Sometimes the universe just give you the big fuck you all at once. That is what it feels like right now. Its stupid where my head is going but I just can’t stop it. I wrote a blog last night about my abuser dying. My first reaction was I hope the asshole suffered. Then I felt guilty for saying and thinking that. Why should I feel guilty for hoping he suffered my life has never been the same and I have worked so hard to take back all the hurt and suffering I had to deal with because of him. Why can’t i hope for some suffering right now. This is not where it ended though and I decided to go look at his obituary, well that was the stupidest thing I did. I ready it and my brother was listed in the obituary. Yes I get he was his biological son, but that man had adopted me at the age of 5. My brother and I both were adopted by my mom’s 3rd husband. After everything I dealt with why was not I listed at a survive. These were my thoughts. Then I belittled myself because why would I want to be listed as his child. He was never a father to me. Shit I never had a real father in my life. I wouldn’t know a real father if he bit me in the ass. The man will rot in hell so why do I can, but do I need to be recognized? I am still so fucked up!
Then this morning a get a message from a friend who also has PCOS and she wants to have another baby and her husband does not. Talking to her brought all the feelings right back to me, and again I tell myself you did not deserve a baby thats why you did not get to have one. She told me it’s so hard seeing all my friends posting about being pregnant and then not being able to. She felt bad after saying this because she knows the struggles I have went thought. She actually said she was sorry, I told her never be sorry for being allowed to have that precious baby. It was just today on top of everything else it was just one more thing that twisted that knife. I just want to find a hole and burry myself in it for a little while until this all goes away. But will it ever really go away? Sorry for rant.
I am ready to start my full story. I have been working hard in my therapy and I am ready to inspire others to keep moving forward. So my story starts back at the age of 7. Imagine being 7 years old and encountering your first sexual abuse. This person was my mom’s second husband and the person who was suppose to step up and be a father to me. You see my “father” was also not a person who was good in my life. My “father” was an alcoholic and a wife beater. I do not have any memories of him because my mom was strong enough to walk away before things became worse. Then she married my stepfather who also ended up adopting me. This was going to be the person who taught me what I could expect from a father. Ya now that is funny! All I learned is that I was his toy the person he could abuse and screw up my life. The abuse started out small and of course at 7 years old I did not know that things were not okay. It started with him wanting me to sit on his lap. Eventually he would sit me on his lap so I was sitting right on his penis. Of course I did not understand. From there he would start touching my chest. Of course at 7 I did not have any chest but that did not stop him from enjoying the touching. One thing I am relieved about is that he never touched me in my vaginal area. Eventually he moved on to forcing me to have oral sex with him. At first it was just quick but eventually he got to the point where he was forcing me to give him oral sex until he would ejaculate in my mouth. I can still remember the taste, smell, and fear I felt that first time. I ended up vomiting on him. You would think that would be enough to keep him from wanting to experience that again. Ya if you thought that you were wrong. I still to this day am not able to perform oral sex with my own husband. I am lucky that he completely gets it and never has asked or pushed me to try with him. This is all I can give tonight. I have to be careful so I don’t end up with nightmares tonight. Please continue to follow my story and if my story helps you in any way or feel that it would help someone else please feel free to share and leave me comments. Thank you!