Work is over and here I am still sitting here. I know that I could just go home, but really I am not wanting to do that because the house is empty. So instead I will sit here and write a new post. There has been a lot of talk around the people I care about lately on what is considered healthy behaviors and unhealthy behaviors. Most importantly where I also fit into those behaviors. We all know already that I am not the most mentally healthy person in the world. So I have two amazing friends in my life and it is so easy for me to want to help them and get them both to a place where they are using healthy coping skills, but as one of these people just pointed out I am also guilty of the things I am wanting them to work on. So I have one friend who does anything and everything that this person is asked to do, to the detriment of this persons own stability. My other person likes to isolate and hid from the world when struggling. I get the wanting to isolate and also the wanting to avoid but that does not really help anything, ya that is until I do the same things without noticing what I am doing..lol One of my peeps reminded me that I also tend to isolate myself. My isolation does look different but it is still not what is best for me. My conversation with this person involved being reminded I am still screwed up and got me thinking about if there is a difference between avoiding and isolation.
Well considering I do not want to admit this to myself this is hard for me to step back from and see it from the outside. Really and truly avoiding and isolation are the exact same thing with just slightly different mechanisms. It drives me nuts when people point out to me that I am not as okay as I like to think I am. It is easy to be that person who can look at someone else situation and say yup I don’t do that. Complete bullshit is what it is. Maybe instead of spending so much time trying to help others I should take my own advice and deal with my own shit. So much easier to look outside of yourself though. Maybe I am not as okay with myself as I like to think I am. Time to take a step back and re-evaluate where I am in this life. Maybe I need to be more careful with myself and those around me. Maybe the problem is not everyone else but really the problem is me.
Maybe I have recreated this whole persona that I use to hide behind. I wonder if I just stopped and seen what was really underneath if I would see something different. Would the world around me continue to circle and make me under what life is really about. Would I be less anxious, less depressed, less fixated on bullshit. The drama that goes on around me I need to wonder how much of it is my own doing. I like to think I am not part of the cycle but again this might be complete bullshit. I think instead of isolating and avoiding it is time for me to look very closely and see who I really am. That is just as scary though. Did my abuse fuck me up more then I like to admit to? Did the good pieces of me get lost in all the bullshit? I wonder if the good pieces of me were all taken by the fucking men in my life who thought it was okay to use and fuck a child. How do I get the pieces back, can I even get them back? Do I want them back? Why does the violation have to continue after the act has ended? Sorry today I am full of questions and no damn answers! I AM ANGRY and I don’t even know why or if I have the right to be angry. Sorry readers this post went way off course before I even realized it. I have some thinking to do…Until next time!
Every day is hard but how much harder can it get. Living in the world of trauma I am already waiting for that next kick in the pants. Waiting for the next person to let me down. Waiting to be hurt once again. I have no idea what it is like to get up every morning without fear. My abuse ended physically over 20 years ago but every day I relive parts of it. This can be waking up and reliving the nightmare I just had. It could be a simple thing triggering me into a flashback. You know when it is the hardest, those days when your husband comes up behinds you and hugs you or kiss you and you flinch. Knowing that my flinch causes my husband hurt is the worse thing to endure. I hate knowing there are people around me that judge me when I react in situations in a negative way.
I hate that a small situation can make me defensive and I react before I think. Usually this means I react in anger. I completely shut down and the only thing I can do is go into protection mode. I know people don’t get why I react the way I do in those situation, Hell I don’t always understand why I do. I want what most people want, that is to feel that the people around you are able to support you even when they are not able to understand.
Vulnerability is the worse thing for me. I hate to ever let anyone know they have hurt me. I tend to push people away so they don’t have the chance to hurt me. However, when they finally do leave me, I experience that abandonment feeling. The most embarrassing thing is when I show people I fear losing them, that I come off as needy and always needing reassurances. What I hope is that one day I can have normal friendships and normal reactions to them. For now I at least keep trying and working on myself. Big thanks to the people in my life that I know 100% always are trying their best to understand me and support me. One day I will be able to have a healthy interaction when things throw me off balance. Like always thanks for listening to my ramble!
So I recently had therapy and over the last few days shame and vulnerability have been on my mind. Many people look at these two words and they think they are the same or at least very similar. I am learning that this is not so. For many years I always put these two words in the same context but as I have been working through my trauma and learning more I realize I have been very wrong. I also have been thinking about how shame and vulnerability have affected the way I have dealt with my trauma. Don’t get me wrong I have not worked completely through this but at least it gives me pause before I let the shame take over my day.
So the reason I have been thinking more about this is because a little over a week ago I did something I have never done before and have always promised myself I would never do. I had a complete emotional break down at work. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I had just done this in the privacy of my office but I was not alone! I spent at least 30 minutes blubbering and opening my soul to a coworker and my friend. While I value this person I was ashamed that I lost my composure and dumped on her. She was amazing and so supportive but the next day I struggled to look her in the eyes. I actually tried to avoid her. So when I talked to my therapist she pushed me to look at what I was really feeling. We talked about vulnerability and why I looked at this as shame instead. It is easier to feel the shame because at least then you don’t have to admit to yourself that you just exposed a new part of yourself to someone. My tribe looks at me like I am strong and put together and always has my shit together are at least that is my perspective. I feel that I can’t let anyone see that part of me because I am open to being hurt and falling back into the way I have always been, closed off so that I can’t have any reason to let anyone in.
So what about shame? Shame is the way that abusers keep their thumb on you and keeps you from telling anyone your secret. Shame is what the two abusers in my life used to assure that no one ever figured out how sick and fucked up they were. Instead I was the one that felt sick and fucked up. Hell I still feel that way 90% of the time. The funny thing is that 90% is an improvement as I have always felt 100% fucked up. It has been over 20 years since I was molested and groom by these sick people but they still have so much power over my life and I hate that. I have been working hard to take my power back but I do not feel that it is happening fast enough. HAHAHA the funny thing in all this is I am a therapist I do this for a living and I still don’t give myself any breaks. I can tell others that it gets easier and it is not their fault but I am a fraud because I have not gotten myself to believe my bullshit!!! So this post is going to be a reminder of a goal I am going to set for myself and I hope that by putting this hear my readers will remind me that I made this goal. My goal is that I am going to work hard to be more vulnerable and allow myself to feel what I feel without worrying that the people around me will not respect me. I also am going to use this format to write my whole story without a filter. I am going to stop hiding my secrets and start exposing my abusers secrets. I AM ENOUGH!!!
If you know anything about trauma you know that the hardest thing to deal with is the triggers! I go a long time doing well and then one of those triggers will come up and hit me square in the face. It still catches me off guard the triggers that will set me off. When I think about how far I have come and the small things that can set me off I get so angry with myself. I cannot keep letting the men, if that is what they should be called, continue to have this much power over me. I think my biggest confusion is why do I continue to punish the 7 year old me. Why does she continue to be the one I blame? She is my shadow who is always with me and when I see her all I can see is a penis in her mouth. Logically I know that she should not be to blame but the irrational side of me continues to blame. I have realized over time that part of my issue with the 7 year old is she is the one that made me vulnerable to the continued abused that I face with the second abuser. This abuse left me an easy target to be groomed and made to feel that I was in a relationship but no really this person just knew I was an easy target. The hardest part of all of this for me is that I am left feeling shame and that some how I either asked for it or wanted it. I can hear my therapist in my head right now and I know what she would say but the feels are still there. When will I be able to let the 7 year old go and stop blaming myself for the horrible abuse I had to endure by two men who were selfish and played off my vulnerability.
I decided when I started this blog I was going to be completely open with myself and my story. I need a reminder that I am who I am because of the things I had to endure in my life. That being said as you follow my story it may take time before you understand why I started this blog in the present and some content might be hard for people to read.
Has there been a time in your life where you do not have a lot of memories, such as in your childhood. This is something I struggle with I do not remember much of my childhood, don’t get me wrong its not that I have no memory of it but I have a hard time with any recall. Since starting therapy I realize this is how I have been able to deal with my trauma. I am just going to jump right in or I might now be able to put this into words. Starting at the age of 7 years old my mom’s second husband molested me. It is around this time that my childhood memories become few and far between. Our mind is amazing in its capacity to protect our self, but unfortunately it does not just suppress the bad memories. The hardest part of not remembering much is it feels to me that there was never any happy moments but I know that cannot be true.
There was years of abuse during this time and like most victims of molestation I dealt with it on my own. I have had questions asked by people, such as why did you not just tell you mom or someone at school. God if only it was that easy. My abuser, same as anyone’s abuser knew how to keep me quiet. I have a little brother and a mom that I loved and I did not want them to get hurt. I was just a child but to me it was my job and my fault so I need to protect them. The abuse continued until I was 12 years old. When I was 12 years old my mom divorced my abuser and since I was not his biological child he did not make much effort to have visitation with me. Thank God!! Since that day my mom took us out of that house I was able to put my abuse deep down and make it a memory so buried that there was days I could convivence myself it was all in my imagination. Sorry that is it for tonight.