Today is not the day!

I am sitting here on my couch knowing that once again I put myself in a space that isn’t ok. Here is the deal though I really don’t care. I skipped therapy and absolutely do not plan to leave my couch. I know my therapy today was important and I know when I am like this I should go. To bad not interested. I don’t need my therapist to tell me what my deal is or help me figure out what to do. I know what I need to do now I just have to help myself but the bullet and just do it. No do not read more into this.

Today I am missing the life I use to have. I miss the times when no one counted on me. The times when no one knew I just sat in my house and avoided the world outside my four walls. In those days I didn’t know I was lonely and isolated. No one got hurt or angry or frustrated with me. My husband was use to it so it worked for us. He was my life and my world.

I love my work it gives me a sense of purpose. My team and my consumers are important to me, I couldn’t have kids so I have put all that effort into those around me. I am off this week and I shouldn’t be thinking of work but how do you stop when work has been so life changing for me. I need to figure out how to balance work, my marriage, and getting back to basics. All I want right now is to protect myself. Ugh sorry this post is all over the place. I’m struggling to feel safe and okay suddenly and it has been awhile since I have felt this. How do I get back to that feeling. At least at home and with my husband I feel safe again and that makes a big difference. Maybe this week off what needed more then I realized. Okay that’s enough for now. I think I will nap…

What to do? what is new?

Sometimes I sit here thinking about what I should do in certain situations. I hate seeing people in my life suffer. I hate seeing people in my life hurting. The helper in me what’s to make things better if at all possible.

I don’t care at what cost it comes to me to help others. Helping others is what has given my life purpose. Ok I know I am not making a lot of sense here but this is my process.

First thing I want to talk about is the fact that I’m 2 days my husband and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage. If you would have asked me a couple months ago if I thought we would make it past 21 years I would have told you it was not looking good. Today I see this differently. Well I wish our marriage would not have hit a huge brick wall I will say at the end of the day it was needed. I think we needed to get to our breaking point so we could start living in our marriage again. For many years we just went through the motions it got so we were just roommates because honestly neither of us knew what we needed. This huge struggle has gotten my marriage moving forward again. We are talking and listening to each other. We are learning about each other’s needs and wants and how they have changed over the last 21 years. We are having all those hard conversations and coming up with compromises. We are becoming a team again! I love that!

So while my marriage is getting better there are other parts of my life that I am struggling to figure out. While I have changed and I am looking for many things in my life they come at a cost. It’s easy to look at things in my life and like where they are going. I look at the affects it has on others around me and the helper and fixer in me hates that. I have started to look around me and see what I can do to make things better. The only way I can see that I can protect people is to walk away and go back to the way life was before. I also need to except a lot less from people who have helped me in important ways in my long journey. Making the change now will be easier because I am already losing one person from a big part of my life. I know this person will not disappear completely but it will change as this person is leaving the place I work and no matter how close people are that big change will change our relationship. The other person who has changed my outlook of life and who helped me see that the world does not always have to be a scary place. I think that the lessons I have learned will allow me to be ok with pulling away. My pulling away I hope will make other things easier.

Now I just need to figure out how to keep myself busy and find other hobbies to keep me busy as I adjust. I have this week off and it will allow me to figure out what I need and want to do, plus while I am away from everyone this week I hope that life will change for many people. Time to find my way in a world I have never completely felt comfortable in. Therapy tomorrow this will help me figure out how to make changes that will be good for me and those around me. Im also going to start using this outlet again to process things around me. I stopped do that for awhile as people who would read my posts were taking it out of context and without all the information it is easy to read more into these posts. I am not longer going to worry about others. If you are reading this then know you may not understand where I am at but it’s for me not for you. Jennie is taking back her own power and taking care of my own needs. Nothing else matters! Goodnight…

Adulting over it!

This title makes me smile because I am 42 and still just can’t get my shit together. I’m more confused and anxious now then ever. I have actually been avoiding my blog for a long time but I realize I need this outlet again. I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks while reading this!

Everyday continues to be a struggle of trying to figure my life out. It’s been bad enough that lately I wake up every morning with a lot in my stomach. This pit will either last all day or I will end up vomiting in the morning. My marriage continues to be a big stressor for me. I wish I could just wake up and everything would be back to the way it was. I want to feel secure and happy again with who I am in my marriage. I know one way to fix my marriage and it’s time to decide if I can do this or not. if only I could be the person I use to be, even just the person I was a couple years ago that would help my marriage. There are days I sit here and think how easy it would be to fix all this. I mean it was good enough for me the last 20 years so I think I could be that person again.

I think about how selfish I am being lately. What right do I have to expect my partner to just be on board with my changes. He married the girl he loves 21 years ago and lately she has completely disappeared. This new person in my marriage and decided it is okay for her to be selfish and not think about her husband. I am part of a couple I am not single and answer only to myself so maybe it’s me who is wrong. The worse part of this is it’s not just me screwing with my marriage but other people are having to deal with my selfishness.

How can I truly be someone’s friend know that this person is also struggling due to our friendship? What right do I have to be a reason someone else is struggling and hurting. Well I know how to fix all this and I think I can do this. I go back to relying on myself, I go back to keeping more to myself, I go back to focusing on my husband and my job. Those are the important things that I should be focusing on. See I know what to do and I know how to do it but am I selfless enough to actually do it? I can do this I can put others before myself, I can assure that things go back to the way they were. It will take some time to find the right box but it’s possible. One day, one moment, and one minute at a time. At the end of it all being an adult will be easier.

I plan to stop avoiding this outlet and using it asshole I intended to use it all along. At least the few people who read this will have a good story to follow!

Working to Understand

Thursday night I came home late from an amazing speaker. I felt the need to wake my husband and share my trigger post with him. It would have been easy to have had him read it to himself but I am working on being more vulnerable with my husband, so I decided to read the post to him. Of course I became pretty emotional while reading it to him. Once I finished reading it to him I was surprised by his reaction. First I saw pity in his eyes and that about killed me. After a couple minutes I asked him what he was thinking and he said, “ I am trying to process”. He then got up from the couch and went to the bedroom and got dressed. He said he needed a smoke now. We did go out and smoke and I struggled to look at him. One I was feeling vulnerable and second I was still confused by his reaction. We ended up going to bed and didn’t talk about it anymore.

The next morning I got up and still was not feeling good about the interaction. My husband reached out to me in a sexual way and I pulled away from him. I was still feeling unsettled and he took this personally which made me angry. I tried to explain why I pulled away but I was still salty about the night before. I held this all day until that evening.

It was at that point that I talked to one of my favorite people and was able to process and look at the situation logically. While talking to this person I was able to step back and look at the night before from my husbands side of things. I was surprised he was not angry last night. While talking I came to realize that he probably was angry but was afraid to show me that because of the situation a few weeks ago when he scared me. So I knew I needed to talk more about this with Jamie.

Last night while we were chatting I talked to him about his reaction that night. I learned that his reaction was his way of assure he didn’t make me feel afraid of him. He worries that if he told me he was pissed and wanted to find the person and hurt that person as much as I was hurt that he would scare me again. This allowed Jamie and I to really talk about how he was feeling and how important it is to me that he continue to express his feelings because if he holds back then to me it feels like he doesn’t care. Every time we talk I feel more and more hopeful. One day at a time and I know we will be stronger in the end!

Just want to feel normal

I know what you are thinking what does normal even mean. Well I guess my normal is a hot struggling mess at least lately. I want to be “normal” that we see on tv were in less then 60 minutes all of my troubles have been fixed. Wouldn’t that be amazing! Maybe I should just make my own tv show.

I think what I am really looking for is being able to wake up in the morning knowing that the day will be ok and not start out with any issues. Looking for that day when I go to bed I would know that I was ok safe loved comfortable.

Wow sorry this post is going to change directions. While I was writing this post my amazing friend walked into my office. We took a break and walked outside where I started to talk about my feeling off all week. I explained about sharing one of my intense posts with my husband and how the interaction really didn’t go the way I thought it would or I should say, how I imagined it would. Once we talked back inside and continued talking in my office I processed this. Of course I cried, which honestly i still struggle with but over time and talking about the post and my husbands reaction I started to look at my situation more logically.

I wish I knew why processing out loud with my peeps gives me the means to stop and reevaluate my situations. It would be easier if I was able to just do that at the beginning lol it would save me a lot of time and energy! 😊 having found certain people coming into my life over the last few months has been amazing and also fucked up. Before my best friends I spent a lot of time thinking I was not “normal” and was always better off alone or only with my husband. While my husband is amazing and I am so happy he is in my life, having people in my life that get me makes life so much better. Thank you and you know who you are! Love ya! 😘

Why just Why

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I feel so lost and hopeless. I wish I could pinpoint when this feeling started because maybe then I could turn this around. I feel like I am either losing or pushing those around me away. I feel the need to protect myself but from what!? I hate that the last two days I have let down my BFF she has worked so hard and it was my job to be there to support her and encourage her, but what did I do instead I bailed. She tries to tell me I am a strong woman and it will all be ok. I’m not strong I’m not wanting to fight anymore. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere like I always use to. When did I allow outside influences to change who I am and how I feel. It’s not just my BFF I am pushing away. There is my male BFF who I have connected with over the last couple months. I am pushing him away to say it’s to protect him but really it’s to protect me. Of course I don’t want to cause him any anxiety or stress it would be easier to just back away from him. Then there is my husband who I love more then life itself and I find myself anxious and worried that I will say or do the wrong thing and loss him. I use to know what I wanted and what I needed. Now I am just a lost child like I was when my abusers would use me for their pleasure. This is the place I never wanted to be at again. I am survive it again because that’s what I do but fuck it gets harder and harder every time. I always fear I will not be able to pull out of that he darkness again. I have dealt and continue to deal with so much hurt, pain, and struggles just for once I would like the universe to just give me a break. Well I think it’s time to go to bed and sleep so I am ready to face a new day….

Caution this post may be a trigger please read with this warning in mind.

The intention of this blog is for me to have a place to process my life and the trauma that has shaped my life and also as a means to let people who are suffering to know they are not alone and that they can keep moving forward and lead the life they want. Lately I am being plagued by the same flashback over and over again. I have not talked to my supports about this as I do not want to burden them with this. I know they would tell me I am not burdening them but seeing the looks that come to their faces is something I can’t deal with today. If you have survived sexual assault you may want to stop reading now as I will be pretty graphic in the rest of this post…. So here it goes.

I have having this flashback and nightmare often over the last few weeks. Please be aware that I am still trying to sort all the details out so if this appears randomly put together that is why.

This memory I think is from around the age of 11 or 12. I was at home with Ron and I am not sure where my mom or little brother were. I just know it was just the two of us. I can remember being called into Ron’s room and feeling a sense of dread came over me. We lived in a trailer and the room was at the end of the hall. I can feel my stomach growing more and more sickly. The walk down that hallways was the longest walk ever. When I get to the door of the room he tells me to come in and shut the door. I knew better then to argue with him because it would just be worse for me. I walked in and slowly shut the door why he called me a slut and told me I was going to suck his dick because that was the only thing I was good at. I already knew better by this time not to cry. I knew if I cried it would make him happier. He got on the bed and undid his pants and told me to get it done. I was still working hard not to cry I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to just be done and left alone. I got on the bed as I was ordered to and he grabbed me by the hair and started pushing me down and told me to open my mouth. He forced me to suck him off until he Ejaculated in my mouth. Like every other time I throw up in him. While I managed not to cry getting sick was worse then if I cried. You would have thought that after this happening so many times before he wouldn’t have kept forcing me to go down the on him. The name calling just continued from there and I would be forced to follow him into the bathroom to watch him clean himself up. I was then sent to my room until my mom got home. I knew that I had to continue playing the part and this meant being a good girl and pretending nothing was wrong. I got pretty good at keeping my emotions in check even when I struggled in the outside.

I know that if y continued to read that you are probably sickened. I know that’s how I always feel when I have this flashback. I still feel like that helpless little girl. My hope that putting this here and not being ashamed of it will allow me to end this video taped play back in my head. I will say I am sorry if you read this and it causes problems for you. Remember we are all not alone one day, one hour, one second at a time.

Flashbacks

Have you ever experienced flashbacks, if so then you will know just how horrible they can be! Then you can turn around and add nightmares to that flashback situation. These instances can cause a person stress, depression, and fear. As things have been more stressful lately I am having an increase in these issues. I had been experiencing less PTSD symptoms but as my regular life is more stressful then so becomes the PTSD issues. I know this is a temporary situation and that things will balance out again soon it’s still hard to function at times and remain the person that the people around me expect me to be. Lately I am hearing my abusers voices louder in my head. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hear things like: “You can’t leave me no one will want you like i do.” “We will be together forever because the only person who would want you will only want for sex.” “Your a slut so just suck my dick.” These just stay with me. Most of the time i can keep them quiet but when stress sneaks in there is no more control. With everything going on in my marriage and the current relationship struggles that come with that just reinforce those voices. You know I have never said this out loud but it was easier just dealing with my abusers sexually assaulting me then it is to hear these words over and over again. The harder I try and fight back the loud they get. I wish I knew how to take back my control completely. Therapy has brought me a long way but I still have a lot more to go. The worse part is that my groomer is dead and the other one I have no idea if he is alive or dead but inside of me they are still alive and squeezing the happiness out of me. I second guess everyone in my life because I still believe there will always be a catch. My husband, family, and friends are all people I have some fear in and that is the worse feeling anyone should have to feel. The dead should not be allowed to continue to control and manipulate me but…

Keep moving forward.

Things continue to move along in my life. There has been a lot of ups and downs but I feel like things will settle back down. My am proud of my husband who continues to work on our marriage but also working on his own problems. If you would have asked me three weeks ago if I had any hope of saving my marriage I would have had to say it was not looking great. Thankfully neither of us is willing to give up on the last 21 years of our lives.

I wish I could say we were out of the woods but that would be bullshit. We have a lot of work to do but as long as we both continue to make an effort we got this. The last few weeks have shown me just how comfortable we have gotten over all these years. We stopped talking about anything important. We just existed together in our day to day lives. We are now working on communication and telling each other how we feel and what we need from each other. My husband and I have both agreed that we are not interested in staying together just because it is easy. We know that is not the way we want to live our lives. We both want love, affection, and a partner and we will assure we get that or at the very least work our asses off to do the best we can. Hopeful that’s how I continue to feel and I will continue to take everything one day at a time. Stay tuned you know I will keep you posted like always this is my platform and always just say it straight here.

Exhausted

This week continues to be a struggle. I would love to curl up in my bed with the covers over my head and just say fuck the world. I continue to be on a roller coaster with my emotions. I keep asking myself am I doing enough, what more do I do, do I have more in me? These questions continue to spin in my head. I think I have an answer but then the next go around I think about it again and those what if’s come around. It would be so much easier if it was just the same situation and problem going around and around. I keep second guess everything in my life. I think about the people in my life and wonder why I am digging my feet in. I think about my marriage and how I get that back on track. I think about my job and know that I have not given as much as I normally do lately. I feel like I am only half way living any single part of my life. There is a lot of easy ways out and damn I am seriously close to just taking the easy way out. Looking at all these areas of my life my marriage is the one that is front and center, and I know how to fix that. All I need to do is walk away from the outside distractions, go back to the person who put her marriage first before anything else, be that person my husband feel in love with. I think I could be that person again, the person who goes to work and comes home and takes care of her home and her husband. I was that person for so long and at times it would be so much easier. Maybe that’s what I need because if I do this that is what I have done and know for years things would probably settle back down. That could be the one part of my life I can manage then. Guess I just need to continue figuring this out….

What happens next?

I did stay home and waited for my husband to get home from work. For the first time in a long time we were able to sit down and really talk and think about where our lives are going. Thankfully we both realize that this marriage is important and we need to find away to find our way back to each other. We stayed up talking and crying and talking some more. We have a plan and I feel it is a good plan. For now we need to take things one day at a time. We can’t fix everything that is wrong in one night. We have both agreed to give each other the patience we need for us to find out comfort place again. I had many friends by my aide reminding me that we can get through this. My husband has made so big decisions and taken big steps but those are not mine to tell. I am hopeful that my marriage will continue to grow and flourish as long as we both give it time, patience, and love. We are strong and can survive this!

One day at a time

This week has been so emotionally exhausting! This week brought so much uncertainty and fear that I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. As you probably remember I have been married almost 21 years and on Monday I was ready to call it quits. My husband came home and we got into a fight. A fight that led to me walking out the door and going to a friends house for the night. I have never walked out on my marriage before but I knew I had to leave or I feared we would hurt each other with our words and not be able to come back from that. Ok I told myself that I would be completely honest here. It was more then words my husband for the first time in 21 years scared me when he slammed his fists down on a table and threw his wedding ring at me. I picked a bag and went to my friends home and cried until the tears dried up. We stayed up half the night talking. Never once was I judged about the situation or was a suggestion made for me to leave my husband. Of course I didn’t sleep at all that night my head just kept swimming around the what if’s. The thought of being alone and doing this life on my own was scary to say the least. The next day I went to work and tried to do the best I could to get through the day. I didn’t make it to long I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. I ended up leaving and heading home. The drive home was okay but getting home I struggled to get myself to go in. My home has always been my safe place and after the night before it no longer was safe for me. It took me about 10 minutes to talk myself into going into the apartment. I messaged a friend as I stood there in fear. This friend was able to validate my fears and talk to me until I was able to open that door. Now to wait until my husband got home…

Breaking down the wall.

If you have ever struggled with trauma and mental health issues then you will probably understand this post.

The last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I am not that person who cries but the last two weeks it seems to be all I have been doing. Last week was my tipping point. I spent two days just crying and feeling at my lowest. I did a couple things I would not normally do, I left work I guess you can say I ran away, I called my psychiatrist because I am clearly not stable at this time, then I called my therapist to try and get in to see her ASAP.

So this morning I saw my therapist and we talked about the last couple weeks and while processing the events over the last couple weeks she said something that scared the hell out of me. She pointed out to me that over the last couple months the people in my life have done the one thing for me she has never been able to do. These people found a way to break through what was left of my wall. This wall has protected me for so many years and the thought of no longer having that protection scared the fuck out of me. Now all I keep thinking about is what if the people who have broke though that wall hurt me and my protection is gone. Will I survive or will that just pushing backwards to where I was. I don’t want to be that scared, lonely, timid person I was. How is it I am 42 years old and I still don’t have my life figured out!? For now I am going to take the ride and deal with the consequences when they come….