Time to go backwards

I decided when I started this blog I was going to be completely open with myself and my story.  I need a reminder that I am who I am because of the things I had to endure in my life.  That being said as you follow my story it may take time before you understand why I started this blog in the present and some content might be hard for people to read.

Has there been a time in your life where you do not have a lot of memories, such as in your childhood.  This is something I struggle with I do not remember much of my childhood, don’t get me wrong its not that I have no memory of it but I have a hard time with any recall.  Since starting therapy I realize this is how I have been able to deal with my trauma. I am just going to jump right in or I might now be able to put this into words.  Starting at the age of 7 years old my mom’s second husband molested me.  It is around this time that my childhood memories become few and far between.  Our mind is amazing in its capacity to protect our self, but unfortunately it does not just suppress the bad memories.  The hardest part of not remembering much is it feels to me that there was never any happy moments but I know that cannot be true. 

There was years of abuse during this time and like most victims of molestation I dealt with it on my own.  I have had questions asked by people, such as why did you not just tell you mom or someone at school.  God if only it was that easy.  My abuser, same as anyone’s abuser knew how to keep me quiet.  I have a little brother and a mom that I loved and I did not want them to get hurt.  I was just a child but to me it was my job and my fault so I need to protect them.  The abuse continued until I was 12 years old.  When I was 12 years old my mom divorced my abuser and since I was not his biological child he did not make much effort to have visitation with me.  Thank God!!  Since that day my mom took us out of that house I was able to put my abuse deep down and make it a memory so buried that there was days I could convivence myself it was all in my imagination.   Sorry that is it for tonight.

Lab Results.

I know most people are familiar with the new mychart system that most clinics now use. This technology is a blessing and a curse. Lab results get posted before your doctor has time to call and explain the results. Well this happened to me, my results posted and it showed that my cortisol levels were completely out of the normal range. Normal range is less then .112 and mine is at .180. The report states Cushings Disease. Of course I am now in a panic because I have never even heard of this condition before. The worse thing to do is the first thing I did. Yup I went right to google and learned this is a rare condition and goes undetected. I sent an email immediately to my doctor and asked what was next. Her nurse called me and said the next step is to retake the test because sometimes false positives happen. Of course I wanted to redo it that night. I left work early to pick up my test kit so I can do the test once again at midnight. The next day I took and dropped off the sample and now I wait again. I find myself stalking my email waiting for that email that tells me the results are in. Here it is Saturday morning and no results yet… I am sure that it will be Monday before the results are posted. During this time what am I doing, you got it I am googling like crazy every free moment I have. For most people this might not be a huge deal but this test could make everything about my life could have been completely different and I find myself triggered back to my past. Tomorrow I will backwards and provide the start of my story..,

Present

I am not a big fan of journaling but things have been crazy in my life lately and I know that I need an outlet so I decided to give this blog a try.  I want to share my story but before I can go back I have to start at the present. 

Over the last few months I have been struggling with my physical health.  I was having a lot of nausea and vomiting.  Of course I was stubborn and did not get myself check out until a couple of months later, but I am glad that I finally did because this appointment may be life changing for me.  I want to keep everything that is going on straight and process it right here and maybe share this blog with other people dealing with some of the same issues.  So here we go.

At my recent doctor appointment for my stomach problems the doctor decided to run some test, you know the test the chem panel, thyroid levels, and also my kidney function as I am also a diabetic.  Before she let me leave her office she became thoughtful and told me that she wanted to also do another test for a rare condition.  She stated that she did not think I had this condition but she just felt like it would be good to run it.  I am glad she did because I might get answers years in the making.  She ran a test to check my cortisol levels.  She did not give me any information about what this would mean for me.  I let it go and went home with my test that I needed to complete between the hours of 11 and midnight.  So much fun getting up in the middle of the night and sucking on a cotton swab for 2 mins.  The next day I dropped off the test and really did not think anything more about it as my other tests came back normal.  The medication the doctor had given me was for acid reflux and it was working so nothing to worry about.  Until…..