Sometimes the universe just give you the big fuck you all at once. That is what it feels like right now. Its stupid where my head is going but I just can’t stop it. I wrote a blog last night about my abuser dying. My first reaction was I hope the asshole suffered. Then I felt guilty for saying and thinking that. Why should I feel guilty for hoping he suffered my life has never been the same and I have worked so hard to take back all the hurt and suffering I had to deal with because of him. Why can’t i hope for some suffering right now. This is not where it ended though and I decided to go look at his obituary, well that was the stupidest thing I did. I ready it and my brother was listed in the obituary. Yes I get he was his biological son, but that man had adopted me at the age of 5. My brother and I both were adopted by my mom’s 3rd husband. After everything I dealt with why was not I listed at a survive. These were my thoughts. Then I belittled myself because why would I want to be listed as his child. He was never a father to me. Shit I never had a real father in my life. I wouldn’t know a real father if he bit me in the ass. The man will rot in hell so why do I can, but do I need to be recognized? I am still so fucked up!
Then this morning a get a message from a friend who also has PCOS and she wants to have another baby and her husband does not. Talking to her brought all the feelings right back to me, and again I tell myself you did not deserve a baby thats why you did not get to have one. She told me it’s so hard seeing all my friends posting about being pregnant and then not being able to. She felt bad after saying this because she knows the struggles I have went thought. She actually said she was sorry, I told her never be sorry for being allowed to have that precious baby. It was just today on top of everything else it was just one more thing that twisted that knife. I just want to find a hole and burry myself in it for a little while until this all goes away. But will it ever really go away? Sorry for rant.
I was lucky earlier this week I spent some time with an amazing 17 year old. This experience ended up being an awaking for me. This 17 year old was a reminder of me at 17 and how crazy life could be at that time. Here was I realized during the evening we spent together. I have continued to put all the blame on myself for allowing my abuse to continue well past the time I felt that I should have been able to stop it. This particular kid reminded me how fragile life is at 17 and how confusing things can be. How can I continue to blame my 17 year old self? I was just trying to survive! Of course I didn’t want to be rejected, ignored, not loved. This is every persons basic need. He broke me and made me live every day of my life wondering when I will be free. When will someone want me for me?
I have spend most of my adult life continuing to believe all the shit I was told. No one would ever want me. I couldn’t survive without him in my life. Now I wonder how I was able to be the person I am today. I wonder why I was lucky enough to find a man who loves me and truly wants me. Even though I have all of that I still question his motives everyday. Maybe he is not still here because he loves me, maybe he is here because it is easier then starting over. I hate that my abusers have me second guess the one person in my life that wants me and loves me. Now I need to figure out how to completely take back my power. I need to shut off the voices that tell me I can’t survive without him. I need to stop hearing my abuser every day try to break down my confidence. I make a promise to myself I will find away to shut their fucking voices down in my head. I will continue to survive. I will continue to be the woman I want to be. This is my time all my time! One day I will be able to tell him to fuck off!
Let’s go back a little ways to when I was a child. Imagine being 7 years old the first time a person who is suppose to take care of you violates not just your body but your mind and soul. How does a child of 7 deal with that? How is adult who was that child suppose to deal with that? Well if you have not dealt with this type of trauma let me tell you how we deal with that! First we avoid anyone as a child and as a adult who could cause the same shame and degrading feelings that stay with you. For me, I just isolated myself. If I never left the house no one could get to me, no one could be allowed to hurt me. Well this worked amazingly well for many years. Then one day at 32 you have no option but to stop the isolation and get out into the scary fucked up world. Now what am I suppose to do. I look over my shoulder, I make sure I am always in a position to get away fast. That gets exhausting after awhile and it becomes harder to feel safe. All I wanted to do was go home and close and lock that door, but that is no longer an option. So shit what’s next how do I keep going? I kept going by taking a lot of meds for anxiety and depression but they only helped to a point. I needed to find away out of the darkness that has been so safe for me. The more meds I took and the more I had to leave my house I started to get angry! I was angry with myself. I would say, “Jen stop being a baby stop whining your an adult act like one!” Easier to say then actually do. So I need to make my next step. How do I move into the world and out of my house? Well I decided to just go for it and went back to school. OMG the first few months were the hardest thing I have ever done! It also became the one thing that saved me. I finally would have a purpose!!
I am ready to start my full story. I have been working hard in my therapy and I am ready to inspire others to keep moving forward. So my story starts back at the age of 7. Imagine being 7 years old and encountering your first sexual abuse. This person was my mom’s second husband and the person who was suppose to step up and be a father to me. You see my “father” was also not a person who was good in my life. My “father” was an alcoholic and a wife beater. I do not have any memories of him because my mom was strong enough to walk away before things became worse. Then she married my stepfather who also ended up adopting me. This was going to be the person who taught me what I could expect from a father. Ya now that is funny! All I learned is that I was his toy the person he could abuse and screw up my life. The abuse started out small and of course at 7 years old I did not know that things were not okay. It started with him wanting me to sit on his lap. Eventually he would sit me on his lap so I was sitting right on his penis. Of course I did not understand. From there he would start touching my chest. Of course at 7 I did not have any chest but that did not stop him from enjoying the touching. One thing I am relieved about is that he never touched me in my vaginal area. Eventually he moved on to forcing me to have oral sex with him. At first it was just quick but eventually he got to the point where he was forcing me to give him oral sex until he would ejaculate in my mouth. I can still remember the taste, smell, and fear I felt that first time. I ended up vomiting on him. You would think that would be enough to keep him from wanting to experience that again. Ya if you thought that you were wrong. I still to this day am not able to perform oral sex with my own husband. I am lucky that he completely gets it and never has asked or pushed me to try with him. This is all I can give tonight. I have to be careful so I don’t end up with nightmares tonight. Please continue to follow my story and if my story helps you in any way or feel that it would help someone else please feel free to share and leave me comments. Thank you!
Groom what is it most people hear this term and really do not understand what it is and how it can affect a person. Grooming is how a person is able to control and manipulate a child or even an adult into doing what they want someone to do. I am going to explain groom in terms of my own abuse. Imagine being 13 years old, and in those short years already faced years of being molested by an adult who was suppose to love and care for you. That person is thankfully taken out of your life and you think for a minute that you are finally safe. That 13 year old was me. I was ready to be safe and happy and I was for a very short time. That ended when the next person came into my life and was able to see I was a broken soul and an easy child to manipulate for your own benefit. This person came into my life and told me I was safe and loved and that the rest of my life I would be ok. This is how the grooming started. Because this person was able to see I was broken and vulnerable this person knew just how to get me to believe that I was safe. This man was charming and loved by everyone that I trusted. He started to make me feel that I was the most important person in the world and that he was going to love and protect me forever. As a vulnerable 13 year old who has been hurt so completely this felt like the best thing in the world. Whenever I started to think about what this person was saying to me I would question myself but come on I was 13 years old what did I know. Everyone thought this man was amazing so I should also right? Things started so slowly that I was not able to see what was really happening until it was to late and I was under his spell. I write about this today because I have been reminded in my job that this is becoming more and more prevalent in our society and it scares the hell out of me. Groomers leave us feeling that we asked for this situation and that they are the only ones that know what is best for us. They also leave us with very little ways out. I have been triggered more and more lately and I want people to see how groomers are able to take over our lives and change the person we are right now. It is not our fault but the groomers but it is hard to see that in the minute. There is so much more to this story but I wanted to start here. Please realize that we can survive this but it is hell at the time and for a long time after. Don’t blame the person who has been manipulated it is not our fault and trust me we already blame ourselves. Try and understand without placing blame on the person who is just trying to survive.