Every day is hard but how much harder can it get. Living in the world of trauma I am already waiting for that next kick in the pants. Waiting for the next person to let me down. Waiting to be hurt once again. I have no idea what it is like to get up every morning without fear. My abuse ended physically over 20 years ago but every day I relive parts of it. This can be waking up and reliving the nightmare I just had. It could be a simple thing triggering me into a flashback. You know when it is the hardest, those days when your husband comes up behinds you and hugs you or kiss you and you flinch. Knowing that my flinch causes my husband hurt is the worse thing to endure. I hate knowing there are people around me that judge me when I react in situations in a negative way.
I hate that a small situation can make me defensive and I react before I think. Usually this means I react in anger. I completely shut down and the only thing I can do is go into protection mode. I know people don’t get why I react the way I do in those situation, Hell I don’t always understand why I do. I want what most people want, that is to feel that the people around you are able to support you even when they are not able to understand.
Vulnerability is the worse thing for me. I hate to ever let anyone know they have hurt me. I tend to push people away so they don’t have the chance to hurt me. However, when they finally do leave me, I experience that abandonment feeling. The most embarrassing thing is when I show people I fear losing them, that I come off as needy and always needing reassurances. What I hope is that one day I can have normal friendships and normal reactions to them. For now I at least keep trying and working on myself. Big thanks to the people in my life that I know 100% always are trying their best to understand me and support me. One day I will be able to have a healthy interaction when things throw me off balance. Like always thanks for listening to my ramble!
I was lucky earlier this week I spent some time with an amazing 17 year old. This experience ended up being an awaking for me. This 17 year old was a reminder of me at 17 and how crazy life could be at that time. Here was I realized during the evening we spent together. I have continued to put all the blame on myself for allowing my abuse to continue well past the time I felt that I should have been able to stop it. This particular kid reminded me how fragile life is at 17 and how confusing things can be. How can I continue to blame my 17 year old self? I was just trying to survive! Of course I didn’t want to be rejected, ignored, not loved. This is every persons basic need. He broke me and made me live every day of my life wondering when I will be free. When will someone want me for me?
I have spend most of my adult life continuing to believe all the shit I was told. No one would ever want me. I couldn’t survive without him in my life. Now I wonder how I was able to be the person I am today. I wonder why I was lucky enough to find a man who loves me and truly wants me. Even though I have all of that I still question his motives everyday. Maybe he is not still here because he loves me, maybe he is here because it is easier then starting over. I hate that my abusers have me second guess the one person in my life that wants me and loves me. Now I need to figure out how to completely take back my power. I need to shut off the voices that tell me I can’t survive without him. I need to stop hearing my abuser every day try to break down my confidence. I make a promise to myself I will find away to shut their fucking voices down in my head. I will continue to survive. I will continue to be the woman I want to be. This is my time all my time! One day I will be able to tell him to fuck off!
As our world and society continues to change it is a good idea to remember the simple things. My husband and I turned off our phones today and spent the day focusing on us and remembering why we decided to spend our lives together. It was amazing shutting out all the noise and distractions that become so much apart of our lives. I feel that today has refreshed me and centered me to those things that I have taken for granted. The accident my husband was in earlier this week was a wake up call. It’s time to slow down, re-engage in my life and relationship, remind myself why I fell in love, and remember my goals. Work is very important but i have allowed it to take over the person I am. Time to rethink a few things and adjust my priorities. 2019 is going to be about a strong me, a healthier me mentally and physically. I will be my first priority. Thank you to all who continue to follow my journey. My blog is helping me in ways I was not expecting!