It doesn’t seem to matter how much effort and time I put into my trauma treatment. It does to take much for it all to come crashing back down on me. The last few weeks have been pretty stressful with a lot of changes in my business life. Since everything started I have not been sleeping. The reason I am not sleeping is because when I being stressed it increases my anxiety. When my anxiety increases the nightmares come back stronger then ever. There are times when i feel like I am right back in that world. Every night I feel like I am being raped over and over again. That part is not even the worse part. The physical pain from the rapes are so much easier then hearing the voice again and again saying the same thing over and over again. “NO one will ever want you! No one will except you and take care of you the way I do.” “I mean look at you, you are so broken no one would ever take the time to try and find you’.
It still takes my breath away every time I hear those words. I use to hear those words in person while he raped me, but nothing compares to hearing them now. Nothing compares to the power those words still have over me. He has been dead for over 20 years and I still close my eyes and hold by breath waiting for the door to open. I am married to an amazing man and I still lay next to him waiting for the nightmare to start and feeling the intense fear just like it was over 20 years ago.
I still hate myself and think I am weak. Why did I let this person control me so much that I did not see what was going on until I was free. How could I be old enough to realize it was wrong but I did not stop it. What kind of person allows themselves to do something that was so wrong and not stop it. I was molested for years and I have been able to move past that, but I can’t let go of the abuse that comes with grooming. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the nightmares before I break (no I do not plan to hurt myself). How much can one person survive and still be able to manage being a decent person in life. I feel so lost, angry, hurt, an broken and I hate that I feel this way. He is dead why am I still suffering. Well that is easy I am just continuing what was started and do not know how to stop it. Please I need peace and I need to feel whole for the first time in my life.
This year just continues to be a kick in the ass! I am so over everything. This was suppose to be a great year minus a few challenges. It has been anything but.
Let’s not even talk about the obvious issues with COVID and the other issues society is facing. That should be enough but of course it isn’t the end of the things that have continued to suck this year.
February my mom comes home we find out she has stage 4 cancer. She starts treatment feels like crap and just recently stopped all treatment. She is feeling better but of course that will just be temporary.
Then with my mom being sick this opens up flood gates I had worked hard to keep closed. So many family relationships being forced back into my life. I kept them out for a reason but like had different ideas.
One good thing came from all of this and my brother and I are civil to each other and hopefully this continues. I got to meet my niece and nephew who are amazing!
Then I learned a friend has been lying to me for months and this causes me to worry about trust and openness within this friendship. I hope that this are going down the right path but I have to be honest with myself I have no idea if they are. I fear that the lies are continuing and I know this could make things worse if the lies continue.
Then the biggest change of all was leaving my county job and following my dream of opening my own practice. This has been a huge labor of love, fear, panic, and more recently anger. I should have though things through more and considered my options.
Now I have my amazing business and I am so excited to see where it goes, but I have come to realize that not everyone has the same views as I do about the business. I feel that some feel that this business is just going to be there to give them the time they want to do whatever without any effort and want to get the rewards that come with that. Now I fear that my stupid inability to recognize that some people are just not trust worthy or do not have the same drive as me will cost me everything I have been busting my ass for.
Just one more reminder that I was better off isolated and alone. At least then the only one who could hurt me was me. Trust is hard to give and I have given it to the wrong person again. This time I could cost me even more then my dignity!
If you asked me a year ago how my life would be different I would never have guess where I am today. I worked at a job that left me with no motivation, no excitement, and a lot of stress. I imagined myself in this job until I retired. Well that is not where I am now lol. I also think back on the people who were in my life a year ago and reflect on how much that had even changed. I use to think of myself as a pretty strong person who did not allow people to lead me blindly. Many people have left my life, a few have stated, and recently I connected with someone from my past who was so important to me and I allowed this person to be pushed out of my life by people who were not good for me. I also look back at this year and cringe because I almost gave up on my marriage!
Over the last year so much has changed. My husband and I worked out asses off to do the hard work of building our relationship back stronger and better then ever. We have been together for 22 years and it could have been so easy for us both to say fuck it we are done. Thank goodness we didn’t. We worked hard, cried, fought, pushed past the hurt and found each other again.
I left that dead end job and followed my dreams. I forgot about my dreams for so long! It took my mom moving back home and learning she had cancer to make me realize I was not happy! While I wish my mom was not dying I can’t change that, but I can honor her by remembering that life is short and to take it all in and do what makes mr happy! I am thankful for this time I get with her to make memories with her so when she is gone I will never regret a moment and have those memories to help me every day.
Leaving my dead end job led me to following my dream of starting my own practice! I opened my business with some amazing friends and while we are struggling right now at the end of the day it’s all worth it!
I also over the last year lost people who I thought were my friends but at the end of the day they just sucked the life out of me. Letting go of that circle and holding on to my core support was much better for me. I have some pretty amazing people who stand with me and when I need it they hold me up. I do the same for them when they need me!
This year has also taught me that I allowed important relationships and because of the toxic people in my life. I have had to humble myself and reach out and ask forgiveness. Believe me when I say that was the hardest thing to do. I have done a lot of soul searching and growing with myself. Reflections are not easy and no one wants to think they did someone wrong. I took a chance and reached out knowing there was a good chance the door would be slammed in my face. Lucky for me I was able to admitted I fucked up and said I was sorry and I was forgiven. That was only the start I had to confess some big mistakes. This person opened her arms to me and gave me the best gift, forgiveness!
So as hard as 2020 has been many great things have come out of this year and I am so grateful!! I love you Stacey!!
This week has been a little rough. I have found myself second guessing myself and my goals. Starting a business has been a roller coaster or a ride. Many days I am excited and loving where my life is heading. Then other days I just want to burry my head in the sand and pretend the world does not exist. Most days I can get up put a smile on my face and get through the day without anyone realizing where I am mentally. Other days its apparent I suck! I will say that I have some amazing partners taking this journey with me, and when I am not able to stop myself from over doing things they are not afraid to tell me enough is enough. I appreciate this a lot but on the other hand I hate that I have showed any weakness. I spent most of my life being weak and I don’t ever want to feel that way again.
While things are hard right now with the business and no money coming in I keep reminding myself that this is part of the process and I know things will change in time. We have only been open for 2 months and at this point I feel like we are doing okay. At the end of the day the stress and the struggle with make me appreciate the business even more when it allows me to have the freedom I want.
I also need to remember that if I don’t take care of myself those nightmares that I have been dealing with lately are only going to become more intense and stay around longer. I also know I have to stop missing my therapy appointments because I do worse with out them. Today I am back to feeling empowered and ready to take things back into my own hands. I will meet my goals and I will continue to fight to take back complete power from the assholes who tried to destroy my life. I am keep reminding myself I am a SURVIVOR!!
I need to remember that using my blog is something that helps me and I need to start using it again. I continue to struggle, I am sure everything going on with year is not helping. I also see that we have a full moon and that never helps a person out. I have been so tired lately that last night I actually went to bed at 6:30. It is never a good feeling when you body and mind is so tried you can’t even function in your normal life. I am hoping today will be better.
Yesterday at work I had a complete emotional break down. This is something I hate doing because I never want people to think I am weak. I always project strength and confidence. I feel that when I break down in front of people I can no longer pretend I am these things. It is also hard to think about censoring myself. I have learned over the last couple of days that its not okay to just be me all the time. I have to watch how I respond to people who I always felt safe with. I no longer feel safe with people who use to be my safety net. While that feels normal to me because thats how I have always lived, it still sucks because I felt that I could change that and now realize that is not the case.
One thing that is my constant is my husband. I do not know what I would do without him. I know I am safe and I know who I am when I am with him. It is hard to believe we have been together for 22 years and I still seek him out when I need comfort and safety. I rely on him now as much as I when we first got together. I am grateful for him and all the sacrifices he has made to help me meet my goals and dreams. I hope that I show him this and tell him this enough.
The nightmares did not come last night. I am always so grateful when they do not come. Sometimes though I know I am avoiding sleep just to make sure they do not come. Sometimes I just need a break and no sleep is easier to deal with then the sleep with nightmares. I always wonder how can someone who is dead still cause so much harm to the living. This person has been dead and gone for 21 years and he has not been able to physically hurt me. Sometimes I wish for the abuse because it is easier to handle than fighting off something I can’t see and touch. I don’t know if that makes sense but I feel like I am being robbed of the ability to fight for myself. Maybe that is my punishment. Maybe I am not suppose to fight it, because I did not try and fight when he was alive. Maybe I am going to live the rest of my life fighting something that is no longer there. That sounds so exhausting actually, but maybe thats what this is all leading me up to. Getting me prepared to live the rest of my life in fear. Maybe this is really all my fault. Maybe I did ask for this punishment. Ugh I am just so lost.
The last couple of weeks have been tough for sleeping. I don’t know how much more I can take of these nightmares. They go away for awhile and I think I am in the clear. Things start to go well and bam all of a sudden I am a teenager again living out the same nightmare. These nightmares are so vivid and real I feel like I am right back in that life. I have worked so hard and it is so hard to be taken right back.
I know I am not alone in this, but I wonder if I am the only one that continues stay stuck even though I have put in so much hard work to move forward. When do I just get to be happy. When do I get to have complete control of my whole world. I hear so many people talking about the meaning of life, or what they think they were meant to do or be in this life. For me I feel that my life is about pain and suffering and always being in that whole fighting very minute to get back out and hope that I can make it back to the top before my life is over.
I am one of those people that hates being emotional and vulnerable but lately that is all I am. I cry so easy and feel so exposed to the world. The nightmares go away and give me a fucking false sense of security. I think yes it has been 2 weeks they are gone maybe I am finally free. I will never be free I will also have to struggle to get to the top. I am so tired and sometimes wish I could just stop climbing. I would hate myself if i stopped trying, but still I wonder will it ever end. Will I ever reach the top? Will I ever be able to own my life and my power. This asshole is dead and he is still making my life miserable.
You know what is even more exhausting is pretending. Getting up and pretending that you are happy and great and nothing is going to keep you down. When actually smiling through my day is harder than the nightmares. By the time the day is over I have nothing left because I used up all my energy to pretend to the world that Jennie is strong and capable. That is a bunch of bullshit actually. Jennie isn’t any of these fucking things. Jennie is a liar and a fake. PLEASE I just want peace.
I know everyone goes through times when they just are not sure who they are. When these times happen to me I end up doing something stupid and hurting myself. I do not mean physically hurting myself. What I mean is I will do or say something that will end up in me being hurt by my own hand emotionally. I am always ready to lose someone important to me in my life, but it always happens because I make it happen by doing or saying something stupid. Well surprise surprise I did it again yesterday. I have a friend who is going through a hard time. This person and I have been very close friends for about a year now. There is someone in my friends life that does not like me being friends with this person. This last year I have tried to change the dynamic, but I have come to realize that will probably never happen and I just need to move on and let it go. Well recently my friend told me that lately there has been a lot of struggles in their life. I want to support my friend, but I think it is more important for my friends significant other to be there to support and also during this time not have to worry about my being part of my friends life. Time for my friend to focus on that relationship along with my friends current struggles. I told my friend that its probably time to end out friendship so that the significant other can focus on the support my friend needs without worrying about me being part of my friends life. Pretty sure that today my friend is going to tell me that I am right and our friendship will end. At the end of the day I will have no one to blame but myself because I am my own worse enemy.
It is not easy living a life where you push everyone aside and hurt them before someone can hurt me. I am not sure if this will ever change or maybe this is just what my life is going to be. One good thing about pushing people alway is they never learn who you truly are and that secret gets to stay with me. I long for the days I never left my home and never really had any friends. It was so much easier. Yes it was lonely and yes it sucked at times, but I was safe and there was no one to worry about but myself. The biggest positive for living that way also is I never had to worry about hurting someone or letting someone down.
I am sure before the day is done I will be heartbroken and emotional, but I will reread this and remind myself that I have no one to blame but me. No matter what all I want is for my friend to have the best life possible and I know that is only possible for I am out of this persons life as much as possible so that there is no fear from the significant other and that person can support my friend. Sorry this probably appears a little cryptic but again this is to protect this person and lets be real myself included.
Yesterday I wrote a blog of the nightmare I have been dealing with a few nights a week in the hopes that it would end the nightmare. Well it kind of worked. I did not have the same nightmare last night, but I was not free of the nightmares. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to try and sleep every night not knowing if I will have a night free of nightmares.
I did have a new one last night but this one is something I am not sure if accurate. I hesitate to write about this one because of the fear of it being not true. It’s a new nightmare/memory. Normally I don’t hesitate to write things here but there was another person who is part of this memory. This person was much younger then me and I don’t know what to make of this. I will say I am glad this person did not suffer the same fate but might have witnessed something that may have confused her. At least that is what the memory is telling me. I know this probably isn’t making much sense but I am trying to process this in the only way I can at this time.
I need to process more before I can put this down and I need to figure out if this is a real memory or my mind playing tricks on me. With being so tired I can’t completely trust myself.
Lately the nightmares have been coming back again a few times a week. I have tried to ignore them and push through my day but I know better so I turned to my coping skill making a post.
I am sure a lot of it has to do with stress. Working my normal job plus trying to get my new business off the ground is taking its toll. Ok I think I’m ready to put my dream down in writing in the hopes that the nightmare ends.
For the last few weeks the same nightmare finds me in the dark. It’s my first memory of being molested by my groomer. Please know that I was 13 and already suffered tears of being molested before this day. I didn’t know any different or better. When my groomer first came into my life I was very cautious about getting to close. This changed fast not because I wanted it to but because I had no other choice. Living in a very, and I mean a very small space didn’t allow for me to keep my distance easily. Have you ever lived in a camper? I don’t mean a camper that sleeps many people. I am talking a camper on the back of a pick up truck. There wasn’t a lot of room to escape.
Being 13 I am not sure how things really started to evolve, I wish I did maybe I would be able to save someone else but I just don’t remember. What I do remember is the first time it went past that line. I don’t remember how it started but I remember the first time he touched me. I remember how my body reacted and I think back on that now and I want to vomit. The worse part of all of this is we were not alone. He didn’t care that we were not alone. My brother was there, he already thought the sun rose and set because of this guy. He was also so young he wouldn’t have understood anyways. Even if I wanted to tell anyone how could eye. No one would believe me once they learned that it wasn’t in private. No one would believe that this guy who everyone loved would do such a thing. That really doesn’t even matter at this point because he had been preparing me for this moment. He know what to say to my insecure self who had been molested for years. He know that I wouldn’t tell anyone because it was what I wanted. After he finished touching me he told me he loved me and that this is how dads show love. Shit I didn’t know any different so he was able to twist everything and make me think I was special. Ya I was fucking special alright.
I have worked so hard to deal with this but now it’s all coming back and haunting me again. How much more work do I need to do? How much more do I have to suffer before I don’t have to think about him. When do I get to finally live a life free of the torment that I loved for so many years. He is dead but he still holds power over my life. Not during my waking hours but during the darkness. Just like all those times he would sneak into my room at night. He would sneak in take what he wanted and leave me in the night feeling that it was my fault that I wanted this it was me who caused all this. He is dead but I still feel violated. I want to feel free. He is dead and I pay the punishment!
The last couple of months have been crazy. Between Covid-19, my mom being sick, and my realization that I do not enjoy my job. Once I decided that a change was needed I did not let any grass grow under my feet. I have 3 other partners and we are moving forward very quickly with starting our business. Life’s a Beach Counseling will be opening in August of 2020. This Friday we sign our lease and they will start the renovations on our space! This week I am off of work and I am working on getting our loan, getting our bank account open, and starting the process to get our insurance paneling started. It has been so much work but I know in the end it will be great and I will be able to walk away from a job that I do not like and start living out the dream that I had put on hold for so long.
It makes me so happy that my husband is being so supportive in this adventure of mine. I do not thinking I could do this without him. He has always been my being supporter and not matter what I know he will be right there pushing and cheering me on. I am writing this today because I want to look back on this in one year and see where my life is at. I hope that my business is successful and that all of mine and my partners hard work is paying off. As we move forward I will keep posting updates on where I am in the process!
I hate these nights where my head just does not want to shut down. There is so much that I can’t stop reflecting on of this year which is still so early in the year. There has been so many changes in these few short months. In January I made the decision to move to Monroe never realizing just how important that decision would end up being. Then came February when one day I get a call from my mom who is scared because there was something medically wrong with her. She drive home that night and this set off the next big change. With in 24 hours we learned she had cancer, she went in for a biopsy and ended up in the hospital for a week. I feared I would lose her that week because of her lungs being compromised. Finally she was released and it was time to move mom in With me so she wouldn’t be alone hundreds of miles away. This lead to waiting for a couple weeks and scrambling to get everything in place to start treatment. Now she goes three weeks in a row for chemo and she does her best to keep smiling and fighting! She is truly the most amazing woman, I hope to be half the woman she is! Then comes March and the Covid issues start and I was left worrying about my people at work, my consumers, my mom, and my own fears of getting sick. This was hard but also eye opening for me. It made me look at my life and realize I was not happy. I was going through my life doing what was expected of me, not from any outside influences but of my own. It was than I decided I needed a change but what I didn’t know. Then one day sitting in the parking garage of the UW Hospital it came to me. I STOPPED DREAMING! I was settling I stopped having goals and dreams. April became my turning point I was ready to make big changes and new dreams I realized I wanted to be my own boss, help who I wanted to help, stop playing politics and just do what I love! I started bulldozing my way through my thoughts and figuring out how to get my dream. Now it’s May and I realize that already in a few short months I have come alive again. I am ME again and I will no longer just do what I think is expected of me but do what I know I need. Everything that has happened to this point has been a wake up call this year. The best part of all of this is my amazing mom is fighting and not giving up! She will be here to see me through my dream and remind me to keep moving forward because that’s what she has taught me. Happy Mother’s Day mom I am so glad you are home with me again. I love you! I am also lucky to have an amazing husband who over the last 21 years has supported all my crazy and cheered me along. I know that Jamie will continue to cheer for me and be proud of me. I love you more than you know! So while it’s Mother’s Day I wanted to honor what my family is going through because we are all in this together and both are important to my dreams, my life, and my happiness!!
This was a tough week for me. I have been dealing with a migraine all week and then last night I dealt with stomach issues and didn’t sleep.
Mom had chemo again yesterday and she continues to do well. I’m wondering if I am getting all her symptoms so she can continue to do well.
There has been so much on my mind this week. Some great things and some of the usual struggles. it’s hard to be in here and writing and having to sensor myself but for my own good I need to do this. I will say that new adventures are exciting and difficult but I can’t wait to see where life continues to take me. I can’t wait for the world to get back to normal again. I don’t like being isolated and stuck at home so much.
At least I am still working out of the office and not from home. I would be completely crazy if I was not able to go to work. One day at a time just taking it that way.
Today I am at UW again sitting in the parking garage while my amazing mom is inside starting the next round of her chemo. The first 3 weeks of the first round went great for her. It was that last week when she was off that I watched her suffer and struggle more. That fourth week she was so tired and had no energy for anything. She wasn’t eating or drinking. We ended up shaving her head that week. It was so much in such a short time frame. Watching her last week I waited to hear her say to me that it just was not worth and that she would rather just live whatever life she has left. I am so glad she did not do that.
We were sitting at home this morning before we had to leave for the hospital and I could see she was not herself. I asked if she was tired and she reported she wasn’t but didn’t say anything more. I asked her what was wrong. She finally admitted she was nervous for treatment today. She did not want to go back to feeling how she was last week. I can’t say that I blame her. On the way to the clinic she had her phone call with her nurse and they talked about how they can make adjustments to help her. They are willing to make adjustments ya right away but mom has decided she wants to go another full round to so she has a better idea how it will continue as she moves forward. She did allow them to make a small adjustment and they will be adding extra fluids during her treatment. They also talked about she can better manage her her nausea with the meds they have her own. Hopefully these changes will help her.
Once she got into the clinic she texted me, but I can’t be in the clinic with her and she updated they were having a hard time getting an Iv in this time. It took over an hour before someone was able to get her ready to start treatment. At least they were able to finally start her about a half hour ago. I hope the rest of the treatment goes well. She has the weekend to rest and I will also be home with her on Monday. One day at a time! It’s hard watching my vibrate mom go through all of this but she is strong!
When is a good time to rethink the direction of your life? Some people feel it’s never a good time when things in the world are uncertain. I am not sure I agree with that. Uncertainty should be a great time to rethink priorities, dreams, and goals.
I wonder if it is normal for changes to happen every few years. Is this a sign of never being satisfied with life or is this a sign that there is continued growth and maybe an adjustment needs to be made?
There are certain things in my life that have been stable for years that I do not want to change. The biggest one is my husband, my partner, my best friend. Our marriage is not perfect and will never be perfect, but one thing I have come to learn is that neither of us is giving up. We always fight our way back to the one constant and that’s us.
Then for years I struggled to figure out what my purpose was in life. It took a long time but becoming a social worker and then a clinical social worker opened up a whole new world for me. It got me to my current job and I’m the four years I have been with my agency I have learned so much more. I have so much passion for mental health and helping people recover and live their best lives.
Now I wonder if this was not a stepping stone. Is this as far as I was meant to go. Is running a program for someone else really the direction I should be continuing down. While in school I made goals for myself. First I got my generals down, then did my undergrad, then went to get my masters, took myself through the steps and became a LCSW, worked my way up in my program and became a supervisor. These are all great goals that I accomplished and am proud of. Do I stop here and just go through the rest of my life right here? Is there more out there for me? Can I take my experience and knowledge and build more?
These are the questions I have been asking myself for the last few months. The last month has pushed these thought even more forward in my mind. I feel like I’m being pushed along because I have stopped believing there was more for me to do. How old is too old to start a new adventure? Can I be selfish and ask my husband to take this adventure with me? Will he think I am crazy?! Yes he probably will but at the end of the day he would cheer me on as he always has.
I figure what is the worse that could happen at this point. It’s not like I’m out of a job or leaving my job. What would be the harm in exploring a new dream and finding out if it is an option? Who says I can do the research gather the information and go from there. This is the perfect time to consider what’s next, before life comes back full force and I no longer have the time and option to make new dreams and goals!!!
I know there is so much uncertainty in this world right now. I wish that I had the capacity lately to look outside of my own world and really say I care about those around me. I can honestly say that I can’t remember at time where I wake every morning and wish I could put the covers over my head and ignore everything. However, I know the real world does not give two shits about what I need at this time. I need to figure out how to move forward on my own.
I have never been a person who cries over much. Lately I am so overwhelmed and isolated and scared. I am not scared for me, I am not scared of covid-19 for myself. I fear for my mom who just learned she has cancer and is in treatment, I fear for my husband who is out there delivering to grocery stores, I fear for the people I work with, and the people I work to support.
Everyday I come to the office to see my consumers and assure they are doing well because that is what I am suppose to do. When I say I am suppose to do, I do not mean that my agency is forcing me to be here. When I took this job I took this job knowing it would not be an easy job. I knew I was the person who had to keep my team doing what they need to be doing to protect our consumers, and I know that it was my job to be there for my consumers. I took this job know that it would not always been in the best ideal circumstances but the way I look at it I am not allowed to let them down. I am not allowed to let my consumers fall apart because I am to afraid to be there for them.
This is not to say that I do not do everything I can to assure that I am keeping people around me safe, because I am doing that as best as I can. I will not hide away and not take responsibilities for the needs of my consumers.
This is all taking a toll on my in many ways. I am not eating as I should be. While I am losing weight it is not in the way I would like to be. I am either sleeping way to much or not at all. By the time I get home I have nothing left to give my husband, my mom, my pets, and lastly myself. I am numb and I have come to a point where I just question myself about why I continue to get up everyday and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I question why I even get out of bed. It would be so easy right now to just give up on everything and walk away or hope not to wake again. Please don’t think I am saying I am going to hurt myself that is not where this is at. I just need to be able to express that I just don’t care anymore, I just don’t have a lot of fight left in me, I just want to be left alone. These are all things that are not possible for me.
Remember when you are looking at a person you think is strong and has it all together, WE DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER! We just smile through it and hope to make to the end of the day. If I can make it through 8 hours I can then go home and lay on my couch and be numb again. I favorite thing to always say is “Strong Like Bull” one day I hope to believe that again.
Most important in all of this is remember to love yourself, love your neighbors, lets build each other up because I know I am not the only who is struggling right now so lets help each other.