Sometimes the universe just give you the big fuck you all at once. That is what it feels like right now. Its stupid where my head is going but I just can’t stop it. I wrote a blog last night about my abuser dying. My first reaction was I hope the asshole suffered. Then I felt guilty for saying and thinking that. Why should I feel guilty for hoping he suffered my life has never been the same and I have worked so hard to take back all the hurt and suffering I had to deal with because of him. Why can’t i hope for some suffering right now. This is not where it ended though and I decided to go look at his obituary, well that was the stupidest thing I did. I ready it and my brother was listed in the obituary. Yes I get he was his biological son, but that man had adopted me at the age of 5. My brother and I both were adopted by my mom’s 3rd husband. After everything I dealt with why was not I listed at a survive. These were my thoughts. Then I belittled myself because why would I want to be listed as his child. He was never a father to me. Shit I never had a real father in my life. I wouldn’t know a real father if he bit me in the ass. The man will rot in hell so why do I can, but do I need to be recognized? I am still so fucked up!
Then this morning a get a message from a friend who also has PCOS and she wants to have another baby and her husband does not. Talking to her brought all the feelings right back to me, and again I tell myself you did not deserve a baby thats why you did not get to have one. She told me it’s so hard seeing all my friends posting about being pregnant and then not being able to. She felt bad after saying this because she knows the struggles I have went thought. She actually said she was sorry, I told her never be sorry for being allowed to have that precious baby. It was just today on top of everything else it was just one more thing that twisted that knife. I just want to find a hole and burry myself in it for a little while until this all goes away. But will it ever really go away? Sorry for rant.