Forever a child

The last few weeks have not been easy! In February my mom called me and she told me that she was not doing well. She wanted to come home but her doctor did not feel that was in her best interest at least until they ran a few tests. They did an ultrasound and found a mass on her pancreas and also on her liver. She was very yellow from jaundice because the mass was pressing on her bile duct and her liver was not functioning properly. Her doctor did give her the okay to come home and while talking to my brother he told us to get her straight to the ER. He was concerned because she had been jaundice for so long.

When mom got here we went straight to the ER and from there she was admitted into the hospital. They admitted her and the next day they did put a stint in and also took a biopsy of the mass on her pancreas. This started the scary part of this for me. The procedure went well and mom was ready to rest. I ended up going home and planned to work for a little while the next day. I got an update from my mom that they were treating her for pneumonia and a fear. She said she was doing okay and told me to keep working as I had already planned to do. Later that day I went to see my. It was clear that her asthma was not well. They had been treating it with her inhaler and also breathing treatments. I watched her over the next few hours decline more and more. My brother was on the way down but I was all alone watching my mom struggle to breath. When my brother was about 45 minutes out I called the nurses because I did not like the way things were going and asked them to call the doctor. I updated my brother who told me they would probably be putting her on Bi Pap and to keep him posted. They did end up doing this and I continued to watch my mom decline and I knew her cognition was also declining. She was fighting the bi pap and the nurse at this time said to me, “The next step would be a breathing tube but your mom has a DNR.” I again reached out to my brother who was now a few minutes away and told him what was going on. My mom also started to fight the bi pap thankfully my brother arrived and he was able to get her to keep it on. It was at this time that they prepped my mom to move into ICU to be monitored. I have never been so scared that I would loss my mom. Once the Bi pap was starting to work and my mom was coming around and was with us we were able to have a conversation to lift her DNR so we could make the decision. Thankfully she agreed. She spend the next 3.5 days in ICU on Bi Pap but she did get better. She came home a Tuesday and for the next week she struggled to do anything without feeling so weak and struggling to breath. Thankfully she got stronger every day and was able to have her last biopsy. This last week we got her treatment plan and we are ready to get started. She is so strong and we will all take it a day, a minute, and a second at a time and help her heal and fight.

You just never know!

It’s easy to go through life and think that things are good and that it’s okay to not worry about things. Until it’s not. I’m writing this post while sitting in the hospital with my mom. On Tuesday my mom called me to tell me that she was at her doctor’s office and that she is jaundice and they fear her kidneys are not working. I wanted her to come right then so she was not alone but her doctor wanted to get an ultrasound first to make sure it was okay for her to drive. Told my mom to call me after she got the results so we could figure out what is next. Later she called me and told me they found a mass on her liver and her pancreas. They told her she could come home but to seek attention when she got here. She came up that night and while talking to my brother he was more concerned and wanted her to go straight to the ER in Madison. She got in at 1:30am and we went right to the ER. They ran some blood tests and a CT scan and learned that the mass was pressing down on her bile duct which was causing the jaundice. They admitted her from the ER. They knew they needed to do a biopsy and also put a stint in to allow the bile ducts to drain. We left her at the hospital last night nothing was going to be done until Thursday. This morning I got up and came to sit with her and at 12:50 she went in for the stint and the biopsy. She did well and is currently in recovery. The results of the biopsy will be back tomorrow or Monday. The surgeons are already saying pancreatic cancer. Now we wait unt the biopsy confirms so we can figure out what the treatment plan will be. In the mean time I am making plans for her to move back to WI and move in with me. She can’t stay in MO with no family. So much to figure out and so much still up in the air. We are taking it one day at a time right now.

Remember to love yourself!

I have this tattooed on me and is a great reminder. The last few days I was not remembering this. I am glad that I got out of the house last night with my husband. Being new to living in my community and starting my new life here off to a rocky start I am ready to let last week go and enjoy exploring my community.

Im NOT going to hide away and avoid my life. Last but helped me get our if my head. I have been struggling to sleep most of the week. I did find myself avoiding my bed last night as I have been, but I finally went to bed around Midnight. I snuggled underweight blanket next to my husband and my dogs and was able to sleep for a full 5 hours!

Looking at my tattoo today I am remembering how different this situation would have been for me a year ago. A year ago I would have stay hidden away and have done everything I found to stay hidden. Being asked to pull myself out of that dark place with in days instead of weeks makes me so proud of myself! This gives me hope that one day I will not have to hide or fall into my desk place at all. This will be the ultimate sign of my post and my strength! This week was a huge sign that I am getting stronger every day and NO one can take that away. If you are reading this and going through your own journey use this and know that you can do this!

Should of came here sooner!

I know that my blog helps me so much and this week I should have came here. This week was one of the worse weeks I have had in a long time. Let me explain…

With not going to deep into the situation as this started at work. This week I dealt with being threatened while working. I am the type of person who works hard to keep my shit together when dealing with a stressful situation. I don’t like to store my vulnerability because that is not safe, at least not for me. I let myself break down in front of people at work. Don’t get me wrong I have those very few people at work that I will be completely vulnerable with. This day it was in front boss and other members of my administration. Not only did I break down in front of people I was not about to pull myself together after the fact either.

I ended up leaving work scared to drive home alone. I got home put my car garage hurried into my home locking the door behind me. I was shaking, scared, and completely in high alert. When I got house I closed my house up tight! Curtains pulled tight buried myself under a blanket and completely broke down. My dogs got on top of me and wouldn’t leave my side. I realized at summer point I couldn’t do this alone. I sent a message to my therapist and asked her to call if she had a chance.

While waiting I found myself having flashback to things I have not dealt with in a long time! My dogs needed to go outside and I couldn’t make myself do it. I had to put them in their kennels I just couldn’t do it. I hated myself that I let myself fall back to this hole. My therapist did call me and we talked for awhile and she told me to stop beating myself up that wasn’t helping. We made a plan I could stay locked up and closed in but only until my hubby got home. I had to go outside with him and take the dogs out so I was taking the first steps. She also told me to give myself a minute and to not be so hard on myself. So my first step was going out side with my safe person. When my husband got home I did go out but couldn’t stop looking over my shoulder. I was shaking and sweating. It hurt to breathe and I just became more upset with myself. I did finish thought I did stay out side.

The next day I did stay home post of the day again but before I left the house I took another step and opened one curtain in my house. That made me feel I was in control again. Then I went to work. At work I had so much support and I made it through my half day. I still had not slept because I was afraid to close my eyes the flashbacks were more then enough without the nightmares.

Friday I went to work for the whole day. I started to feel stronger. I was tired but at least I was taking my power back. Friday night I used my weighted blanket and I did sleep but made sure I didn’t sleep too deep. Even though it wasn’t s good sleep I woke up this morning feeling a little stronger. Tonight even my hubby got find I decided it was time to go out into public. We went to dinner and I felt myself relaxing and enjoying myself. I think tonight I may be able to really sleep. I am feeling like me again. I am not a victim but I am a survival and I will keep living!

Merry Christmas or not

For most people this time of year is their favorite. I use to be that person but not so much any more. I think many families have that one person that is the glue. When that person is no longer there and there is no one there to step up into the role everything changes.

I remember so many great things growing up in my large very loud family. Christmas Eve was one of my favorites. That was always the night we were at grandma’s house. You would walk into her house and it smelled so good! She would make the best sugar cookies and so much candy. She would have a spread of food and we would eat and talk. My favorite time was after dinner. We would sit down and play Royal Rummy. We would play for hours and some of the best stories would be told during these hours.

My second favorite part of the holiday was Christmas Day. After our family had their Christmas morning together it was time to go visit the rest of the family. My mom was one of 10 kids. There say was busy going from house to house. There would be some kind of yummy items to taste and enjoy. The kiddos would show off what they got for gifts. This would go on all day. So much fun and memories made.

I wish I could say it was always great but there is a reason this didn’t continue once my grandma was gone. As I got older I was able to see that not every person in my family provided great memories. In fact some of my family was down right scary. I made the decision to separate myself from my family. My family is not a safe place to land. I hate that I had to make that choice because on days like today I’m pretty fucking lonely. These are the days I think about reaching out but at the end of the day i know I would regret opening myself up to this again.

Please if you are lucky enough to have a great family please hold on to this and appreciate how lucky you are. For me I keeping moving forward and can’t wait for these days to be gone.

Feeling stupid!

Relationships suck no matter which way you look at it. You think you find this one person who you can let your guard down with only to eventually realize your an idiot!

The person who called themself my BFF showed me once again just how much better I would be alone. This person showed me very clearly that I don’t matter. I know when you make friends at work you have to keep the two relationships separate and I can do that until the person you trust shows you just how much you don’t matter.

The people in my life know how hard it is for me to leave people in completely. I let this person in on a lot. This person knows how much my program, consumers, and workers are to me. Yet when it comes down to it actions always speak louder then words.

This person got a new job and that is great, I want what is best for everyone. I never thought my “BFF” would give me a two week notice, hardly come in those last two weeks and be 7 months being on notes. This is not professional. My program is suffering, my consumers are suffering, and the team that is left is left behind to pick up the pieces.

If this person loved me and cared about as they claim then this would have been handled better. Now I am left angry, disappointed, and sad. With my history this leaves me in a place of remembering why I don’t give my whole self to anyone. In left raw and stupid and right back in the place of not trusting anyone. I will move on but I also know I have to grieve this loss and figure out if there are any pieces left to pick back up. All I want to do though is close myself back off. Go to work and come home where I am safe. Leave all people behind so I can feel comfortable again. Ugh

Life is a journey

Have you ever going through a time in your life where nothing seems to work out fit? Lately this is where I seem to be. I get one area of my life feeling normal and then a different area seems to follow apart. My marriage it’s feeling in a great place which I love.

Now I feel like my work life is falling apart. Just when I feel like I have things figured out I get a new smack in the face. I have been in this job now for almost 1.5 years and I feel like I am at day two. I’m an trying to find the right balance of being a flexible boss and a boss that people respect. I struggle to get people to understand that their job is more then seeing people the back end stuff is just as important. I didn’t even get to take my weeks vacation because my backup person has had to pick up others slack.

Then there my other relationships that I fear losing so I act a fool and try and push people away before they can figure out I suck and leave me anyways. Why do I have to do everything the hard way. One thing I have not learned is to just live in the moment. I wonder how different my life would be if I could learn to do that. Maybe if I stopped looking six steps ahead I could see all the great things and people who are there wanting to experience these things with me.

Crap writing this just reminded me of something. Last year or actually probably two years ago I attended a DBT training and something happened but I moved on and have not thought about it until this moment. The topic was radical acceptance. Suddenly during this topic I broke down sobbing and I mean sobbing. Room full Of people who did not know what to think or do. I couldn’t explain it to myself let alone them. I pulled myself together and pushed it to the side never thinking about it again until now. Think I need to go through my own training and figure out what I need next. I guess I am being guided so I will follow. Stay tuned we will see!

Reflection

I am glad I have started to blog again. It has been helping me process lately. Last night and this morning has got me reflecting on my life and what I want moving forward.

I look at my life with my husband and think about how much changes there has been over the last couple of months. While it has been many really hard conversations together I love the fact that we have kept working together and fighting for our marriage. No matter what no matter how hard it has gotten we are both still in this marriage and want to make it work. For the first time in a long time I feel loved and wanted again. We both have had to make a lot of compromises but so wealth it in the end. I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us.

I have also been reflecting on my work life lately. I have to make some changes at work. My program is amazing but I have a lot of changes I need to make so it runs better. I have been to relaxed with my expectations of my people and that is something I need to work on. I need to be able to walk away at the end of the day and let it go and know that everything that needed to be done was done.

I also reflect on my relationships. I wonder how I need to find a balance of not giving so much of myself with little return. I can’t work harder at my relationships. I need to remember to trust a little less and I protect myself. One day I will find my way. My reflections of late will allow me to come up with my own expectations.

So many positives and I just need to keep building on them!

Frustrated!

Do you have a person in your life that just knows what buttons to push to frustrate you?! One of the things that drives me the craziest is when you know a person very well and this person says one thing but the tells are all there that the person is full of shit. The part that upsets me the most is that a person will play it off and make you feel like you are not bright enough to know the difference!

The part that pisses me off more then anything is that this person likes to say we are best friends but nope that isn’t the case because if it was true then people would be truthful. Sorry I know this is very confusing but if I don’t process I will never sleep! These are times when I again wonder why do I care so damn much? Why do I put the effort in? Why do I trust completely with this person without the same trust being there for others.

The new year is coming up quickly maybe the problem is me. Maybe my new resolution needs to be I stop putting so much time and energy into my so called “friendships”! Maybe if I stop trying to prove I care and trust I will see everything for what it truly is.

At least this isn’t the issue with all my friendships! I am actually laying on my best friends couch right now because I couldn’t be at home alone any longer and she told me to come to her house! We didn’t do anything exciting but just hang out laying on the couch watching tv. It was the damn Hallmark channel but for her I was okay with it. I guess everything else will be what it will be! Okay enough for tonight!

Thankful!

Let’s first reflect back on 21 years of marriage. I think about our lives and it shocks me we are even still together. We have faced so many challenges in our time together. I remember one of first big struggles and this was us learning that children would not be possible for u. This took me a long time to deal with it myself and the fear that

As I sit here before midnight I find myself reflecting back in the day and the years before. Today my husband and I celebrated 21 years of marriage! I don’t know where the time has soon because I don’t feel that I am first that old or second have spent so many years of my life with this one person.

Looking back at the last 21 years it’s amazing to me how much we have dealt with and manages to survive. First thing I reflect on is the time when we realized that having having children of our own was not going to be an option for us. I dealt with so many emotions during this time. First thinking that what kind of wife could I bet when I can’t provide the one thing that woman dream about. Second thought that I dealt with for many years and I think still struggle with it that guilt that Jamie did not get to be the amazing father I know he would have been.

I also remember the times where I was a stay at home wife (honestly this was still during my isolation time) and I would travel with Jamie. Damn I remember how badly that ended! The fights we would have because we would each other crazy!

The biggest struggle we have had lately is our huge fight a few months ago. For the first time in our marriage I walked out in my husband instead of staying and fighting I walked away. Yes it was only for a night but if I did not walk away I don’t think we would be here today. Every day is still a work in progress. We still spend a lot of time taking about our problems, which is not easy! The hard part during this time is the fact that my husband told me that he misses the woman I was when we first got together and is finding it hard to deal with all my changes. I got that and with uncharacteristic patients I kept talking and explaining. Then hard part was finding the way to explain it so he would understand it. Thankfully I found the way to explain it and he is working hard to except all the new parts of me! I love my husband totally and completely and while things are not completely fixed so are certainly moving in the right direction!

Another thing I am thankful for is that for the first time in many years I had a family Thanksgiving. Today was a good reminder that it’s very precious to meet people who become not just friends but friends who become family. Having a family thanksgiving was amazing and heart lifting. It was also a good reminder that the important people are there when you need them those are the people who are family. I have many friends and those people are very important in my life but they are just that friends. I love and appreciate my bestie Ashlee no matter what she is there. Thank you for being my person Ashlee!

I can’t wait to see what this next year brings for my marriage, my friendships, and the continued change in myself! Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is not the day!

I am sitting here on my couch knowing that once again I put myself in a space that isn’t ok. Here is the deal though I really don’t care. I skipped therapy and absolutely do not plan to leave my couch. I know my therapy today was important and I know when I am like this I should go. To bad not interested. I don’t need my therapist to tell me what my deal is or help me figure out what to do. I know what I need to do now I just have to help myself but the bullet and just do it. No do not read more into this.

Today I am missing the life I use to have. I miss the times when no one counted on me. The times when no one knew I just sat in my house and avoided the world outside my four walls. In those days I didn’t know I was lonely and isolated. No one got hurt or angry or frustrated with me. My husband was use to it so it worked for us. He was my life and my world.

I love my work it gives me a sense of purpose. My team and my consumers are important to me, I couldn’t have kids so I have put all that effort into those around me. I am off this week and I shouldn’t be thinking of work but how do you stop when work has been so life changing for me. I need to figure out how to balance work, my marriage, and getting back to basics. All I want right now is to protect myself. Ugh sorry this post is all over the place. I’m struggling to feel safe and okay suddenly and it has been awhile since I have felt this. How do I get back to that feeling. At least at home and with my husband I feel safe again and that makes a big difference. Maybe this week off what needed more then I realized. Okay that’s enough for now. I think I will nap…

What to do? what is new?

Sometimes I sit here thinking about what I should do in certain situations. I hate seeing people in my life suffer. I hate seeing people in my life hurting. The helper in me what’s to make things better if at all possible.

I don’t care at what cost it comes to me to help others. Helping others is what has given my life purpose. Ok I know I am not making a lot of sense here but this is my process.

First thing I want to talk about is the fact that I’m 2 days my husband and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage. If you would have asked me a couple months ago if I thought we would make it past 21 years I would have told you it was not looking good. Today I see this differently. Well I wish our marriage would not have hit a huge brick wall I will say at the end of the day it was needed. I think we needed to get to our breaking point so we could start living in our marriage again. For many years we just went through the motions it got so we were just roommates because honestly neither of us knew what we needed. This huge struggle has gotten my marriage moving forward again. We are talking and listening to each other. We are learning about each other’s needs and wants and how they have changed over the last 21 years. We are having all those hard conversations and coming up with compromises. We are becoming a team again! I love that!

So while my marriage is getting better there are other parts of my life that I am struggling to figure out. While I have changed and I am looking for many things in my life they come at a cost. It’s easy to look at things in my life and like where they are going. I look at the affects it has on others around me and the helper and fixer in me hates that. I have started to look around me and see what I can do to make things better. The only way I can see that I can protect people is to walk away and go back to the way life was before. I also need to except a lot less from people who have helped me in important ways in my long journey. Making the change now will be easier because I am already losing one person from a big part of my life. I know this person will not disappear completely but it will change as this person is leaving the place I work and no matter how close people are that big change will change our relationship. The other person who has changed my outlook of life and who helped me see that the world does not always have to be a scary place. I think that the lessons I have learned will allow me to be ok with pulling away. My pulling away I hope will make other things easier.

Now I just need to figure out how to keep myself busy and find other hobbies to keep me busy as I adjust. I have this week off and it will allow me to figure out what I need and want to do, plus while I am away from everyone this week I hope that life will change for many people. Time to find my way in a world I have never completely felt comfortable in. Therapy tomorrow this will help me figure out how to make changes that will be good for me and those around me. Im also going to start using this outlet again to process things around me. I stopped do that for awhile as people who would read my posts were taking it out of context and without all the information it is easy to read more into these posts. I am not longer going to worry about others. If you are reading this then know you may not understand where I am at but it’s for me not for you. Jennie is taking back her own power and taking care of my own needs. Nothing else matters! Goodnight…

Adulting over it!

This title makes me smile because I am 42 and still just can’t get my shit together. I’m more confused and anxious now then ever. I have actually been avoiding my blog for a long time but I realize I need this outlet again. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks while reading this!

Everyday continues to be a struggle of trying to figure my life out. It’s been bad enough that lately I wake up every morning with a lot in my stomach. This pit will either last all day or I will end up vomiting in the morning. My marriage continues to be a big stressor for me. I wish I could just wake up and everything would be back to the way it was. I want to feel secure and happy again with who I am in my marriage. I know one way to fix my marriage and it’s time to decide if I can do this or not. if only I could be the person I use to be, even just the person I was a couple years ago that would help my marriage. There are days I sit here and think how easy it would be to fix all this. I mean it was good enough for me the last 20 years so I think I could be that person again.

I think about how selfish I am being lately. What right do I have to expect my partner to just be on board with my changes. He married the girl he loves 21 years ago and lately she has completely disappeared. This new person in my marriage and decided it is okay for her to be selfish and not think about her husband. I am part of a couple I am not single and answer only to myself so maybe it’s me who is wrong. The worse part of this is it’s not just me screwing with my marriage but other people are having to deal with my selfishness.

How can I truly be someone’s friend know that this person is also struggling due to our friendship? What right do I have to be a reason someone else is struggling and hurting. Well I know how to fix all this and I think I can do this. I go back to relying on myself, I go back to keeping more to myself, I go back to focusing on my husband and my job. Those are the important things that I should be focusing on. See I know what to do and I know how to do it but am I selfless enough to actually do it? I can do this I can put others before myself, I can assure that things go back to the way they were. It will take some time to find the right box but it’s possible. One day, one moment, and one minute at a time. At the end of it all being an adult will be easier.

I plan to stop avoiding this outlet and using it asshole I intended to use it all along. At least the few people who read this will have a good story to follow!

Working to Understand

Thursday night I came home late from an amazing speaker. I felt the need to wake my husband and share my trigger post with him. It would have been easy to have had him read it to himself but I am working on being more vulnerable with my husband, so I decided to read the post to him. Of course I became pretty emotional while reading it to him. Once I finished reading it to him I was surprised by his reaction. First I saw pity in his eyes and that about killed me. After a couple minutes I asked him what he was thinking and he said, “ I am trying to process”. He then got up from the couch and went to the bedroom and got dressed. He said he needed a smoke now. We did go out and smoke and I struggled to look at him. One I was feeling vulnerable and second I was still confused by his reaction. We ended up going to bed and didn’t talk about it anymore.

The next morning I got up and still was not feeling good about the interaction. My husband reached out to me in a sexual way and I pulled away from him. I was still feeling unsettled and he took this personally which made me angry. I tried to explain why I pulled away but I was still salty about the night before. I held this all day until that evening.

It was at that point that I talked to one of my favorite people and was able to process and look at the situation logically. While talking to this person I was able to step back and look at the night before from my husbands side of things. I was surprised he was not angry last night. While talking I came to realize that he probably was angry but was afraid to show me that because of the situation a few weeks ago when he scared me. So I knew I needed to talk more about this with Jamie.

Last night while we were chatting I talked to him about his reaction that night. I learned that his reaction was his way of assure he didn’t make me feel afraid of him. He worries that if he told me he was pissed and wanted to find the person and hurt that person as much as I was hurt that he would scare me again. This allowed Jamie and I to really talk about how he was feeling and how important it is to me that he continue to express his feelings because if he holds back then to me it feels like he doesn’t care. Every time we talk I feel more and more hopeful. One day at a time and I know we will be stronger in the end!