New Year next Chapter

Last night was not a good mental health night. Today I am going okay but I realize something needs to change. I need to change and grow. I cannot change most of the situations going on in my life but there are some I can control. First thing I need to do is start taking better care of my physical health. My physical health alters my mental health and I know this and really have not cared. My plan is to get back to taking my meds regularly and watching what I eat. My diabetes needs to be better managed and only I can do that, this will help manage my moods so much better.

I need to next take restock of those in my life. I give way to much to people and most of the time I don’t feel like I get the support back when I need it. I want to make my circle smaller and have those people that I can count on, not the people who say I can count on them or the people I have been stupid enough to think I can count on.

I need to work on getting my needs met instead of making sure everyone else is happy. I need to be the most important person to myself. I need to learn that I don’t have to give and bend for others in my life if they want to be there they will accept it and love me anyways. If anyone can’t I need to move on and keep them at a distance. I need to be my own BFF because no one else can or will be what I need.

Every day and every year my marriage is so important for my sanity and my happiness. My husband is my safe place to fall and snuggle into when I feel scared or in a bad place. I also realize my marriage needs work always. I need to be strong enough to ask for what I need, give of myself what is needed, and believe that we can do anything together. I also know I need to be strong enough to ask for what I need to keep my marriage strong.

The last thing I plan to focus on is my business. My business gives me so much sense of purpose. It’s hard right now but every day I know that the business will get better and will be amazing. It’s part of who I am and the passion I have for my future!

Another Year!

This is what I wrote today on Facebook.

I know many people are reflecting on 2020 and can’t wait to see it go. While it has not been the easiest year I can’t say it was a awful year. In February we learned my mom has stage 4 cancer. This sucks completely but I look at this and I am thankful she was able to move back to Wisconsin and move in with me. I have gotten to spend the last 10 months making amazing memories. Then there has been COVID. The world went into lock down. When this happened I was forced to reflect on my life and decide if I was happy or needed to make changes. Starting with my professional life being in an office while everyone worked from home was eye opening! I came to realize I worked at a job that did not give me any sense of purpose or fulfillment, I came to realize that I worked with people who did not share the same passion as I did, my eyes were open to see who had the passion I did. This helped me plan my next adventure. I decided to take my passion from the dead end job to open my own practice with two people who have the same passion for the work we do. It was a lot of hard work but we are open and every week we are growing. I put in long hours but it’s because I love my work not because I have to play catch up all the time. My business has helped me find my purposes. This year I also made the decision to reevaluate the choices I have made in my life and reach out to fix the mistake I made. I have reconnected with someone in my life that I allowed others to cloud my own judgement. This reconnection has been amazing and I have been so luck this person answered when I reached out. Then I have to reflect on the family that I have reconnected with. I have isolated myself from most of my family to protect myself well I have opened my circle and let some back in and I am glad I have!This year has not been easy but it isn’t suppose to be and I have grown so much because if it. I will celebrate the end of the 2020 year but not because it was awful but because of the person I am because of it. The last thing that 2020 has given me is a stronger marriage and so much love for my husband. With Jamie Bowyer by my side I can do anything!! Here is to the end of 2020 and the start of another adventure in 2021. Be safe and much love!

I’m sitting here tonight emotional and depressed. I’m sitting here and wondering why I have to be so strong. I’m sitting here wanting to cry but I won’t because my mom is right here with me and I have to be strong. I’m sitting beee thinking about letting my husband down and myself down because I didn’t plan my life better. I wrote that Facebook post and I look at it now and it’s a lot of bullshit. I am a fake and a fraud.

What I really want to say is I’m tired of being strong, tired of letting everyone around me down. I’m tired of the nightmares that will not leave me alone, I’m tired of pretending I’m okay. I am not okay, I am not strong!

I keep everything to myself I don’t ask for help because I don’t want to be weak also. I don’t tell the people around me that I’m just done and tried and don’t care. I don’t tell them how my heart is broken and tried. I keep the smile on my face because that’s what I am supposed to do. I feel so alone even in a room full of people. Sitting here and writing them I feel pathetic and stupid, because at the end of the day is my life that bad. I sit here thinking about all the people around me who say God is with you. Where is he, where has he been. I hate when people say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. How much more can I take. Am I stronger for being raped at starting at the age of 6 until I was 13. Am I stronger from being groom from 13 to the age of 19. Am I stronger because I still have nightmares and still blame myself. Watching my mom fucking die how is that going to make me stronger. Oh yea I know because tomorrow I will get up put the smile on my face, do what needs to be done, and fall into bed at the end of the day more exhausted because being strong is exhausting. Here is to another day oh yea and another year wish I could say only goes up from here but that is a load of shit!

How Much is to Much

How much can one person handle before she breaks. How much can see take and still hold her head up high. At what point will she break.

No matter how strong I am, I have a breaking point. I’m ready to cut everything out of my life and focus on my marriage, my mom, and being successful. All the outside chaos is becoming to much. Defending myself in everything is taking its toll. I need to go back to basics. Make my circle smaller and keep myself safe.

Fixing the issues I have and finding away to heal da to be my priority. For once in my life I need to remember I am important. I need to make my goals the first step. I need to speak up and stop being afraid to speak up and have my needs met. I do this in all areas of my life. Stop to say fuck it and make myself happy. The rest will fall into place or fall away neither way it’s okay to put me first. It’s okay to find my happy. It’s okay to take back my power. Starting today and moving forward I will do me and screw the rest. I can be happy and first is to put myself first. Back to basics here we go!

My Well is Full!

Last night was rough. I did my best to pick a fight with a friend. Not because I wanted to actually fight but because if I am angry then I can normally ignore my other feelings. Well that didn’t work so well for me yesterday. I wanted someone to hurt as bad as I was hurting, but at the end of the day I felt guilty and crappy. I started talking to this friend and I found I couldn’t hold my emotions back anymore. I talked to my friend for a while and then wrote my post last night. I crawled into bed with my husband and ended up breaking down all over again. I don’t think he knew what to do with me at that time. He does not realize he was exactly what I needed. He held me while I cried and just let me be with my feelings.

Then today I went with some other amazing friends and we went and spent the evening seeing Christmas lights and then having dinner. I needed their laughs and love to help me gain my strength again. It amazing to me how lucky I am to have an amazing support system. I am not alone and when I can’t pick myself up I know my support will hold me up until I am strong enough to do it myself. When things are hard I need to remember I’m never alone. Tonight I go to bed with my heart full and ready to face tomorrow!

Not the Easiest Week!

This week has been a struggle. With everything going on with my mom, I have not been able to just keep pushing things down. Sitting in the office with my partners I had to walk away because I broke down. I do not have time to break down and cry and feel weak. That will not help my mom and the situation. She is dying and I just keep over doing everything so I can avoid thinking about it. When I do this the mean in me comes out. I was mean to someone important to me most of the week. I know I was mean and all I wanted was someone else to hurt as much as I am right now. It is so easy to just let the mean out instead of just admitting I am not doing okay. I want to find a deep hole and lay into and pretend that nothing in life exists anymore.

The worse part is I want to make someone else hurt the way I am hurting. What kind of a person thinks like that. I am a therapist and I am thinking this way. Then I have these amazing people in my life who are there to support me, love me, and try and pick me up and what do I do just pretend I am okay until I am not. I hate that these people in my life have this false sense idea that I am strong, and driven, and amazing when it is all an act. I live by the moto fake it until you make it. Apparently I am good at faking it because no one sees the real me. The hateful, angry, ugly person who is living inside this false sense of reality. Most of the time people figure me out but I have still managed to keep these few people on the hook thinking I have my shit together. One day they will figure out who I really am and they will be free. It always comes out at the end. For some reason it is just taking longer with these amazing people. I will fuck it up sooner or later. I always do!! Time to stop whining and go to bed have to get up and be amazing again in the morning! By the way Pancreatic Cancer SUCKS and sucks the soul out of the patient and the family who is there to watch is take over.

Things Have Been OK

Lately things have been going pretty well. Of course nothing is perfect, but at least lately I have felt pretty balanced. One thing that helps is I love my work. I love owning my own business and getting to work with people I want to work with and help them be successful in their lives. Every day I come to work knowing I am not making any money yet but that I can make a difference for people in my way and that feels amazing.

Every day I do worry about my mom. In case I have not mentioned it she has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She stopped chemo back in August. She was not enjoying life at all and it just was not worth it for her. For the first couple of months after she stopped chemo she was getting her energy back and eating like crazy. Over the last few weeks I have slowly seen her have less energy. She has lost her spunk. This last week she had to start using a cane and she is no longer able to get in and out of her pickup. We have made adjustments in life. She now drives my Buick because it is easier for her to get and out of. I feel one of the most important things is that she keeps her independence as long as possible. At this time it is just one moment at a time and we keep making those memories.

For the first time in a lot of years we are celebrating Christmas in my house because I want to make sure that she has the best holiday and we can make great memories that I can hold on to when she is gone. Considering all of this I can still look for the positives and take every moment that I can get

Emotions and Vulnerability are not Easy

I think I use to like it better when I locked myself away in my house and did not leave it. I did not have to see anyone, make nice, or take the chance of being left feeling unsafe. Lately I feel like I am all of the above and it is hell. There is always something or someone who is going to let you down or try and drag you down. I always hope that I am in a place that this does not happen, but lets be real I am still in that place all the time. It is worse with the nightmares, because leaves me feeling emotional and vulnerable and these feels seem to follow me the rest of the day. I don’t get a break and I do not get to just have peace in those days.

It is hard to spend every day looking over your shoulder and trying to avoid anything that could through me into a bigger tailspin. I am fearful and numb most of the days and it is hard work to try and pretend that everything is okay. I say I am fine, but really I am screaming in my head I am not fine. I am in Hell right now. I am lucky in many ways I have a great support system, but really they can only do so much when I am feeling this way. I even find I pretend with them so no one knows what is actually going on with me.

The stupid thing is that I know that when I shut people out I am letting the evil back into my head. I am reminded again and again, that I am no good, not lovable, and will never truly be wanted by anyone. I live in the belief that no one would want me expect to get their own needs met. Logically I know this is not completely true, but that does not stop the insecure or illogical part of me believing this. I hear his voice saying these things to me over and over through my day. It is hard to not believe it when there are people in your world that show you that it is true.

I would love to have a day where my confidence is real, that I truly feel loved, where I know I am needed just because of who I am. Will this be how it is for the rest of my life? When will I have the chance to stop pretending I am happy and actually be happy. Don’t get me wrong there is happiness in my life, but there are a lot of days I have to pull myself out of the place I have been thrusted into to feel it.

Always there!

It doesn’t seem to matter how much effort and time I put into my trauma treatment. It does to take much for it all to come crashing back down on me. The last few weeks have been pretty stressful with a lot of changes in my business life. Since everything started I have not been sleeping. The reason I am not sleeping is because when I being stressed it increases my anxiety. When my anxiety increases the nightmares come back stronger then ever. There are times when i feel like I am right back in that world. Every night I feel like I am being raped over and over again. That part is not even the worse part. The physical pain from the rapes are so much easier then hearing the voice again and again saying the same thing over and over again. “NO one will ever want you! No one will except you and take care of you the way I do.” “I mean look at you, you are so broken no one would ever take the time to try and find you’.

It still takes my breath away every time I hear those words. I use to hear those words in person while he raped me, but nothing compares to hearing them now. Nothing compares to the power those words still have over me. He has been dead for over 20 years and I still close my eyes and hold by breath waiting for the door to open. I am married to an amazing man and I still lay next to him waiting for the nightmare to start and feeling the intense fear just like it was over 20 years ago.

I still hate myself and think I am weak. Why did I let this person control me so much that I did not see what was going on until I was free. How could I be old enough to realize it was wrong but I did not stop it. What kind of person allows themselves to do something that was so wrong and not stop it. I was molested for years and I have been able to move past that, but I can’t let go of the abuse that comes with grooming. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the nightmares before I break (no I do not plan to hurt myself). How much can one person survive and still be able to manage being a decent person in life. I feel so lost, angry, hurt, an broken and I hate that I feel this way. He is dead why am I still suffering. Well that is easy I am just continuing what was started and do not know how to stop it. Please I need peace and I need to feel whole for the first time in my life.

Nothing is Ever Easy

This year just continues to be a kick in the ass! I am so over everything. This was suppose to be a great year minus a few challenges. It has been anything but.

Let’s not even talk about the obvious issues with COVID and the other issues society is facing. That should be enough but of course it isn’t the end of the things that have continued to suck this year.

February my mom comes home we find out she has stage 4 cancer. She starts treatment feels like crap and just recently stopped all treatment. She is feeling better but of course that will just be temporary.

Then with my mom being sick this opens up flood gates I had worked hard to keep closed. So many family relationships being forced back into my life. I kept them out for a reason but like had different ideas.

One good thing came from all of this and my brother and I are civil to each other and hopefully this continues. I got to meet my niece and nephew who are amazing!

Then I learned a friend has been lying to me for months and this causes me to worry about trust and openness within this friendship. I hope that this are going down the right path but I have to be honest with myself I have no idea if they are. I fear that the lies are continuing and I know this could make things worse if the lies continue.

Then the biggest change of all was leaving my county job and following my dream of opening my own practice. This has been a huge labor of love, fear, panic, and more recently anger. I should have though things through more and considered my options.

Now I have my amazing business and I am so excited to see where it goes, but I have come to realize that not everyone has the same views as I do about the business. I feel that some feel that this business is just going to be there to give them the time they want to do whatever without any effort and want to get the rewards that come with that. Now I fear that my stupid inability to recognize that some people are just not trust worthy or do not have the same drive as me will cost me everything I have been busting my ass for.

Just one more reminder that I was better off isolated and alone. At least then the only one who could hurt me was me. Trust is hard to give and I have given it to the wrong person again. This time I could cost me even more then my dignity!

Oh how life changes !

If you asked me a year ago how my life would be different I would never have guess where I am today. I worked at a job that left me with no motivation, no excitement, and a lot of stress. I imagined myself in this job until I retired. Well that is not where I am now lol. I also think back on the people who were in my life a year ago and reflect on how much that had even changed. I use to think of myself as a pretty strong person who did not allow people to lead me blindly. Many people have left my life, a few have stated, and recently I connected with someone from my past who was so important to me and I allowed this person to be pushed out of my life by people who were not good for me. I also look back at this year and cringe because I almost gave up on my marriage!

Over the last year so much has changed. My husband and I worked out asses off to do the hard work of building our relationship back stronger and better then ever. We have been together for 22 years and it could have been so easy for us both to say fuck it we are done. Thank goodness we didn’t. We worked hard, cried, fought, pushed past the hurt and found each other again.

I left that dead end job and followed my dreams. I forgot about my dreams for so long! It took my mom moving back home and learning she had cancer to make me realize I was not happy! While I wish my mom was not dying I can’t change that, but I can honor her by remembering that life is short and to take it all in and do what makes mr happy! I am thankful for this time I get with her to make memories with her so when she is gone I will never regret a moment and have those memories to help me every day.

Leaving my dead end job led me to following my dream of starting my own practice! I opened my business with some amazing friends and while we are struggling right now at the end of the day it’s all worth it!

I also over the last year lost people who I thought were my friends but at the end of the day they just sucked the life out of me. Letting go of that circle and holding on to my core support was much better for me. I have some pretty amazing people who stand with me and when I need it they hold me up. I do the same for them when they need me!

This year has also taught me that I allowed important relationships and because of the toxic people in my life. I have had to humble myself and reach out and ask forgiveness. Believe me when I say that was the hardest thing to do. I have done a lot of soul searching and growing with myself. Reflections are not easy and no one wants to think they did someone wrong. I took a chance and reached out knowing there was a good chance the door would be slammed in my face. Lucky for me I was able to admitted I fucked up and said I was sorry and I was forgiven. That was only the start I had to confess some big mistakes. This person opened her arms to me and gave me the best gift, forgiveness!

So as hard as 2020 has been many great things have come out of this year and I am so grateful!! I love you Stacey!!

Not as Strong as I like to pretend!

This week has been a little rough. I have found myself second guessing myself and my goals. Starting a business has been a roller coaster or a ride. Many days I am excited and loving where my life is heading. Then other days I just want to burry my head in the sand and pretend the world does not exist. Most days I can get up put a smile on my face and get through the day without anyone realizing where I am mentally. Other days its apparent I suck! I will say that I have some amazing partners taking this journey with me, and when I am not able to stop myself from over doing things they are not afraid to tell me enough is enough. I appreciate this a lot but on the other hand I hate that I have showed any weakness. I spent most of my life being weak and I don’t ever want to feel that way again.

While things are hard right now with the business and no money coming in I keep reminding myself that this is part of the process and I know things will change in time. We have only been open for 2 months and at this point I feel like we are doing okay. At the end of the day the stress and the struggle with make me appreciate the business even more when it allows me to have the freedom I want.

I also need to remember that if I don’t take care of myself those nightmares that I have been dealing with lately are only going to become more intense and stay around longer. I also know I have to stop missing my therapy appointments because I do worse with out them. Today I am back to feeling empowered and ready to take things back into my own hands. I will meet my goals and I will continue to fight to take back complete power from the assholes who tried to destroy my life. I am keep reminding myself I am a SURVIVOR!!

Another Day

I need to remember that using my blog is something that helps me and I need to start using it again. I continue to struggle, I am sure everything going on with year is not helping. I also see that we have a full moon and that never helps a person out. I have been so tired lately that last night I actually went to bed at 6:30. It is never a good feeling when you body and mind is so tried you can’t even function in your normal life. I am hoping today will be better.

Yesterday at work I had a complete emotional break down. This is something I hate doing because I never want people to think I am weak. I always project strength and confidence. I feel that when I break down in front of people I can no longer pretend I am these things. It is also hard to think about censoring myself. I have learned over the last couple of days that its not okay to just be me all the time. I have to watch how I respond to people who I always felt safe with. I no longer feel safe with people who use to be my safety net. While that feels normal to me because thats how I have always lived, it still sucks because I felt that I could change that and now realize that is not the case.

One thing that is my constant is my husband. I do not know what I would do without him. I know I am safe and I know who I am when I am with him. It is hard to believe we have been together for 22 years and I still seek him out when I need comfort and safety. I rely on him now as much as I when we first got together. I am grateful for him and all the sacrifices he has made to help me meet my goals and dreams. I hope that I show him this and tell him this enough.

The nightmares did not come last night. I am always so grateful when they do not come. Sometimes though I know I am avoiding sleep just to make sure they do not come. Sometimes I just need a break and no sleep is easier to deal with then the sleep with nightmares. I always wonder how can someone who is dead still cause so much harm to the living. This person has been dead and gone for 21 years and he has not been able to physically hurt me. Sometimes I wish for the abuse because it is easier to handle than fighting off something I can’t see and touch. I don’t know if that makes sense but I feel like I am being robbed of the ability to fight for myself. Maybe that is my punishment. Maybe I am not suppose to fight it, because I did not try and fight when he was alive. Maybe I am going to live the rest of my life fighting something that is no longer there. That sounds so exhausting actually, but maybe thats what this is all leading me up to. Getting me prepared to live the rest of my life in fear. Maybe this is really all my fault. Maybe I did ask for this punishment. Ugh I am just so lost.

The Nightmares are Back

The last couple of weeks have been tough for sleeping. I don’t know how much more I can take of these nightmares. They go away for awhile and I think I am in the clear. Things start to go well and bam all of a sudden I am a teenager again living out the same nightmare. These nightmares are so vivid and real I feel like I am right back in that life. I have worked so hard and it is so hard to be taken right back.

I know I am not alone in this, but I wonder if I am the only one that continues stay stuck even though I have put in so much hard work to move forward. When do I just get to be happy. When do I get to have complete control of my whole world. I hear so many people talking about the meaning of life, or what they think they were meant to do or be in this life. For me I feel that my life is about pain and suffering and always being in that whole fighting very minute to get back out and hope that I can make it back to the top before my life is over.

I am one of those people that hates being emotional and vulnerable but lately that is all I am. I cry so easy and feel so exposed to the world. The nightmares go away and give me a fucking false sense of security. I think yes it has been 2 weeks they are gone maybe I am finally free. I will never be free I will also have to struggle to get to the top. I am so tired and sometimes wish I could just stop climbing. I would hate myself if i stopped trying, but still I wonder will it ever end. Will I ever reach the top? Will I ever be able to own my life and my power. This asshole is dead and he is still making my life miserable.

You know what is even more exhausting is pretending. Getting up and pretending that you are happy and great and nothing is going to keep you down. When actually smiling through my day is harder than the nightmares. By the time the day is over I have nothing left because I used up all my energy to pretend to the world that Jennie is strong and capable. That is a bunch of bullshit actually. Jennie isn’t any of these fucking things. Jennie is a liar and a fake. PLEASE I just want peace.

Feeling lost

I know everyone goes through times when they just are not sure who they are. When these times happen to me I end up doing something stupid and hurting myself. I do not mean physically hurting myself. What I mean is I will do or say something that will end up in me being hurt by my own hand emotionally. I am always ready to lose someone important to me in my life, but it always happens because I make it happen by doing or saying something stupid. Well surprise surprise I did it again yesterday. I have a friend who is going through a hard time. This person and I have been very close friends for about a year now. There is someone in my friends life that does not like me being friends with this person. This last year I have tried to change the dynamic, but I have come to realize that will probably never happen and I just need to move on and let it go. Well recently my friend told me that lately there has been a lot of struggles in their life. I want to support my friend, but I think it is more important for my friends significant other to be there to support and also during this time not have to worry about my being part of my friends life. Time for my friend to focus on that relationship along with my friends current struggles. I told my friend that its probably time to end out friendship so that the significant other can focus on the support my friend needs without worrying about me being part of my friends life. Pretty sure that today my friend is going to tell me that I am right and our friendship will end. At the end of the day I will have no one to blame but myself because I am my own worse enemy.

It is not easy living a life where you push everyone aside and hurt them before someone can hurt me. I am not sure if this will ever change or maybe this is just what my life is going to be. One good thing about pushing people alway is they never learn who you truly are and that secret gets to stay with me. I long for the days I never left my home and never really had any friends. It was so much easier. Yes it was lonely and yes it sucked at times, but I was safe and there was no one to worry about but myself. The biggest positive for living that way also is I never had to worry about hurting someone or letting someone down.

I am sure before the day is done I will be heartbroken and emotional, but I will reread this and remind myself that I have no one to blame but me. No matter what all I want is for my friend to have the best life possible and I know that is only possible for I am out of this persons life as much as possible so that there is no fear from the significant other and that person can support my friend. Sorry this probably appears a little cryptic but again this is to protect this person and lets be real myself included.