptoms I thought I would be stuck with. PCOS was something I always knew I would have to deal with and lose out on a lot of experiences, but I never thought about the fact I may have been misdiagnosed.    Stay tuned I am not done writing about my adventure and I have more to tell about my trauma and survival

Time to go backwards

I decided when I started this blog I was going to be completely open with myself and my story.  I need a reminder that I am who I am because of the things I had to endure in my life.  That being said as you follow my story it may take time before you understand why I started this blog in the present and some content might be hard for people to read.

Has there been a time in your life where you do not have a lot of memories, such as in your childhood.  This is something I struggle with I do not remember much of my childhood, don’t get me wrong its not that I have no memory of it but I have a hard time with any recall.  Since starting therapy I realize this is how I have been able to deal with my trauma. I am just going to jump right in or I might now be able to put this into words.  Starting at the age of 7 years old my mom’s second husband molested me.  It is around this time that my childhood memories become few and far between.  Our mind is amazing in its capacity to protect our self, but unfortunately it does not just suppress the bad memories.  The hardest part of not remembering much is it feels to me that there was never any happy moments but I know that cannot be true. 

There was years of abuse during this time and like most victims of molestation I dealt with it on my own.  I have had questions asked by people, such as why did you not just tell you mom or someone at school.  God if only it was that easy.  My abuser, same as anyone’s abuser knew how to keep me quiet.  I have a little brother and a mom that I loved and I did not want them to get hurt.  I was just a child but to me it was my job and my fault so I need to protect them.  The abuse continued until I was 12 years old.  When I was 12 years old my mom divorced my abuser and since I was not his biological child he did not make much effort to have visitation with me.  Thank God!!  Since that day my mom took us out of that house I was able to put my abuse deep down and make it a memory so buried that there was days I could convivence myself it was all in my imagination.   Sorry that is it for tonight.

Lab Results.

I know most people are familiar with the new mychart system that most clinics now use. This technology is a blessing and a curse. Lab results get posted before your doctor has time to call and explain the results. Well this happened to me, my results posted and it showed that my cortisol levels were completely out of the normal range. Normal range is less then .112 and mine is at .180. The report states Cushings Disease. Of course I am now in a panic because I have never even heard of this condition before. The worse thing to do is the first thing I did. Yup I went right to google and learned this is a rare condition and goes undetected. I sent an email immediately to my doctor and asked what was next. Her nurse called me and said the next step is to retake the test because sometimes false positives happen. Of course I wanted to redo it that night. I left work early to pick up my test kit so I can do the test once again at midnight. The next day I took and dropped off the sample and now I wait again. I find myself stalking my email waiting for that email that tells me the results are in. Here it is Saturday morning and no results yet… I am sure that it will be Monday before the results are posted. During this time what am I doing, you got it I am googling like crazy every free moment I have. For most people this might not be a huge deal but this test could make everything about my life could have been completely different and I find myself triggered back to my past. Tomorrow I will backwards and provide the start of my story..,