Sometimes the universe just give you the big fuck you all at once. That is what it feels like right now. Its stupid where my head is going but I just can’t stop it. I wrote a blog last night about my abuser dying. My first reaction was I hope the asshole suffered. Then I felt guilty for saying and thinking that. Why should I feel guilty for hoping he suffered my life has never been the same and I have worked so hard to take back all the hurt and suffering I had to deal with because of him. Why can’t i hope for some suffering right now. This is not where it ended though and I decided to go look at his obituary, well that was the stupidest thing I did. I ready it and my brother was listed in the obituary. Yes I get he was his biological son, but that man had adopted me at the age of 5. My brother and I both were adopted by my mom’s 3rd husband. After everything I dealt with why was not I listed at a survive. These were my thoughts. Then I belittled myself because why would I want to be listed as his child. He was never a father to me. Shit I never had a real father in my life. I wouldn’t know a real father if he bit me in the ass. The man will rot in hell so why do I can, but do I need to be recognized? I am still so fucked up!
Then this morning a get a message from a friend who also has PCOS and she wants to have another baby and her husband does not. Talking to her brought all the feelings right back to me, and again I tell myself you did not deserve a baby thats why you did not get to have one. She told me it’s so hard seeing all my friends posting about being pregnant and then not being able to. She felt bad after saying this because she knows the struggles I have went thought. She actually said she was sorry, I told her never be sorry for being allowed to have that precious baby. It was just today on top of everything else it was just one more thing that twisted that knife. I just want to find a hole and burry myself in it for a little while until this all goes away. But will it ever really go away? Sorry for rant.
This week has been a struggle. With everything going on with my mom, I have not been able to just keep pushing things down. Sitting in the office with my partners I had to walk away because I broke down. I do not have time to break down and cry and feel weak. That will not help my mom and the situation. She is dying and I just keep over doing everything so I can avoid thinking about it. When I do this the mean in me comes out. I was mean to someone important to me most of the week. I know I was mean and all I wanted was someone else to hurt as much as I am right now. It is so easy to just let the mean out instead of just admitting I am not doing okay. I want to find a deep hole and lay into and pretend that nothing in life exists anymore.
The worse part is I want to make someone else hurt the way I am hurting. What kind of a person thinks like that. I am a therapist and I am thinking this way. Then I have these amazing people in my life who are there to support me, love me, and try and pick me up and what do I do just pretend I am okay until I am not. I hate that these people in my life have this false sense idea that I am strong, and driven, and amazing when it is all an act. I live by the moto fake it until you make it. Apparently I am good at faking it because no one sees the real me. The hateful, angry, ugly person who is living inside this false sense of reality. Most of the time people figure me out but I have still managed to keep these few people on the hook thinking I have my shit together. One day they will figure out who I really am and they will be free. It always comes out at the end. For some reason it is just taking longer with these amazing people. I will fuck it up sooner or later. I always do!! Time to stop whining and go to bed have to get up and be amazing again in the morning! By the way Pancreatic Cancer SUCKS and sucks the soul out of the patient and the family who is there to watch is take over.
Work is over and here I am still sitting here. I know that I could just go home, but really I am not wanting to do that because the house is empty. So instead I will sit here and write a new post. There has been a lot of talk around the people I care about lately on what is considered healthy behaviors and unhealthy behaviors. Most importantly where I also fit into those behaviors. We all know already that I am not the most mentally healthy person in the world. So I have two amazing friends in my life and it is so easy for me to want to help them and get them both to a place where they are using healthy coping skills, but as one of these people just pointed out I am also guilty of the things I am wanting them to work on. So I have one friend who does anything and everything that this person is asked to do, to the detriment of this persons own stability. My other person likes to isolate and hid from the world when struggling. I get the wanting to isolate and also the wanting to avoid but that does not really help anything, ya that is until I do the same things without noticing what I am doing..lol One of my peeps reminded me that I also tend to isolate myself. My isolation does look different but it is still not what is best for me. My conversation with this person involved being reminded I am still screwed up and got me thinking about if there is a difference between avoiding and isolation.
Well considering I do not want to admit this to myself this is hard for me to step back from and see it from the outside. Really and truly avoiding and isolation are the exact same thing with just slightly different mechanisms. It drives me nuts when people point out to me that I am not as okay as I like to think I am. It is easy to be that person who can look at someone else situation and say yup I don’t do that. Complete bullshit is what it is. Maybe instead of spending so much time trying to help others I should take my own advice and deal with my own shit. So much easier to look outside of yourself though. Maybe I am not as okay with myself as I like to think I am. Time to take a step back and re-evaluate where I am in this life. Maybe I need to be more careful with myself and those around me. Maybe the problem is not everyone else but really the problem is me.
Maybe I have recreated this whole persona that I use to hide behind. I wonder if I just stopped and seen what was really underneath if I would see something different. Would the world around me continue to circle and make me under what life is really about. Would I be less anxious, less depressed, less fixated on bullshit. The drama that goes on around me I need to wonder how much of it is my own doing. I like to think I am not part of the cycle but again this might be complete bullshit. I think instead of isolating and avoiding it is time for me to look very closely and see who I really am. That is just as scary though. Did my abuse fuck me up more then I like to admit to? Did the good pieces of me get lost in all the bullshit? I wonder if the good pieces of me were all taken by the fucking men in my life who thought it was okay to use and fuck a child. How do I get the pieces back, can I even get them back? Do I want them back? Why does the violation have to continue after the act has ended? Sorry today I am full of questions and no damn answers! I AM ANGRY and I don’t even know why or if I have the right to be angry. Sorry readers this post went way off course before I even realized it. I have some thinking to do…Until next time!
I was lucky earlier this week I spent some time with an amazing 17 year old. This experience ended up being an awaking for me. This 17 year old was a reminder of me at 17 and how crazy life could be at that time. Here was I realized during the evening we spent together. I have continued to put all the blame on myself for allowing my abuse to continue well past the time I felt that I should have been able to stop it. This particular kid reminded me how fragile life is at 17 and how confusing things can be. How can I continue to blame my 17 year old self? I was just trying to survive! Of course I didn’t want to be rejected, ignored, not loved. This is every persons basic need. He broke me and made me live every day of my life wondering when I will be free. When will someone want me for me?
I have spend most of my adult life continuing to believe all the shit I was told. No one would ever want me. I couldn’t survive without him in my life. Now I wonder how I was able to be the person I am today. I wonder why I was lucky enough to find a man who loves me and truly wants me. Even though I have all of that I still question his motives everyday. Maybe he is not still here because he loves me, maybe he is here because it is easier then starting over. I hate that my abusers have me second guess the one person in my life that wants me and loves me. Now I need to figure out how to completely take back my power. I need to shut off the voices that tell me I can’t survive without him. I need to stop hearing my abuser every day try to break down my confidence. I make a promise to myself I will find away to shut their fucking voices down in my head. I will continue to survive. I will continue to be the woman I want to be. This is my time all my time! One day I will be able to tell him to fuck off!
Let’s go back a little ways to when I was a child. Imagine being 7 years old the first time a person who is suppose to take care of you violates not just your body but your mind and soul. How does a child of 7 deal with that? How is adult who was that child suppose to deal with that? Well if you have not dealt with this type of trauma let me tell you how we deal with that! First we avoid anyone as a child and as a adult who could cause the same shame and degrading feelings that stay with you. For me, I just isolated myself. If I never left the house no one could get to me, no one could be allowed to hurt me. Well this worked amazingly well for many years. Then one day at 32 you have no option but to stop the isolation and get out into the scary fucked up world. Now what am I suppose to do. I look over my shoulder, I make sure I am always in a position to get away fast. That gets exhausting after awhile and it becomes harder to feel safe. All I wanted to do was go home and close and lock that door, but that is no longer an option. So shit what’s next how do I keep going? I kept going by taking a lot of meds for anxiety and depression but they only helped to a point. I needed to find away out of the darkness that has been so safe for me. The more meds I took and the more I had to leave my house I started to get angry! I was angry with myself. I would say, “Jen stop being a baby stop whining your an adult act like one!” Easier to say then actually do. So I need to make my next step. How do I move into the world and out of my house? Well I decided to just go for it and went back to school. OMG the first few months were the hardest thing I have ever done! It also became the one thing that saved me. I finally would have a purpose!!
I am ready to start my full story. I have been working hard in my therapy and I am ready to inspire others to keep moving forward. So my story starts back at the age of 7. Imagine being 7 years old and encountering your first sexual abuse. This person was my mom’s second husband and the person who was suppose to step up and be a father to me. You see my “father” was also not a person who was good in my life. My “father” was an alcoholic and a wife beater. I do not have any memories of him because my mom was strong enough to walk away before things became worse. Then she married my stepfather who also ended up adopting me. This was going to be the person who taught me what I could expect from a father. Ya now that is funny! All I learned is that I was his toy the person he could abuse and screw up my life. The abuse started out small and of course at 7 years old I did not know that things were not okay. It started with him wanting me to sit on his lap. Eventually he would sit me on his lap so I was sitting right on his penis. Of course I did not understand. From there he would start touching my chest. Of course at 7 I did not have any chest but that did not stop him from enjoying the touching. One thing I am relieved about is that he never touched me in my vaginal area. Eventually he moved on to forcing me to have oral sex with him. At first it was just quick but eventually he got to the point where he was forcing me to give him oral sex until he would ejaculate in my mouth. I can still remember the taste, smell, and fear I felt that first time. I ended up vomiting on him. You would think that would be enough to keep him from wanting to experience that again. Ya if you thought that you were wrong. I still to this day am not able to perform oral sex with my own husband. I am lucky that he completely gets it and never has asked or pushed me to try with him. This is all I can give tonight. I have to be careful so I don’t end up with nightmares tonight. Please continue to follow my story and if my story helps you in any way or feel that it would help someone else please feel free to share and leave me comments. Thank you!
It has been a long time since I have logged into my blog account. I have been avoiding it for sometime now. The last month or month in a half have been rough. I find myself second guessing myself 20 times a day every day in everything I do. I know this is a good outlet for me so why I made the choice to ignore one of the things that have helped me the most I do not know. I plan to force myself to write at least 3 days a week to deal.
Over the last couple of weeks I have been reminding myself to take care of me. I have gotten back to taking my medications more consistently then I have been over the last month. I have also gave up the cigarettes but to do this I have started to vape. It is a good start and I plan to start bringing myself down in the nicotine and give up everything. I also took the chance and talked to my husband to explain that my needs are not being met in our relationship. We talked and came up with a plan. It has been 21 years and I am not ready to give up on that.
Therapy has been pretty rough over the last couple of months also. While we have not dealt with my trauma as of late we have been working on the affects that have surfaced since I started this journey. Have you ever thought about whether or not you are weird and if other people have the same thoughts and struggles. I always thought my in securities and sometimes childish behaviors were things that only I deal with. You have no idea what kind of a relief it felt to know that I am not alone. The hardest part was admitting out loud and to myself that I am not as put together as I like others to think I am. Therapy is again tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. I want to keep exploring myself and learning more about why I deal with things the way I do. Don’t worry I plan to get on tomorrow and talk about any new revelations I come up with. For now Good Night!
The simplest things in life can tigger you right back to your pass. Always heard that when a person deals with trauma in childhood that person can stop changing moving forward. Sometimes our stages of growth stop where in whatever stage we were in when the abuse started. I have really come to see that this is true. I am a social worker who works with mental health consumers and I have told them this all though my career, I never really understood it though until I started my own journey. Lately I have found myself stepping into my adolescent stage. I have come to realize that because of my abuse I did not successfully gone though all the stages of development in a healthy way. It has been more apparent as of late. I find myself letting the words of my abuser start to make me doubt myself and those around me. I find that the more I start to doubt the louder the words become. The louder my abuser becomes and I allow that person to continue to steal my power and my ability to know that I am good enough. I hate letting someone who is dead to continue to have this much power. I am not sure how to stop the voice in my head that continues to tell me I cannot survive without him to take care of me. I hate myself at times for allowing him to get so far into my head that I can’t get him out of it. When will I find that I am good enough and that the people around me see that I am good enough. I keep pushing people away lately to protect myself because I truly do not want to be hurt over and over so if I push and they leave then guess what my abuser is right. As a social worker I know that logically my thoughts are bullshit but it is not always was to be logical but it is very easy to be irrational and judge yourself. The part I struggle with is no matter how many times people try and reassure me it does not help. Hearing my friends tell me I am enough just continues to push me away because that voice in my head (I am not crazy this is the words my abuser would tell me) never allows me to forget that I am not good enough and that I cannot survive without him. I will keep pushing myself forward and continue my therapy and take things as they come. One day my life will be mine again!
Groom what is it most people hear this term and really do not understand what it is and how it can affect a person. Grooming is how a person is able to control and manipulate a child or even an adult into doing what they want someone to do. I am going to explain groom in terms of my own abuse. Imagine being 13 years old, and in those short years already faced years of being molested by an adult who was suppose to love and care for you. That person is thankfully taken out of your life and you think for a minute that you are finally safe. That 13 year old was me. I was ready to be safe and happy and I was for a very short time. That ended when the next person came into my life and was able to see I was a broken soul and an easy child to manipulate for your own benefit. This person came into my life and told me I was safe and loved and that the rest of my life I would be ok. This is how the grooming started. Because this person was able to see I was broken and vulnerable this person knew just how to get me to believe that I was safe. This man was charming and loved by everyone that I trusted. He started to make me feel that I was the most important person in the world and that he was going to love and protect me forever. As a vulnerable 13 year old who has been hurt so completely this felt like the best thing in the world. Whenever I started to think about what this person was saying to me I would question myself but come on I was 13 years old what did I know. Everyone thought this man was amazing so I should also right? Things started so slowly that I was not able to see what was really happening until it was to late and I was under his spell. I write about this today because I have been reminded in my job that this is becoming more and more prevalent in our society and it scares the hell out of me. Groomers leave us feeling that we asked for this situation and that they are the only ones that know what is best for us. They also leave us with very little ways out. I have been triggered more and more lately and I want people to see how groomers are able to take over our lives and change the person we are right now. It is not our fault but the groomers but it is hard to see that in the minute. There is so much more to this story but I wanted to start here. Please realize that we can survive this but it is hell at the time and for a long time after. Don’t blame the person who has been manipulated it is not our fault and trust me we already blame ourselves. Try and understand without placing blame on the person who is just trying to survive.
If you have ever faced a trauma that has stopped you in your tracks then you will probably understand me and my feelings to some point as everyone faces life different. More and more I am learning how my trauma has shaped my life and in most ways I am happy with the person I am today, but I am also seeing a lot of pieces of myself I am not happy with. Life most people I want to be that good well rounded person but I am falling short. When I say I am falling short these are my words no alone else. The person I would like to be is the person I pretend to be and hide from the world. I can’t allow anyone to sees what is under my pretend outside projections. I want to be the person who has it all together, but if I am being truthful I am the person who second guesses herself at every turn. I look at people in my life and think these people are only there because I pretend to be nice and helpful and strong. However the truth is I am lonely, self-conscious, envious, person who does not know how much longer she can continue to not feel like enough. My time in therapy has been the saving grace in my life because I am not sure where I would be today without the work I have already put in. Every time I go I see more truth in my thoughts and realize I am not a person anyone should want to put themself into my life. I always remind myself that is why I am working so hard on my trauma so when I get to the other side I can try and be the person I truly want to be. Lately I have been having more flashbacks and dreams. The other night my husband and I went to bed together and in the middle of the night I find myself standing in my dinning room calling for my husband because I thought he was gone. The truth is he was in bed where I just was but my nightmare made me feel like he was gone and finally done dealing with all of my issues. I long to feel less alone in my world and long for my trauma to stop defining my life. Thank you for reading my blog I have been finding this process very freeing for me. I am no longer allowing myself to keep everything in. This blog is important to my recovery from a life of trauma.