I was lucky earlier this week I spent some time with an amazing 17 year old. This experience ended up being an awaking for me. This 17 year old was a reminder of me at 17 and how crazy life could be at that time. Here was I realized during the evening we spent together. I have continued to put all the blame on myself for allowing my abuse to continue well past the time I felt that I should have been able to stop it. This particular kid reminded me how fragile life is at 17 and how confusing things can be. How can I continue to blame my 17 year old self? I was just trying to survive! Of course I didn’t want to be rejected, ignored, not loved. This is every persons basic need. He broke me and made me live every day of my life wondering when I will be free. When will someone want me for me?
I have spend most of my adult life continuing to believe all the shit I was told. No one would ever want me. I couldn’t survive without him in my life. Now I wonder how I was able to be the person I am today. I wonder why I was lucky enough to find a man who loves me and truly wants me. Even though I have all of that I still question his motives everyday. Maybe he is not still here because he loves me, maybe he is here because it is easier then starting over. I hate that my abusers have me second guess the one person in my life that wants me and loves me. Now I need to figure out how to completely take back my power. I need to shut off the voices that tell me I can’t survive without him. I need to stop hearing my abuser every day try to break down my confidence. I make a promise to myself I will find away to shut their fucking voices down in my head. I will continue to survive. I will continue to be the woman I want to be. This is my time all my time! One day I will be able to tell him to fuck off!
So I recently had therapy and over the last few days shame and vulnerability have been on my mind. Many people look at these two words and they think they are the same or at least very similar. I am learning that this is not so. For many years I always put these two words in the same context but as I have been working through my trauma and learning more I realize I have been very wrong. I also have been thinking about how shame and vulnerability have affected the way I have dealt with my trauma. Don’t get me wrong I have not worked completely through this but at least it gives me pause before I let the shame take over my day.
So the reason I have been thinking more about this is because a little over a week ago I did something I have never done before and have always promised myself I would never do. I had a complete emotional break down at work. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I had just done this in the privacy of my office but I was not alone! I spent at least 30 minutes blubbering and opening my soul to a coworker and my friend. While I value this person I was ashamed that I lost my composure and dumped on her. She was amazing and so supportive but the next day I struggled to look her in the eyes. I actually tried to avoid her. So when I talked to my therapist she pushed me to look at what I was really feeling. We talked about vulnerability and why I looked at this as shame instead. It is easier to feel the shame because at least then you don’t have to admit to yourself that you just exposed a new part of yourself to someone. My tribe looks at me like I am strong and put together and always has my shit together are at least that is my perspective. I feel that I can’t let anyone see that part of me because I am open to being hurt and falling back into the way I have always been, closed off so that I can’t have any reason to let anyone in.
So what about shame? Shame is the way that abusers keep their thumb on you and keeps you from telling anyone your secret. Shame is what the two abusers in my life used to assure that no one ever figured out how sick and fucked up they were. Instead I was the one that felt sick and fucked up. Hell I still feel that way 90% of the time. The funny thing is that 90% is an improvement as I have always felt 100% fucked up. It has been over 20 years since I was molested and groom by these sick people but they still have so much power over my life and I hate that. I have been working hard to take my power back but I do not feel that it is happening fast enough. HAHAHA the funny thing in all this is I am a therapist I do this for a living and I still don’t give myself any breaks. I can tell others that it gets easier and it is not their fault but I am a fraud because I have not gotten myself to believe my bullshit!!! So this post is going to be a reminder of a goal I am going to set for myself and I hope that by putting this hear my readers will remind me that I made this goal. My goal is that I am going to work hard to be more vulnerable and allow myself to feel what I feel without worrying that the people around me will not respect me. I also am going to use this format to write my whole story without a filter. I am going to stop hiding my secrets and start exposing my abusers secrets. I AM ENOUGH!!!